by Bush PR Blitz, Green Groups Rush to Endorse Adminstration
Satire by David Albrecht
DC, 18 August 2003 - Stunned by George W. Bush's amazing personal
magnetism, telegenic style and above all by an unprecedented
series of photo-op campaign stops, the nation's environmental
establishment is now rushing to endorse his candidacy in 2004.
The announcement came yesterday at a joint press conference
held by the Sierra Club, the Audubon Society, the National
Resources Defense Council (NRDC), the Union of Concerned Scientists,
the Nature Conservancy and the National Parks & Conservation
Association. Though formal endorsements from each organization
won't come for another month or so, the impromptu thumbs-up
provides a big boost to Bush in a policy area which is usually
problematic for the GOP.
Carl Pope, executive director of the Sierra Club led off
the conference with a brief explanation of the somewhat startling
shift. "When President Bush came to California last week,
his appearance was an epiphany for the Sierra Club and for
me personally. When the footage ran on the evening news of
him shoveling dirt, our switchboard lit up like a Christmas
tree with people voicing their support for his environmental
policies. Our website was buried in pro-Bush e-mails - it
even overloaded and shut down briefly!" Asked what specific
proposals made during the photo-op changed his mind, Pope
blinked back tears and said, "It wasn't anything specific.
It was just the way he held that brand-new shovel while wearing
brand-new gloves and crisp, new outdoor clothing. Seeing that,
I just knew that here was a trustworthy steward of our nation's
Bush visited California to promote his Healthy Forests Initiative.
Critics of the plan had pointed out that although many national
forests need thinning, relatively little of the plan was focused
on clearing brush near communities at risk from wildfires.
Until last week, they claimed that the plan's true aim was
to open roadless areas and allow timber industry access to
old-growth trees. But the impact of photographs and video
footage of Bush standing near trees was more than enough to
reverse this stance. "Everything about this visit, from the
helicopter fly-in to the fact that he was standing really
close to some of the trees, was utterly convincing. Here is
a man who cares, and a man whom we can trust with our public
lands," said John Adams, President of the NRDC. "And did you
see the way he shoveled dirt? Wow!", Adams added.
Frank O'Donnell, Executive Director of the Clean Air Trust,
noted at a separate event that he now understands and believes
in the Bush administration's Clear Skies proposal. "Thanks
to these visits, I now understand that the best way to make
our nation's air cleaner is by removing limits on the amount
of pollution electrical utilities can release. There's no
better way to make our air cleaner than by making it dirtier."
The Clean Air Trust announced via press release that it would
now favor the elimination of CAFE and automobile emission
standards in favor of a cooperative, market-based approach.
The Trust's presidential endorsement is expected by the end
One holdout to date among environmental organizations has
been PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), a
group associated with acts of vandalism and known for its
confrontational style. White House sources say that Bush plans
to gain their support by traveling to Newfoundland in March
or April of 2004. Once on the ice with the seal hunters, the
president will win over PETA's leadership and members by photogenically
clubbing baby seals live on national television.