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An
Exceedingly Modest Proposal
August
16, 2003
By TygrBright
 They
call it an "epiphany" when a sudden, blinding, life-changing
insight hits you. I think I've just had one.
So much of one that I'm sending in my membership fee to
the NRA tomorrow, and looking for other advocacy groups to
send generous checks to - groups that promote gun access and
ownership rights.
I've been hearing the arguments all my life, more or less.
You know the ones I mean:
"Allowing ordinary people to own guns makes neighborhoods
safer. Knowing that people have the means to protect themselves
deters criminals."
"An armed society is a polite society."
"Access to guns is the peoples' last bastion of protection
against tyranny."
Frankly, I'd always more or less dismissed these arguments
as the self-interested rhetoric of a few hobbyists, sportsmen,
etc. Not that I strongly disagreed with them. Indeed, until
just the other day I'd always been rather wishy-washy on the
whole Second Amendment issue. I didn't want prohibition, but
I worried about unrestricted access, too.
No more; I have seen The Light. Hallelujah, brothers and
sisters. Hand me that Kalashnikov, willya? And throw in a
little light artillery while you're at it, maybe a couple
of RPGs and a launcher. I need to take responsibility for
the safety of myself, my home, my neighborhood, and even my
country.
Oh, yeah, and remind me to send in those subscriptions to
Soldier of Fortune and Guns & Ammo, too.
So what caused this moment of truth? Like so many die-hard
advocates for unrestricted access to ordnance of all types,
it was an act of underhanded government tyranny that turned
me around. Seeing just how far the government will go to keep
the people unarmed and helpless made me understand the true
nature of the threat, and revealed my obligation to stand
firm against this outrageous oppression.
You might be wondering what the hell I'm talking about,
if you haven't really listened to the news in the past couple
of days. Friends, I am here to tell you: Hemant Lakhani is
just the tip of a very menacing iceberg.
You're probably at least aware of the broadest outlines
of the story of this victim of FBI entrapment, but you might
not yet truly understand what it portends for you. Well, bear
with me, while I explain.
You see, at first I, like many of you, heard the story of
how Mr. Lakhani was "caught" trying to "facilitate terrorism"
by selling surface-to-air missiles to "would-be terrorists."
And, like many of you (probably) I thought, "Well, good, that's
a few less implements of mayhem in the hands of evildoers.
Good on you, Mr. Mueller."
Then the details came through. Mr. Lakhani was set up! It
was a sting! There were no evil terrorists plotting to down
good old American airplanes; it was all a con job!
It didn't bother me at first. After all, there could
be lowdown swarthy men with nasty designs on us, trying to
buy missiles, right? And keeping them from getting
the missiles should be a good thing, shouldn't it?
Except it suddenly occurred to me: If they start entrapping
sellers of surface-to-air missiles, won't it become harder
for honest people who want to buy them for legitimate
purposes to obtain them? And what might be the consequences
of that?
Now, doubtless you, like me, first responded to this question
with a chuckle. Who would want a SAM?
But here's where my epiphany happened. A little voice in
my head (sounded remarkably like Charlton Heston,) said "Well,
what if some guy in a penthouse apartment in New York City
had a SAM handy around 9:00 AM on 9/11/01?"
It seemed absurd at first. But I couldn't shake the nagging
thought. What if?
All those arguments I'd been hearing for so long took on
new meaning:
"Allowing ordinary people to own guns makes neighborhoods
safer. Knowing that people have the means to protect themselves
deters criminals."
Damn straight. And if they know that every other household
or so has a SAM launcher on the roof and knows how to use
it, those damn terrorists will think twice about pulling another
stunt like 9/11. If we station an RPG launcher next to every
fire extinguisher, and everyone carries a grenade in their
backpack, briefcase, or purse, just think of the deterrent
effect! Mentally ill people planning random shootings will
have to deal with the logistics of evading real firepower,
in the hands of some really pissed-off innocent bystanders.
The possibilities just keep getting bigger and bigger.
"An armed society is a polite society."
Well, slap my forehead, they're right! Think about it! The
solution to the problem of North Korea building a nuclear
arsenal is not to dither on about nuclear non-proliferation
at the UN like a bunch of girly-man wussies. Start selling
our excess nuclear warheads at a special "friends discount"
to South Korea, Japan, Cambodia, Burma, Thailand, Indonesia,
Malaysia, and Singapore! That ought to make Kim Jong Il think
twice about starting anything. It's not nuclear non-proliferation
we should be pushing - we should be engaging in a coordinated
strategy of nuclear distribution on a global scale! World
peace is finally within our grasp!
"Access to guns is the peoples' last bastion of protection
against tyranny."
Well, call it another 'duh-uh-uh' moment for me. Of course.
We could have avoided the whole expensive Iraqi mess if we'd
just listen to Mr. Heston. Why send more than a hundred and
thirty thousand Americans to play tin duck in 120-degree heat
and spend a billion a week on 'nation building?' After all,
the real problem in Iraq was the terrible tyranny the
Iraqis were subject to, tyranny we were just morally obligated
to rescue them from.
So why didn't they ask Wayne LaPierre before getting all
those young Americans killed? We could have just blanketed
all of Iraq with guns and grenades, SAMs and small-caliber
howitzers. Dropped 'em in by airlift. Ten or twelve billion
dollars worth ought to have done the trick, I reckon, and
cheap at twice the price, compared to what we're paying (and
paying, and paying, and paying…) The Iraqi people could have
risen up against their oppressor and overthrown government
tyranny, just like we did in 1776!
Well, it's too late, now, but it might be a cheap and easy
exit strategy to get us out of Iraq. Just line up every single
Iraqi citizen over the age of, say, twelve. Yes, even the
women. Issue each one with a Kalashnikov, a thousand rounds
of ammo, and a couple of dozen grenades. Put a missile launcher
in every neighborhood in the cities, and in the center of
the smaller towns and villages, and give each citizen a half
dozen or so missiles. They can protect themselves from tyranny
for years, with an arsenal like that, and it would be lots
cheaper than all this wimpy 'nation-building' stuff.
I'd write more, but I have to research militia training.
After all, it'll be my responsibility to know how to use my
new SAMs and launcher.
If I can find someone to sell them to me without those minions
of despotism at the FBI to intimidate and entrap them.
Remember: If SAMs are outlawed, only outlaws will have SAMs!
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