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Rumsfeld
Announces Discovery of Spears of Mass Destruction
July
12, 2003
Satire by David Albrecht
 WASHINGTON
- Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced today at
a Pentagon press conference that coalition forces had discovered
a huge cache of spears, arrows and similar projectile weapon
systems, believed to be of Iraqi origin, buried deep in an
archaeological site high on the slopes of Turkey's Mount Ararat.
"Our weapons analysis teams have confirmed a large number
of both spears and arrows, which showed substantial traces
of biological toxins on their points and edges, at the site
in question", he said. Pentagon insiders, speaking off the
record, noted that although the spears and arrows were fairly
primitive by 21st Century standards, the addition of modern
propulsion technology could have rendered them far more dangerous
to US and other coalition troops. The toxins, possibly derived
from animal dung or other natural substance, could have posed
"a serious threat of infection and irritation to soldiers
in the field", according to Secretary Rumsfeld.
That the Iraqi weapons cache was discovered high on a mountain
in Turkey has led many military experts and Middle East policy
specialists to conclude that an arrangement existed at some
point between the Turkish government and that of Saddam Hussein.
However, in the absence of any comment from Turkish authorities,
and without confirmatory records in Baghdad, the nature of
this alliance remains a topic of speculation and rumor.
The site in question, according to Rumsfeld, lies within
the hold of an "unusually large naval asset", described by
weapons researchers in foreign press reports as being "hundreds
of feet" in length. Some local residents, who have worked
as laborers during the excavation of the cache, have painted
a picture of an enormous vessel, mired tens of meters deep
in glacial ice, with the weapons stored in special compartments
low in the bow and stern sections. How the enormous Iraqi
ship came to be located buried in a glacier high atop a Turkish
mountain remains unknown. However, Rumsfeld said that the
location of the weapons site shows that "we were wise not
to underestimate the power and determination of Hussein's
regime to hide these dangerous implements."
Further evidence of the nature of the site has surfaced in
the form of bones - thousands of them. Zoologists have identified
dozens of species not native to Turkey, including elephants,
rhinos, gorillas, spider monkeys (a New World species) and
kangaroos. General Tommy Franks, who recently retired as head
of US Central Command, stated on Fox News that the bones show
that Saddam "left no stone unturned in his search for simple,
effective and possibly devastating dung-based, iron-tipped
bio-weapons. This was a long-term and thoroughly researched
program." Officials in the office of Paul Bremer, Iraq's civilian
administrator, are now poring over zoo records in search of
evidence of animal purchases and transfers. In addition, large
mounds of hay, grain and other animal foodstuffs, preserved
by the glacial deep-freeze, gave evidence that this was a
long-term operation for test animal upkeep.
A final link between the ship and Iraq came in the form of
documents discovered on board. These parchments and clay tablets,
written in an early style of cuneiform common in the Baghdad
region thousands of years ago, may well be treasures from
Iraq's rich archeological past, hidden for safekeeping. Document
analysis teams are working 24-hour shifts to recover the information
they contain. Among their findings so far: a description of
the ship itself, which oddly sketches the vessel's length,
height and beam using the obsolete measure of the cubit; and
veterinary records. These records, which describe the acquisition
of breeding pairs of almost every animal species known, "show",
in Rumsfeld's words, "that Saddam Hussein was engaged in a
very long-term plan to improve his weapons systems. This was
a clear threat, and President Bush made the right decision
when he chose to stop it."
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