Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys
By Mike McArdle
My dearest friends Jacques and Gerhard,
I realize that we haven't always seen eye-to-eye about things
but I think it's time we all kind of sat down and talked things
out if you get what I mean. Man to man – like we do down here
in Texas. Hey, why don't I have you guys over for a barbecue?
Pickles would love to see the two of you.
We've let this Iraq thing get between us for too long, you
know. Old friends like we are should be able to put this kind
of thing behind us.
Yeah, I know you warned me that it would be a disaster.
I know you sent people over there to look for the weapons
and they didn't find any and I wouldn't believe it and started
the war anyway. But you guys know how it is. We're in the
leadership business and we get advice from a lot of people
but you see I was listening to all these guys from the think-tanks
and they were telling me that everything would be okay and
all those Arabs were going to be dancing in the streets and
how the hell was I to know it was all bullshit ? Hell, I can't
even find Iraq on a map. I can't even find Crawford, Texas
Jacques, Gerhard, you gotten bad advice sometimes, haven't
Kind of funny I guess that we didn't find any weapons either
and you better believe we've turned the place upside down
looking. So Hans and the guys were right, I guess.
I mean I'll admit that. Okay? Hans was right. There. I said
We all make mistakes and I know we all said some things
that we regret. The "freedom fries" and stuff like
that, I mean, who knows how these things get started. Someday
we're all going to laugh about this but right now I'm in a
jam and I really need your help.
I need troops and money. And I need them like yesterday.
And I know what you're thinking but it won't be like it
was last time. I'll be good boy from now on. I promise. I've
changed. I really have. If you just send a bunch of troops
and big pile of those euros we can make things work over there
and we'll be allies again just like it used to be. No more
think-tankers. I mean it this time. I really do.
No more wars without you guys and Kofi and the Security
Council. Promise. Done deal. How's that ? You have my word
on it. But ya gotta help me – our people keep getting killed
and we're spending a billion and a half a week and my poll
numbers are going into the crapper and there's an election
Jacques, Gerhard please. Help me out here. At least return
my phone calls for crying out loud. Look, I'll give you some
of the oil, a lot of the oil, just as soon as we can stop
the bastards from blowing up the pipelines every couple of
Come on guys. Just some troops and money. That's all I need.
Jacques, Gerhard. You're my only hope. I'll be waiting to
hear from you.
Your friend forever,
George W. Bush