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Being
John Kerry
March
24, 2004
By Scott C. Smith
The "pioneering" Internet "journalist" Matt Drudge seems
to have a sacred mission in life: report something negative
about John Kerry every day, no matter how inconsequential.
Drudge started his anti-Kerry campaign on Jan. 27, with
an "exclusive" shocker: John Kerry might have taken Botox
to clear up wrinkles! On his web site, Drudge showed a picture
of Kerry from 2003 and then with a photo taken Jan. 2004.
The world collectively held their breath as they prepared
for John Kerry's response, which was a denial. And, in fact,
when John Kerry appeared on television, those same wrinkles
from 2003 were present. It was as if Drudge had made the whole
thing up or, as some journalists say, he pulled it out of
his ass.
Not to let things like facts get in his way, Drudge's next
slam-dunk was on Feb. 12: a report that Kerry might have had
a mistress! Yikes! No one in Washington ever has affairs.
Right, Newt Gingrich? Kerry appeared on the Don Imus show
Feb. 13 where he denied the charges, and the story died a
quick death, despite claims by Drudge that several major news
outlets were conducting an investigation into the allegations.
Which, frankly, is a good use for the media. We can't have
them wasting their time on silly issues, such as the leak
of the name and occupation of a CIA operative to columnist
Robert Novak. That's the kind of story you stash in the back
of the paper, right behind the obituaries or horoscopes. News
outlets need priorities in their reporting, right?
Matt Drudge is apparently a driven man, hiding in his secret
laboratory as he scans newspapers from all over the world
to find that Kerry exclusive. On March 7, he succeeded, with
an item from the News Telegraph in London: Kerry attempted
to defer his U.S. Navy enlistment a year so he could study
in… get ready for it… France! Holy crap! Imagine that, John
Kerry attempted to defer his enlistment by a year! Attempted
is an important word for this story, because, as it turns
out, Kerry's request was denied. That's right, we have a news
story about someone attempting to do something and not being
able to do so. I'm not sure how that counts as news. But,
in the world according to Drudge, it is.
And, almost immediately, Drudge had yet another shocker
to share with the world: John Kerry's official web site was
"riddled" with… obscenities! Obscenities! What's this world
coming to? Kerry is a menace to society, what with his not
getting Botox, or being able to defer his enlistment to the
Navy by a year, and now… this. His official campaign website,
riddled with obscenities!
A search on Kerry's campaign web site with the bad words
revealed FIVE hits! The "hits" were actually articles re-printed
on Kerry's website, articles that had appeared in magazines
like Rolling Stone and Men's Journal. Smart readers, though,
immediately plugged those same bad words into Drudge's search
engine and came up with a lot more instances of those swears
than what was found at Kerry's site.
Why the media didn't run with this one remains a mystery
to this day. How can Kerry be president if his website has
some articles that contain the F-word?
Putting his world-famous journalistic nose to the grindstone,
Drudge came up with the ultimate Kerry shocker, a story so
horrific that… well, you can see for yourself, but don't say
I didn't warn you!
The "story," reported yesterday, is an exclusive scoop:
Kerry called the Secret Service agent assigned to him a (young
children, divert your eyes!) a "son of a bitch!" You see -
and this is just typical John Kerry - Kerry had been snowboarding
in Idaho when the Secret Service agent bumped into Kerry,
causing Kerry to stumble and fall. According to Drudge, a
reporter asked Kerry about the spill: "I don't fall down,
the son of a bitch knocked me over!"
Well, all I can say for John Kerry is, get out of the race!
Now! The Drudge smear machine will stop at nothing to destroy
the reputation of John Kerry. From what we know of Drudge,
the following may very well likely be reported:
• Kerry forgetting to shave one day.
• Kerry calling a telemarketer that phones him a "son
of a bitch"
• Kerry calling Karl Rove a "son of a bitch."
• Kerry calling a male puppy "a son of a bitch."
• Kerry is possibly grouchy in the morning.
Yes, it appears Matt Drudge really has the goods on John
Kerry. Hey Matt, is that a Pulitzer Prize I see in your future?
I think so!
About the author: Scott C. Smith is a freelance writer
based out of Beaverton, Oregon. Scott writes for his web site,
What's in Scott's Head, at scottcsmith.net.
In his spare time, Scott swears at his secret service agent.
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