Issue at Hand
By Trevor Seigler
Good evening and welcome to "Talk of the Nation". I'm your
vaguely nonpolitical host, to my right is the arch conservative
pundit, and to my left is the vaguely liberal yahoo. Tonight
we will feature commentaries by paid brown-nosers on both
sides of the issue, and debate the merits of the issue at
hand. Now I turn to the erstwhile news-announcer person, who
will inform us of the topic.
"The topic tonight is: hot air"
Hot air, a fitting topic to tonight's broadcast. Let's get
things started by turning to my right for the blow-hard right-winger
who always gets more airtime. Don?
Thank you, overpaid wet nurse for the network crybabies
who cringe whenever I enter the room! First let me say that
my colleague on the left will no doubt have an opinion contradictory
to mine. He is nothing but an un-American stooge for whoever
we don't like right now (I think it's the French this month).
No one will like his sound bites on the issue, only mine will
be broadcast in the special "annual round-up" edition conducted
every Christmas, where we basically get paid to sit here and
watch old clips of ourselves. My opponent is a degenerate
and, while I can't prove it, is a secret agent for whatever
foreign aggressor we are currently engaged in hostilities
with (if we are not currently engaged in hostilities with
anyone at the time of this broadcast, Canada is always a good
target). The issue at hand is an important one, and I feel
my opinion is the right one.
Thank you, smartly-dressed bulldog. And now I turn to the
left-leaning person who may or may not be able to talk coherently
compared to his opponent on the right (depending on the mood
of the country). Jack?
Thanks, slightly biased and overfed patron of the chatterbox
to your right. I appreciate this chance to rebuke my opponent,
but I will demure from too strong an attack. Our country is
at war now (or will be very soon, in time for May sweeps),
so we must stand united. I applaud my colleague on the right,
his candor on this topic is refreshing. I disagree with him
and would, should the revolution come, be more than happy
to string him up by his toes and open his sagging gut to let
the people on the streets wallow in his death agonies. Unfortunately
I must rein myself in and conform to the current public mood,
which does not allow for such tendencies. I will let my opponent
win this debate on this critical issue, and will self-flagellate
when I return home from this taping tonight.
Well put, cowardly vagrant who used to smoke dope and knock
up hippie chicks. Let's turn to the world of celebrities with
our special correspondent, bleached blonde and senseless.
Thanks, really creepy old guy who followed me to my car
after the last episode, which is why I'm not in studio this
week. The famous people whom we all hate with every fiber
of our body continued to spend millions on their personal
needs, ignoring the overwhelming evidence that their careers
will soon be over. I guess their opinions on this issue are
already well known, and they continue to contribute to the
topic with public pronouncements of innocence, fidelity to
mates, and other shame-based displays of largess. That's all
I've got, I'm going to go blow my brains out because I'm stuck
covering such overpaid jackasses. Back to you, perv!
You wanted it, you know it. That's all the time we have
tonight for this "issue at hand," join us next time when we
will continue to discuss the same topic. Until then, blah
blah blah blah. Good night, America!