Gonna Run for Gov'ner!
By Gerald Plessner
I've decided to run for governor! I've looked at the field
and I think I can do a better job.
Hear me out. I've got a plan. When I am elected, the first
thing I will do is have all the locks in the Capitol changed.
That way every legislator - Republican and Democrat -
will have to come to my office to get a new key.
We will sit down and I will reason with them. I will explain
the new reality, that the people elected me to get things
moving and I have a mandate. Within 30 days I will present
a plan for getting California moving in the right direction
and I will need their help and participation to get the job
If they don't sign on, they can set up their office on a
bench on the Capitol lawn and use their own cell phones. Tough
times require tough solutions.
Not now, I'm just getting started. And another thing. During
the debate on the next budget, if the legislature doesn't
get the job done on schedule, then all pay, benefits and expense
reimbursements will be suspended until the budget is adopted.
The next thing I will do is build a new team for California.
I like Leon Panetta for chief of staff. He knows how Sacramento
works and he did a good job as chief of staff for Bill Clinton.
And he and I can have some of those late night talks like
Martin Sheen and John Spencer have on The West Wing. Intellectual
stuff about freedom and democracy . . . and the Dodgers.
"Gerald, you can't..."
Listen, Honey. I'm not done yet. I have to talk to Cruz
Bustamante. He's Lieutenant governor and he has to shepherd
our program through the Legislature. This won't be like previous
administrations where the Governor never talked to the Lieutenant
governor. Cruz wants to be governor. I need Cruz and he needs
me. We have to work together. And if he isn't enthusiastic,
it's locksmith time!
The next thing I will do is fill my administration with
the best people from among the other candidates I defeated.
I will appoint them to key jobs in my administration. Peter
Ueberroth is my choice for reorganizing state government and
cost-cutting to meet the new fiscal reality. We need to make
some brutal cuts and he is the man to do the job.
For business development, I want Larry Flynt.
Hear me out. He calls himself a pornographer. But the stuff
he makes is probably not much worse than those reality television
shows. And at least he is honest about what he does. He made
a fortune starting from nothing, a true Horatio Alger type.
I think he could convince the movie industry to move back
to Southern California. I'll bet he has a lot of friends in
Asia. Maybe he could get them to give us some of those jobs
The next thing I have to do is get the New York banks to
go easy on us for about the next ten years. I'll need Arnold
for that. Every East Coast Republican will want to meet the
Terminator. If Maria goes along, the Democrats will even talk
to him. The exposure will help him get ready to run for governor
in 2004 or whenever, and he should love that idea.
Now what do I do with Arianna?
"Gerald, listen to me! The deadline was Saturday! You
can't run for governor!"
Oh really? . . . Damn!
Gerald Plessner is a Southern California businessman who
promises never to run for anything. He would be pleased to
hear from you and may be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.