Signs Unborn Victims of Securities Fraud Act
Satire by David Albrecht
Surrounded by Wall Street brokers, anti-abortion activists
and SEC attorneys, President Bush today signed into law a
measure, popularly known as "Madison's Law", making corporate
crimes affecting the unborn federal offenses.
"Today, we stand before America, proud of the measures now
in place to protect innocent lives from the effects of fraud
and deceit in the securities markets," said the president
from the Rose Garden in a nationally televised address. "We
only wish that we had taken these steps in time to save little
Madison Gardner from the consequences of bad advice and inappropriate
Madison Gardner, age 6, shared the stage with the president
and her mother, Nancy Gardner of Newport, Connecticut. Mrs.
Gardner, an outsourcing consultant and tax attorney for Stanley
Works, was emotional as she spoke with reporters. "We had
such high hopes for Madison - we thought Brown or Cornell
or maybe even Harvard, since my husband's a very active alum.
But now, who knows? With the college fund gone, the best we
can hope for is some state university," she stated before
bursting into tears.
Greg Foster, Mrs. Gardner's attorney, explained that bad
advice from a broker led her to invest Madison's education
IRA in Enron, a wide range of Internet companies, penny stocks
and Costa Rican soybean futures during the ebullient bull
market of 1998, which coincided with her pregnancy. "Now,
any chance Nancy and little Madison have for a normal life
is gone," explained Foster. "The broker who did this did no
time, but we're confident that things in the future will be
"Yeah, they better be," added Madison, "public schools suck!"
Senator Bill Frist, a co-sponsor of the bill, expressed
optimism that upcoming fetal-protection laws would fare well
in Congress. "We're looking at a number of proposals, all
of which we believe will assist in promoting a culture of
life in America." These include the Unborn Victims of Final
Four Betting Pool Losses Act, the Unborn Victims of Disappointing
Oscar Night Musical Routines Act and the Unborn Victims of
Fast-Food Hamburgers That Don't Look Nearly As Delicious In
Real Life As They Do On TV Act. "Passage of some of these
measures may be rocky, but we know that President Bush stands
ready to sign each and every one of them," Senator Frist added.
The Rose Garden ceremony capped a busy day of regulatory
and legislative activity for the president. At earlier, unpublicized
sessions, he finalized plans to remove mercury emission requirements
for coal-burning power plants in favor of voluntary compliance,
announced repeal of Clean Water Act provisions for coal mining
companies, and finalized budget proposals that would replace
USDA powers of inspection in meat processing plants with what
the OMB described as "market-based solutions."