Who's Coming To Dinner
By Sheila Samples
Hello? Is this really Queen Elizabeth? Well, thanks, Your
Royal Highness, for taking my call. I know you're really really
busy this week getting things all spruced up for our Dear
Leader Himself, so I probably don't have to ask you to "guess
who's coming to dinner," now, do I? Ha-ha-ha.
What? No, of course not. Just clearing my throat. I'm with
you - there's nothing funny about a guy inviting himself to
dinner and then showing up with his own chefs... and food
tasters... and teams of drug-sniffing dogs... and - huh? Oh,
yes, there's 250 of them too, all hungry - and all armed.
Well, sure, they've got orders to shoot to kill anybody who
gets too close to him. They're Secret Service agents. That's
what they do. But, once they strip-search you or pat you down
right good, and if you keep that security badge out in plain
view, you don't have anything to worry about - as long as
you don't make any sudden moves.
But one reason, Elizabeth - can I call you Elizabeth? - one
reason I called, Your Highness, was to suggest that you might
want to reconsider Himself's demand that you shut down London
for a week. What if the underground railroad - what's that?
Tubes? Really? They're called tubes? Well, what if those tubes
just happened to be crammed with evil terrorists hurtling
around under his feet? Think about it - the most powerful
man in the world - an "accident" just waiting to
happen. Hello...? Wow, sounds like we have the same throat
What's that? You've never met Himself? Sure you have. No,
it wasn't in London, unless you went to see "Cats"
or went on a pub-crawling jaunt. Don't you remember that time
in '92 when you were visiting Poppy and Bar, and there was
this kinda cute, unbelievably crude guy who kept interrupting?
Remember when he asked you if you had any black sheep in your
family? Yeah! That's the one - the guy who tried to impress
you with his "God Save The Queen" cowboy boots.
You weren't? Well, with all due respect, Your Highness, you
need to waltz across Texas a couple of times to know where
this guy is coming from. You'd be impressed, I guar-own-damn-tee
But anyway, I can see why you'd be a bit nervous about Blackhawks
hovering over Buckingham while you're trying to sleep, but
what if terrorists hurtled at Himself from the sky? What if
- hurtle? Oh, sure, trust me, terrorists always hurtle. Don't
you remember 9-11? Evil, cold-blooded killers who hate the
freedom that Himself is delivering are not going to come knocking
at the palace door and say, "We're here to get Himself,
so turn him over..." You would? Really? Well, that's
not a very nice thing to say.
I think you're making too much of all the heavy artillery
that's headed your way. Himself likes to brag that he travels
in a "bubble," and he brings his own armored motorcade
to travel in. What if he came unarmed, and something happened
to burst his bubble? Take my word for it - you don't want
to even jiggle Himself's bubble. Think of it as a circus coming
to town and, like they say down in Texas, just "lay"
back and enjoy it. Think of the consequences. You don't want
that guy carrying the nuclear "football" to heave
a Hail Mary in your direction, do you? Wow - that would be
the mother of all regime changes... hahaha... No, just the
throat again. Really.
You're getting off easy. When Himself went to Africa earlier
this year, he took everything he's bringing to your town,
plus a couple of speed boats and some chainsaws to hack down
trees so that devious, evildoing terrorists couldn't hide
behind them. What? Of course, there's a dark, cold-blooded
one lurking behind every American tree - that's why we burned
all our trees last month. At least he's not bringing bulldozers
to London to tear down homes and shops like he did in Abuja.
Would I lie to you? Just ask the hundreds of Nigerian residents
who had no prior warning, no chance to get their belongings
out, and no choice but to look on in despair as their wooden
shanties were ploughed down. Well, no, silly - they weren't
terrorists, they were just in the way. Huh? No, I don't know
for sure. Himself was on such a whirlwind tour, he may not
have had time to zip through the area, but I can tell you
one thing - if he did, he was met with clean and free vistas
- and there's nothing that pleases him more.
But that was then, and this is now. Don't give that tank
a second thought. It's only for show. If you'd only allowed
it to be equipped with its own little "mini-gun,"
you wouldn't have to worry about closing off Whitehall or
putting 14,000 troops on the ground to protect London from
the malcontents and dead-enders who are determined to ruin
Himself's fun. It's scarcely bigger than a pop-gun, but the
folks who manufacture it say it can kill dozens of terrorists
in one fell swoop. If you don't mind my asking, do your citizens
not have anything better to do? Don't they have jobs either?
What if cold-blooded killer evildoers dress up like peace-loving
protesters and - well, sure, Your Highness - we do play "what
if" a lot in our country. That's why we're so safe, and
so free. But, back to the protesters. They don't have anything
to worry about. As you well know, Himself knows a lot about
freedom. He modestly admits that he's just God's delivery
boy when it comes to parcelling out freedom. He told Sir David
Frost on PBS-BBC a couple of days ago, "freedom is not
America's gift to the world or Great Britain's gift to the
world. Freedom is the Almighty's gift to everybody who lives
in the world."
Didn't see it? Well, I'll wager you would have been proud
of Himself's message to the hordes that will angrily try to
scale the palace walls this week. When Frost asked him what
he would say to the protesters, Himself just shrugged, chuckled
and, in his best "bring 'em on" voice, he said,
"I'd say freedom is a beautiful thing, and I would tell
the protesters -=- aren't you lucky to be in a country that
encourages people to speak their mind?"
It's true. In America, Himself thinks people should be free
to say anything they want to say, and he corrals them into
vast "Freedom Zones" where they are free to do just
that. And, he takes extra precautions to never get close to
these teeming zones so that he won't infringe upon their rights.
Thank goodness Himself is bringing along the missus, who's
as serious as he is about whipping terror and bringing freedom
to peace-loving people. She says the battle is wrenching,
and Himself's decision to rid the world of evil and send American
and British troops to war was a wrenching one. I'm sure you
heard her ITV interview with Sir Trevor McDonald last week,
wherein she said the decision was "by far, the most difficult
decision and it's a wrenching decision. To hear of the injuries
and the deaths of American soldiers or any Allied soldiers,"
she said, "is wrenching."
What was that you said? Well excuse me, Your Highness,
but I didn't know royalty even knew words like that. Mercy.
You gave me a shock - a real Sam Kinison moment. Who's Kinison?
Doesn't matter - just another fallen-from-grace preacher,
gone but - in my neck of the woods - not forgotten. You're
the only other human being on the planet who can duplicate
that primal sound. You should try it out on Himself and the
missus. Then they'll know wrenching, even gut-wrenching...
Anyway, Miz Laura - that's what they call her in Texas -
says it's a "huge thrill" to have a sleep-over with
you. The Queen. A Palace. It's like being engulfed in a fairytale
- a wrenchingly beautiful fairytale. No, I'm serious. Even
Himself admits it's gonna be "a really interesting and
fun experience." He's really looking forward to it, and
said last week, "I never dreamt when I was living in
Midland, Texas, that I would be staying in Buckingham Palace."
Bet you never "dreamt" of it either, especially
when you and Poppy were staring in horror at those Gawd-awful,
God Save The Queen boots - eh, Scoob?
Which reminds me of the reason I called - how's the palace
reconstruction coming along?
Hullo? Hullo? Liz - are you there? Hullo...?
Sheila Samples is an Oklahoma freelance writer, a former
US Army Public Information Officer and Axis of Logic contributing