Dear Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys
August 28, 2003
By Mike McArdle

My dearest friends Jacques and Gerhard,

I realize that we haven't always seen eye-to-eye about things but I think it's time we all kind of sat down and talked things out if you get what I mean. Man to man – like we do down here in Texas. Hey, why don't I have you guys over for a barbecue? Pickles would love to see the two of you.

We've let this Iraq thing get between us for too long, you know. Old friends like we are should be able to put this kind of thing behind us.

Yeah, I know you warned me that it would be a disaster. I know you sent people over there to look for the weapons and they didn't find any and I wouldn't believe it and started the war anyway. But you guys know how it is. We're in the leadership business and we get advice from a lot of people but you see I was listening to all these guys from the think-tanks and they were telling me that everything would be okay and all those Arabs were going to be dancing in the streets and how the hell was I to know it was all bullshit ? Hell, I can't even find Iraq on a map. I can't even find Crawford, Texas for chrissakes.

Jacques, Gerhard, you gotten bad advice sometimes, haven't you?

Kind of funny I guess that we didn't find any weapons either and you better believe we've turned the place upside down looking. So Hans and the guys were right, I guess.

I mean I'll admit that. Okay? Hans was right. There. I said it.

We all make mistakes and I know we all said some things that we regret. The "freedom fries" and stuff like that, I mean, who knows how these things get started. Someday we're all going to laugh about this but right now I'm in a jam and I really need your help.

I need troops and money. And I need them like yesterday.

And I know what you're thinking but it won't be like it was last time. I'll be good boy from now on. I promise. I've changed. I really have. If you just send a bunch of troops and big pile of those euros we can make things work over there and we'll be allies again just like it used to be. No more think-tankers. I mean it this time. I really do.

No more wars without you guys and Kofi and the Security Council. Promise. Done deal. How's that ? You have my word on it. But ya gotta help me – our people keep getting killed and we're spending a billion and a half a week and my poll numbers are going into the crapper and there's an election next year.

Jacques, Gerhard please. Help me out here. At least return my phone calls for crying out loud. Look, I'll give you some of the oil, a lot of the oil, just as soon as we can stop the bastards from blowing up the pipelines every couple of days.

Come on guys. Just some troops and money. That's all I need.

Jacques, Gerhard. You're my only hope. I'll be waiting to hear from you.

Your friend forever,

George W. Bush