Eye for the Straight G.I.
Satire by Phil Lebovits
how low can the Bushies go? Mired in plummeting poll numbers,
guerilla warfare in Iraq and a record-setting budget deficit,
the information machine run by Karl Rove is now going after
Canadians. Gay Canadians. Eh?
Last week, ABC News correspondent Jeffrey Kofman reported
on the issue of poor morale in the armed forces stationed
in Iraq, focusing on the gripes of some in the Army's 3rd
Infantry Division. The report put a lie to the myth that all
is hunky-dory with our brave soldiers. It's 115 degrees there,
those grateful freedom-loving Iraqis are killing Americans
almost every day, and the troops want to know when they can
The story was riveting. As much as the spin maestros in
the White House try to put a happy face on the events following
the "end of hostilities," nasty facts keep getting in the
Using Matt "Lose the Hat" Drudge as their messenger, the
White House clumsily
leaked word that the aforementioned Mr. Kofman is gay,
and horror upon horrors, a Canadian! How can one trust a reporter
who enjoys both hockey and Liza? How objective can a newsman
be when the very troops he's interviewing have no idea that
the "camouflage look" is so Nineties?
They do have a point. It's common knowledge that many gay
Canadian journalists looked the other way when Wayne Gretsky
was traded from the Edmonton Oilers to the Los Angeles Kings
in 1988. While that fair and frosty city agonized over the
loss of their favorite son, gay Canadian journalists took
to the airwaves with stories of separatists in Quebec and
the "goings on" in Ottawa. To a keen observer of the Canadian
scene, it was obvious that these indifferent gay Canadian
journalists were glad to see Gretsky go. They rejoiced while
Gay Canadian journalists, unrepentant and prone to "just
making it up," have filed stories in the past few months that
have raised more than just a few penciled-in eyebrows. Case
in point: SARS. The outbreak of that virulent disease jolted
a public that was just coming to grips with a new terror alert,
not to mention the cancellation of ABC's "Are You Hot?" Exploiting
the SARS scare for their own crafty agenda, these cynical
gay Canadian journalists fabricated story after story of how
Toronto was SARS-ridden, and, by implication, must be avoided
at all costs.
But why? One needs to look no further than the champagne
and chablis crisis that was raging throughout all major Canadian
cities. Tourists, lured by the "safe streets" of Toronto,
its hip cosmopolitan flavor, and a favorable exchange rate,
descended in droves. The gay community looked on in horror
as these free-spending tourists ordered round after round
of white wine spritzers and splashes. The laws of supply and
demand soon kicked in, and many gay Canadian journalists now
found themselves paying up to twenty-five percent more for
their Sunday brunch mimosas. Something had to be done.
Meeting in a dank, yet well-decorated, cellar off of York
Street, a cabal of gay Canadian journalists conspired to manufacture
the "SARS Hits Toronto" story. With the help of nefarious
Chinese restaurant owners and freelance feng shui instructors,
they planted SARS rumors amongst the fearful denizens of Toronto's
Chinatown. Within days, these fabrications reached critical
mass and began leaking into the mainstream press, a press
run, incidentally, by gay Canadian journalists.
Soon after, the World Health Organization placed a "travel
advisory" on Toronto and the flood of tourists became a trickle.
And the trickle of chablis became a flood.
It's an axiom in journalistic circles that there's nothing
a gay Canadian journalist won't do to get a sexy by-line.
Peter Jennings, Canadian by birth, and still umarried, has
seen his ratings tank since the public has become more aware
of this scourge.
Only by the grace of god were the New Jersey Devils able
to defeat the Ottawa Senators in the Stanley Cup finals this
year. Thankfully, we were spared the awful sight of celebratory
gay Canadian journalists dancing through the streets of the
Canadian capital, hopped up on cheap chardonnay, leaving nothing,
not even the truth, in their wake.
Yes, American troops are unhappy with the Iraqi mission.
And yes, they have a right to vent their anger and frustration.
But the Army, embarrassed and humiliated, needs to take its
sexual-orientation policies and adapt them to the ruthless
world of cutthroat journalism. A new motto is needed now:
"Don't ask. And don't tell a gay Canadian journalist. "