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An "Interview" with Arnold Schwarzenegger
October 4, 2003
Satire by by Woody, of The Homeless Leftists

In his book Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot, Al Franken exposed how Rush would occasionally fabricate interviews with prominent progressives, using actual quotes out of context. Here our contributing writer Woody takes a page from the Limbaugh playbook for this exciting "interview" with gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger.

W: Thanks for agreeing to this interview. First of all, I would like to ask you about Arianna Huffington-

AS: I just [made love to] her. I just [made love to] her! (Los Angeles Times, 9/29/03)

W: Really? I can't see the two of you hitting it off.

AS: Obviously, I've made statements that are ludicrous and crazy and outrageous and all those things. (Los Angeles Times, 8/30/03)

W: We noticed. Moving on to the issues in California. You like to point out the state's massive budget deficit. What is your plan to overcome it?

AS: Terminate taxes. (Wall Street Journal, 8/24/03)

W: How are you going to produce revenue, then?

AS: Our elected officials in Sacramento are facing a budget crisis unseen in this state since the Great Depression. Teachers are getting pink slips, cops are getting laid off and the taxpayers are facing an increase in taxes. (Associated Press, 6/11/03)

W: You see, Arnold, that's just the thing. Those are all ways to decrease expenditures or raise revenue, which governors have to do when there's a budget shortfall. What are you going to do?

AS: You're only used to signing the check on the back. But not the front. You have never signed a check on the front. So, this is what you have to do. Realize that. (Gubernatorial recall debate, 8/24/03)

W: Actually, I've signed hundreds of checks on the front. At least I think I have. Maybe I took too much cold medicine this morning. I bet you used a few substances in your day, eh?

AS: Yes, hash and grass - no hard drugs. (Oui, 8/77)

W: That's pretty lame. Isn't that like saying you didn't inhale?

AS: I just realized I have a perfect part for you in Terminator 4. (Debate, 8/24/03)

W: I'll bet you do. That reminds of what happened during the 2000 election. Gore and Lieberman took a lot of heat from Republicans for taking money from Hollywood, because it makes violent movies. Now those big paychecks you get, and sign on the back, come from making violent movies. Isn't it hypocritical for the GOP to support you?

AS: I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun. (Playboy, 1/88)

W: No offense, Arnold, but I think Freud might have something to say about that. And...

AS: You are one ugly motherfucker! ("Predator" Movie, 1987)

W: OK, my bad. You the man! One more question, Arnold. For the last time, how are you going to balance the budget? Can you promise that anything is off limits, in terms of budget cuts?

AS: I can promise you that when I go to Sacramento, I will pump up Sacramento. ("The Tonight Show," 8/06/03)

W: It seems to me that you actually need to deflate Sacramento.

AS: stares blankly ("Conan the Barbarian" Movie, 1982)

W: Never mind. I suppose you want to wrap this up with one of those movie cliches you spout at every campaign appearance.

AS: Hasta la vista, baby! ("Terminator 2: Judgement Day" Movie, 1991)

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