Valley Residents Detect Gigantic Clinton Penis in Forest Fire
Satire by David Albrecht
SIMI VALLEY, CALIFORNIA, November 1, 2003 Residents
of this conservative Los Angeles suburb, already stunned after
a week of devastating forest fires, are now trying to recover
from yet another shock - a huge smoke cloud hanging high above
the blaze that scorched their homes - an enormous, cylindrical
cloud closely matching descriptions of the penis of former
president Bill Clinton.
AM radio talk show phones have been ringing off the hook,
and dozens of photographs of the vast, vaporous member surfaced
on the Internet within hours of the sighting. The cloud, which
was visible throughout the metro area on Monday evening, is
the talk of Los Angeles and Orange County, and has provoked
strong reactions throughout the region.
Paramedics were called to a Young Republicans meeting on
the campus of Claremont-McKenna College Wednesday night. Although
details remain unclear, apparently the group of some 25 students
worked themselves into an emotional frenzy upon viewing pictures
of the cloud.
Some gashed their own faces with their fingernails, while
others threw themselves repeatedly against concrete-block
walls until rendered unconscious by their injuries, none of
which are considered life-threatening. "It was pretty weird,"
said Stan Jackson, a Claremont paramedic. "We were bandaging
one guy's hands, and he caught sight of photograph of the
fires on a coffee table. He just started screaming "Clinton!
Clinton! Clinton!" at the top of his lungs. We ended up having
to give him some Oxycontin just to calm him down."
Orange County authorities also took television evangelist
Dr. Robert Schuller into what they termed "protective custody"
Monday. Dozens of witnesses spotted Schuller, dressed only
in sandals and gym shorts, frantically scattering fragments
of an unknown substance around the edges of the parking lot
of the famed Crystal Cathedral. Variously described as "manic"
and "drooling", the minister had no comment for reporters
at the time police arrived. He simply screamed "Eeeee!! Eeeee!!"
in a piercing voice while pointing in the direction of the
The fragments were later identified as pieces of communion
wafers from within Schuller's church.
Most Simi Valley residents had no doubts as to the identity
of the fiery phallus. "I read the Starr Report from cover
to cover," said retired aerospace engineer Dave Eggert, "and
I'll tell you what, that cloud fit the description to a T!
It had that kind of bend that Paula Jones talked about - and
look at this!" Pointing to a photograph of the cloud, Eggert
pointed out an area at its base. "Look at that - where it
sticks out," Eggert said, indicating a protruding segment
at the base of the cloud. "If that's not a 'distinguishing
physical characteristic,' I sure as hell don't know what is!"
Eggert, whose shake-shingle-roofed home, closely surrounded
by dry eucalyptus trees and tall yucca plants, was located
high in a canyon on a narrow cul-de-sac road, lost no time
in blaming the former president for the loss of his house.
"Controlled burning and brush clearance, my ass!" he stated.
"With Clinton's penis behind these fires, you could put the
whole LAFD (Los Angeles Fire Department) on the line and it
wouldn't make a bit of difference."