Baghdad Nuclear Explosion "Sign of Coalition Success"
Satire by David Albrecht
WASHINGTON - 30 October, 2003. Baghdad, the heart
of Middle Eastern civilization for thousands of years, was
largely obliterated by a thermonuclear explosion yesterday.
Experts believe that the death toll may rise to one million
or more in the first use of nuclear weapons by a terrorist
group, and emphasize that these are conservative casualty
No organization has claimed responsibility for the attack,
though many believe that it is the work of Osama bin Laden,
possibly using a strategic multi-stage weapon smuggled from
the former Soviet Union's weapons stockpiles.
With an initial fireball estimated at two miles in diameter,
central Baghdad has been obliterated, and firestorms are now
engulfing many of the surviving suburbs. The flash of the
explosion, which came at 9:54 AM local time, was seen as far
away as Tikrit and Kuwait City, at which time all communications
with Baghdad stopped.
President Bush, however, remained upbeat in his assessment
of the situation in Iraq. "This cowardly attack is proof that
our efforts in the region are having good success. You see,
these terrorists hate freedom. They hate our freedom. They
hate the new-found freedoms of the liberated people of Iraq."
Taking time out from his Camp David meeting with Focus on
the Family founder James Dobson, Bush took a few moments to
speak to the press, and to address critics in Congress. Many
members of both parties have now stated that resources they
believe were wasted hunting for Saddam Hussein's weapons of
mass destruction might have been better utilized seeking to
block attacks such as this morning's lethal blast.
The president, however, disagreed: "Some people might think
that we've lost the war on terrorism. Well I'll tell you this
- whoever set off this nuclear bomb is no longer a threat
to the security of the United States - and you can bank on
that." American resolve, Mr. Bush stated, will not break:
"We're in a long fight. There may be setbacks. But if this
attack tells us anything, it tells us that the evil ones are
responding to all the good work we're doing in Iraq. An attack
of this size can only be considered a sign of the success
of our coalition - a success those who hate freedom consider
Financial markets worldwide reeled at the news of the bombing.
On Wall Street, the Dow Jones lost 897 points before the NYSE
suspended trading, and the NASDAQ was down 282 by the end
of the day. All major foreign markets slumped by at least
However, Secretary of the Treasury John Snow pointed out
that, in his words: "There's really no need to panic - in
this low interest-rate environment, we're looking at minimal
disruption once the first shock subsides." Snow also pointed
out that recent durable-goods orders are up and mortgage rates
remain low. He also spoke of new opportunities in companies
making bottled water, prosthetic limbs and home generators.
He also stated that "now is a good time to invest" in the
lead mining business. President Bush also sounded bullish,
noting that "The economy's still recovering and productivity
When asked whether changes would be made in his national
security team, he noted that Condoleeza Rice, the National
Security Advisor, would continue to shoulder the lion's share
of Iraq policy formation. "Condi's already my unsticker, and
I guess now she'll be my decontaminator," the president added
The president also still plans to visit a newly reopened
school in the Basra area as part of his upcoming visit to
Iraq, though White House officials were uncertain just when
all radioactive debris could be removed, or when electricity
would be restored.