to North Korea, Try the #5030, It's Delicious
By Jeremy B. Cairns
Hide your daughters, Rummy's at it again. And when Donald
Rumsfeld is at it that also means hide your sons and anyone
else you know of legal dying age…er…excuse me, military age.
He has taken all of the good things that happened in the preemptive
strike against Afghanistan and all of the positive things
that happened during the preemptive strike against Iraq and
made it into the ultimate provocative plan. It is called Plan
How this "brilliant" Plan #5030 works is that the U.S. does
certain things to agitate the North Korean people and military,
deplete their scarce resources, and create a situation where
the people force Kim Jon Il to either step down or take action
such as a full scale war. They do this by flying spy planes
too close to N. Korea's fly zone so they have to dispatch
airplanes and use jet fuel. The U.S. does large scale week-long
military movements along the 38th parallel forcing the military
into their bunkers depleting valuable food, water, and fuel.
There are other plans in existence, for example Plan #5026
(accuse North Korea of the same thing Kobe Bryant is accused
of and then attack) or Plan #5027 (pray that God strips their
heathenish country from the earth like a band-aid from skin).
Plan #5028 was scrapped because of bad handwriting and Plan
#5029 was accidentally left on the table at a Karaoke bar.
All of these previous plans had one thing in common. They
didn't take into account that the United States can't afford
another expensive war in which diplomacy is thrown out the
window and reconstruction is a laughable farce/corporate grab
bag. But won't we all be happy when the familiar communists
are once again the enemy. Anne Coulter sure will be.
Here we have another blatant reason why this administration
shouldn't be in charge of the carousel at the county fair
let alone the most powerful country in the world. The plan
specifically is stated to be the culmination of the things
that were learned from the last two conflicts the U.S. has
been in. One, don't do the whole preemptive thing again, that
was a PR nightmare on a global scale. Instead, provoke them
into attacking first, call them evil (you know, Kim Jong Il
= Hitler, blah, blah, blah) and then flatten them with the
help of countries that actually matter such as Japan and South
Korea. Two, keep the President from habitually stumbling over
his tongue about things like "war" and "foreign issues" by
taking aggressive actions that can be considered "of national
security" and thus hush, hush. Spy planes and troop movements
are always considered a given when it comes to the average
American accepting a lack of knowledge. Most importantly is
a third issue we learned. If it's not preemptive, the U.S.
doesn't have to reconstruct the country. Leaving a smoldering
wasteland of starvation, disease, and crime is a little more
justifiable when the "evil" takes the first shot.
This asinine notion that the army of North Korea will rebel
against Kim Jong Il is even more far-fetched than the Iraqi
army overthrowing Saddam. Rightly or wrongly, the people in
North Korea don't think that the United States is the great
Savior, they blame the U.S. for making them starve, as did
the Iraqi people in the early years of sanctions. The difference
is that there are whole generations of people in North Korea
being taught who the great evil is and it isn't South Korea.
So after we wrangle the cat into the corner what do you
think the cat is going to do? Bite as hard as it can, of course
- and that could have nuclear implications. Whose fault is
it really? Well, ask yourself, whose fault was it that the
Taliban became a problem? Whose fault was it that Saddam had
weapons of mass destruction? These problems either relate
directly or indirectly through Donald Rumsfeld. The current
fiascos today in Afghanistan and Iraq are now directly related
to the complete and utter incompetence of the Secretary of
Defense. And now he thinks it's a good idea to "provoke" one
of the most volatile nuclear powers in the world so that the
administration won't have to go through dealing with the preemptive
strike logistical nightmare and the diplomatic route, which
is obviously this administration's weakest trait.
If this plan is implemented it will be a disaster not only
because it is completely egotistical and agenda driven, but
also the fact that it was the plan of a proven loser. The
plan of a man that should not be in a level of authority merely
because of his short sighted desire for personal power at
the expense of the American people and the lives of their
adult children. The mere fact that Plan #5030 even exists
just goes to show that arrogance is this administration's
modus operandi and as long as this administration is in power
the wars will never stop.
Jeremy B. Cairns is a freelance comedy writer whose resume
includes Comedy Central, ESPN, and MTV. He is also a political
activist and a volunteer for the Democratic Party.