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Rambling Rice
April 9, 2004
Satire by Larry S. Rolirad

AT THE SEPTEMBER 11 COMMISSION HEARING...

Chairman of the Commission: Okay Senator Kerrey, it is your turn. Remember that you have only ten minutes to ask Dr. Rice questions.

Senator Kerrey: Good morning Dr. Rice. Could you tell me how old you are?

Condoleezza Rice: My mother had on a green dress when I was born. She got it at Macy's. She paid $100 for it. My mom saved and saved to buy that dress and she was so happy to be able to go and buy it. She went into the store and laid out five twenty dollar bills for the dress. The salesgirl's name was Samantha and she was from Rhode Island where her family...

Senator Kerrey: Excuse me Dr. Rice, but I just want to know how old you are.

Condoleezza Rice: Well, you know that I believe it is very important to look at the whole picture of the...

Senator Kerrey: Dr. Rice, please, would you just answer my question?

Condoleezza Rice: Well yes, and that is what I am trying to do. But we need to understand the circumstances surround the events of my birth. It is because of this reason that I...

Senator Kerrey: Please Dr. Rice, I just want to know how old you are. Could you please tell me what your age is?

Condoleezza Rice: I would be more than happy to answer your question but I need to know why you are asking the question. Things are never in black and white. There are a lot of gray areas. I don't believe that...

Senator Kerrey: Dr. Rice, could you please stop going around in convoluted circles and just answer the question!

Condoleezza Rice: My mother's dress was green and my dad was wearing a blue shirt. They drove to the hospital in a '46 Chevrolet sedan. That was our family car for more than ten years. I have so many fond memories of that car and the trips we took as a family. The car was jet black and it had a two tone gray interior. I remember when we went on trips I would stick my head out the window and feel the air rush by my face. It was so much fun. I wish that...

Senator Kerrey: What does all of that have to do with the question I asked you? I implore you Dr. Rice to answer my question.

Condoleezza Rice: What you don't understand is that age is a relative thing. It is a culmination of time or existence of a person's time on earth. In the grand scheme of things we are all just a small part of an infinite whole. You might say...

Senator Kerrey: Dr. Rice if you would just answer the question that I posed to you.

Chairman of the Commission: I am sorry Senator Kerrey but your ten minutes of questioning is up. We will have to move on to the next questioner. Okay Senator Thompson, it is your turn. Remember that you have only ten minutes to ask Dr. Rice your questions.

Senator Thompson: Good morning Dr. Rice. Could you tell me how old you are?

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