Department Introduces MOM AND APPLE PIE Act
Satire by Ian Watson
Washington (November 3, 2003) - With the success of
the PATRIOT Act, the PROTECT Act, and the VICTORY Act, President
Bush and conservative lawmakers are hailing the introduction
of the Justice Department's MOM AND APPLE PIE Act of 2003.
In a statement to reporters Thursday, President Bush said,
"MOM AND APPLE PIE will serve to increase our nation's security
against terror, adequately fund our schools, and provide relief
from rising medical costs to seniors in their time of need."
Senator Trent Lott, R-Mississippi, called the Act "a great
leap forward for our country in uncertain times."
Not everyone is praising the Act, however, as many of MOM
AND APPLE PIE's provisions are being challenged for constitutional
concerns. One section gaining notoriety is 'Section 210 Flaky
Crust', which allows federal agents to use "any and all means
necessary to prevent anti-government demonstrations that could
diminish the federal government's ability to advance national
security measures." The "means necessary" are later clarified
to include the use of "deadly force."
ACLU Spokesman Jay Stanley, who attacked the provision at
a rally outside the Capitol yesterday, said: "This is outrageous!
Section 210 essentially empowers federal agents to kill anyone
who protests Bush's War on Terror."
Senator Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, later responded to Stanley's
comments saying: "The ACLU's attack on 'Flaky Crust' is an
unforgivable politicization of MOM AND APPLE PIE. I mean -
what's to hate about flaky crust? The way it crumbles under
your fork, the way it melts in your mouth - it's delicious!
If the ACLU hates flaky crust, that pretty much means they
hate America as far as I'm concerned."
Another provision of MOM AND APPLE PIE under scrutiny is
'Section 312 Mother's Love' which allows the Pentagon to confiscate
federal funds earmarked for education and healthcare to advance
the research and development of President Bush's proposed
new generation of nuclear weapons known as "mini-nukes" and
Barbara Boxer, D-California, railed against the provision
on the floor of the Senate Friday saying: "President Bush
is claiming the right to bankrupt our schools and betray our
ill senior citizens to produce weapons of mass destruction."
Later in a phone interview with New York Times reporter
Adam Clymer, Boxer said, "I can't believe this is actually
being considered in a free country."
Justice Department Spokesperson Barbara Comstock addressed
public concern over this provision in statements during a
press conference Monday: "Perhaps some people in this country
like Senator Boxer hate their mothers, but not us here at
the Justice Department. We think mother's love is a fine American
value, and we're frankly shocked that 'Mother's Love' is being
Later in the afternoon, White House Press Secretary Scott
McClellan became visibly agitated after repeated questions
from reporters about MOM AND APPLE PIE's 'Section 401 Tasty
Apple Filling.' This proposed measure would allow journalists
to be held for treason by the federal government when challenging
the Bush Administration. After failing to deflect similar
questions for the third time in a row, McClellan yelled, "Look!
Do you love your mothers or not? Do you really hate apple
pie? Do you?"
Liberal and conservative groups from the ACLU to the NRA
have released statements saying they would initiate legal
challenges against the MOM AND APPLE PIE Act if signed into
When asked what the acronym "MOM AND APPLE PIE" spells out,
Comstock said the complete name was not yet worked out, but
"will surely reflect America's love for our mothers and delicious
Ian Watson is a working stiff and creator of www.bushpresident2004.com