Justice Department Introduces
MOM AND APPLE PIE Act
November 5, 2003
Satire by Ian Watson
Washington (November 3, 2003) - With the success of the PATRIOT Act, the PROTECT Act, and the VICTORY Act, President Bush and conservative lawmakers are hailing the introduction of the Justice Department's MOM AND APPLE PIE Act of 2003.
In a statement to reporters Thursday, President Bush said, "MOM AND APPLE PIE will serve to increase our nation's security against terror, adequately fund our schools, and provide relief from rising medical costs to seniors in their time of need."
Senator Trent Lott, R-Mississippi, called the Act "a great leap forward for our country in uncertain times."
Not everyone is praising the Act, however, as many of MOM AND APPLE PIE's provisions are being challenged for constitutional concerns. One section gaining notoriety is 'Section 210 Flaky Crust', which allows federal agents to use "any and all means necessary to prevent anti-government demonstrations that could diminish the federal government's ability to advance national security measures." The "means necessary" are later clarified to include the use of "deadly force."
ACLU Spokesman Jay Stanley, who attacked the provision at a rally outside the Capitol yesterday, said: "This is outrageous! Section 210 essentially empowers federal agents to kill anyone who protests Bush's War on Terror."
Senator Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, later responded to Stanley's comments saying: "The ACLU's attack on 'Flaky Crust' is an unforgivable politicization of MOM AND APPLE PIE. I mean - what's to hate about flaky crust? The way it crumbles under your fork, the way it melts in your mouth - it's delicious! If the ACLU hates flaky crust, that pretty much means they hate America as far as I'm concerned."
Another provision of MOM AND APPLE PIE under scrutiny is 'Section 312 Mother's Love' which allows the Pentagon to confiscate federal funds earmarked for education and healthcare to advance the research and development of President Bush's proposed new generation of nuclear weapons known as "mini-nukes" and "bunker-busters."
Barbara Boxer, D-California, railed against the provision on the floor of the Senate Friday saying: "President Bush is claiming the right to bankrupt our schools and betray our ill senior citizens to produce weapons of mass destruction." Later in a phone interview with New York Times reporter Adam Clymer, Boxer said, "I can't believe this is actually being considered in a free country."
Justice Department Spokesperson Barbara Comstock addressed public concern over this provision in statements during a press conference Monday: "Perhaps some people in this country like Senator Boxer hate their mothers, but not us here at the Justice Department. We think mother's love is a fine American value, and we're frankly shocked that 'Mother's Love' is being resisted."
Later in the afternoon, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan became visibly agitated after repeated questions from reporters about MOM AND APPLE PIE's 'Section 401 Tasty Apple Filling.' This proposed measure would allow journalists to be held for treason by the federal government when challenging the Bush Administration. After failing to deflect similar questions for the third time in a row, McClellan yelled, "Look! Do you love your mothers or not? Do you really hate apple pie? Do you?"
Liberal and conservative groups from the ACLU to the NRA have released statements saying they would initiate legal challenges against the MOM AND APPLE PIE Act if signed into law.
When asked what the acronym "MOM AND APPLE PIE" spells out, Comstock said the complete name was not yet worked out, but "will surely reflect America's love for our mothers and delicious apple pie."
Ian Watson is a working stiff and creator of www.bushpresident2004.com