Threatened as Rumsfeld Resorts to Weapons of Mass Deconstruction
Satire by Joyce McGreevy
WASHINGTON - What began as an attempted mass drugging of
news media has spread throughout the United States, sources
in Washington report.
The attacks, originally characterized by news analysts as
"innocent attempts to confuse people about the truth"
and later upgraded to "intent to hypnotize using a lethal
tautology," have escalated in recent days. The broadest
attack occurred Sunday on "Meet the Press" when
Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld opened fire on the nature
of truth itself.
Defending President Bush's claim in his State of the Union
Address that Iraq tried to buy uranium from Africa, Rumsfeld
sent countless viewers into illogic overload when he opened
fire with a barrage of confusion disguised as an attempt at
clarification: "It turns out that it's technically correct
what the president said, that the U.K. does – did say that
– and still says that. They haven't changed their mind, the
United Kingdom Intelligence people."
Rumsfeld's assertion that the phrasing was accurate even
if the supporting evidence was unsubstantiated triggered synaptic
whiplash in viewers throughout several states. Paramedics
on the scenes reported that several people suffered cerebral
meltdowns as a result of trying to read any sense into Rumsfeld's
After treating several whose intelligence had been assaulted,
one paramedic remarked, "You have to understand, a lot
of these people were already infected with Rumsfeld poisoning,
and didn't even know it. Remember when he let fly with 'known
knowns' and 'known unknowns'? That and the one about the future
not necessarily being as unpredictable as the past really
put a lot of people into serious brain cramp. So this attack
is only the latest step in what could be a prolonged offensive."
If left untreated, this mass confusion could lead to permanent
democratic paralysis, say political health experts at the
CDC, or Center for Defense Control. They have urged people
to immunize themselves by installing bullshit detectors and
fog filters in their homes before listening to further statements
by Rumsfeld. However, the CDC has also rescinded a previous
recommendation that all Americans use alarms that emit piercing
beeps in response to illogic, lies, and revisionist explanations.
Asked why, the CDC cited complaints from users that "the
damn things go on and stay on whenever Rumsfeld begins to
White House insiders warn that Operation Obfuscate is only
just getting started, and forces loyal to Rumsfeld have urged
him to use all verbal weaponry at his disposal. They want
him to explain that George Tenet, the newly appointed Secretary
of Sole Responsibility, had simply shown his human side in
allowing the now infamous "16 words" to be included
in the text written for the president's State of the Union
"What you have to remember is that Tenet was attempting
to not only interpret forged intelligence but also to translate
British into American for a president who is not fluent in
either language. The mere fact that the president was forced
to mouth 16 words without taking a breath should tell you
that President Bush had no idea what he was talking about
and thus retains his right to be considered ignorant unless
proven more so. Surely any Rumsfeld-thinking American can
On Wednesday Rumsfeld, accompanied by his smokescreen, dismissed
concerns that the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq was based on faulty
intelligence, or, as President Bush articulated it, "darn
good intelligence." In a statement to the Senate Armed
Services, Rumsfeld declared, "The coalition did not act in
Iraq because we had discovered dramatic new evidence of Iraq's
pursuit of weapons of mass murder." To which several
members of the committee retorted, "Our point exactly."
Rumsfeld stopped short of responding to a charge that the
U.S. was sent into war on false pretenses, disappointing admirers
who had counted on him to point out that those were, in fact,
actual and deliberate pretenses. However, Rumsfeld did dismiss
the now-retracted report about uranium. "It was one scrap
of intelligence along with, if you think back to Secretary
Powell's presentation that included a great deal of information,"
he said. Rumsfeld was apparently referring to such incontrovertible
evidence of global threat as Iraq's acquisition of deadly
aluminum tubes, or as the President categorized it, "them
things you use to hold in a roll of toilet paper."
Joyce McGreevy, who has written economic satire for Salon,
a book for Sierra Club, and other books and articles, lives
in Portland, Oregon.