The Issue at Hand
December 2, 2003
By Trevor Seigler

Good evening and welcome to "Talk of the Nation". I'm your vaguely nonpolitical host, to my right is the arch conservative pundit, and to my left is the vaguely liberal yahoo. Tonight we will feature commentaries by paid brown-nosers on both sides of the issue, and debate the merits of the issue at hand. Now I turn to the erstwhile news-announcer person, who will inform us of the topic.

"The topic tonight is: hot air"

Hot air, a fitting topic to tonight's broadcast. Let's get things started by turning to my right for the blow-hard right-winger who always gets more airtime. Don?

Thank you, overpaid wet nurse for the network crybabies who cringe whenever I enter the room! First let me say that my colleague on the left will no doubt have an opinion contradictory to mine. He is nothing but an un-American stooge for whoever we don't like right now (I think it's the French this month). No one will like his sound bites on the issue, only mine will be broadcast in the special "annual round-up" edition conducted every Christmas, where we basically get paid to sit here and watch old clips of ourselves. My opponent is a degenerate and, while I can't prove it, is a secret agent for whatever foreign aggressor we are currently engaged in hostilities with (if we are not currently engaged in hostilities with anyone at the time of this broadcast, Canada is always a good target). The issue at hand is an important one, and I feel my opinion is the right one.

Thank you, smartly-dressed bulldog. And now I turn to the left-leaning person who may or may not be able to talk coherently compared to his opponent on the right (depending on the mood of the country). Jack?

Thanks, slightly biased and overfed patron of the chatterbox to your right. I appreciate this chance to rebuke my opponent, but I will demure from too strong an attack. Our country is at war now (or will be very soon, in time for May sweeps), so we must stand united. I applaud my colleague on the right, his candor on this topic is refreshing. I disagree with him and would, should the revolution come, be more than happy to string him up by his toes and open his sagging gut to let the people on the streets wallow in his death agonies. Unfortunately I must rein myself in and conform to the current public mood, which does not allow for such tendencies. I will let my opponent win this debate on this critical issue, and will self-flagellate when I return home from this taping tonight.

Well put, cowardly vagrant who used to smoke dope and knock up hippie chicks. Let's turn to the world of celebrities with our special correspondent, bleached blonde and senseless. Katie?

Thanks, really creepy old guy who followed me to my car after the last episode, which is why I'm not in studio this week. The famous people whom we all hate with every fiber of our body continued to spend millions on their personal needs, ignoring the overwhelming evidence that their careers will soon be over. I guess their opinions on this issue are already well known, and they continue to contribute to the topic with public pronouncements of innocence, fidelity to mates, and other shame-based displays of largess. That's all I've got, I'm going to go blow my brains out because I'm stuck covering such overpaid jackasses. Back to you, perv!

You wanted it, you know it. That's all the time we have tonight for this "issue at hand," join us next time when we will continue to discuss the same topic. Until then, blah blah blah blah. Good night, America!