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Homeland Security Self-Examination
June 18, 2003
Satire by Ray Lesser

Homeland Security is the job of all patriotic Americans. Although the FBI, CIA and hundreds of other government agencies are spending millions of man-hours and billions of tax dollars trying their best to root out terrorism, Americans are still in danger. It is impossible for the Homeland Security Department to interrogate every single person in this country (and torture an occasional squealer) to sort out the good citizens from the evildoers.

That's why we've created the following Homeland Security Self-Examination. There's no longer any need for invasive and expensive government agency procedures to determine whether or not you're a terrorist. Now, you can do it yourself (as required by sec. 2476, sub-paragraph B, of the USA Patriot Act).

You may have thought all people who get infected by terrorism eventually die, either by blowing themselves up or rotting in a concentration camp in Guantanamo Bay. But early detection can help prevent terrorism. By taking this simple Homeland Security Self-Exam, you can find out if you are in danger of becoming a danger to yourself and others around you.

The Homeland Security Department recommends that all Americans over the age of 12 examine their patriotism once a month. If a change should occur in your patriotism level let your local FBI agent know, so that you can receive free government monitoring.

Homeland Security Self-Examination

1. Every American should own, and know how to use a gun because:
a. We may be called upon at any moment to fend off a jihad of foreign invaders.
b. We may need to protect our valuables from millions of newly unemployed slum-dwellers.
c. It's fun to shoot things.
d. We may be called upon to overthrow a tyrannical leadership that has stolen an election and usurped our freedoms.

2. Every American should be fingerprinted because:
a. After all good Americans are fingerprinted, only the evil ones will be left to round up and lock away.
b. It will prevent thieves from stealing my identity, and using it to rack up my Victoria's Secret credit card.
c. If you're ever kidnapped by terrorists, it'll help the authorities find and identify your body.
d. No American should ever be fingerprinted, unless they have been convicted of a felony.

3. My religion is:
a. Fundamentalist Christian awaiting the Rapture.
b. Christian, with a major in business.
c. Non-Christian, but seriously considering converting.
d. None of the government's business.

4. I fly the American Flag:
a. On both sides of my SUV.
b. In front of company headquarters.
c. On three-day weekends.
d. At half-staff to mourn for the death of our democracy.

5. If I find that my neighbor, a subsidiary of a multi-national corporation, is stockpiling hazardous waste in their backyard I should:
a. Ask the company to hide the waste by burying it, so that no terrorists can possibly attempt to use it for some evil plot.
b. Contact the Environmental Protection Agency, which takes care of all environmental problems, so you don't have anything to worry about.
c. Shut-up and mind my own business.
d. Warn other neighbors and the media about the danger.

6. I am most afraid of:
a. Islamic Fundamentalists.
b. An IRS audit.
c. Getting SARS, smallpox, or anthrax without health insurance.
d. The Republican Party.

7. The Bill of Rights:
a. Is no substitute for the Ten Commandments.
b. Only applies to generous campaign contributors.
c. Is worth sacrificing to protect my family from terrorists.
d. Guarantees the rights of the people against the abuses of power by the Federal government.

8. In regard to foreign countries, what should a patriot do?
a. Do unto others pre-emptively, before they do unto you.
b. Through bribery, assassination, and subterfuge, install puppet governments that will allow us to extract all their natural resources.
c. Bomb'em if they mess with us.
d. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

9. Most of my money is:
a. Spent supporting people who believe in salvation.
b. In oil and defense stocks.
c. Spent on rent and groceries.
d. In a glass jar on my dresser.

10. When I shop I look to see:
a. A Made-in-the-USA label.
b. Where the designer section is.
c. Where the security cameras are.
d. Whether the goods were made by sweatshop labor.

11. Every American deserves an equal opportunity to:
a. Pray for forgiveness for their sins.
b. Inherit all their family's wealth, free of taxes.
c. Work hard, and party hearty.
d. Employment, regardless of race, color, religion, sex, or national origin.

12. Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
a. No, Daddy arranged things with the judge.
b. Yes, but I paid a substantial penalty to the SEC, so it's all been cleared up.
c. Yes, but I didn't do it.
d. Yes, for protesting in a "non-free-speech" zone.

13. I would be proud to serve my President:
a. As a missionary to the heathen hordes.
b. By accepting multi-billion dollar contracts to rebuild any country he wants to bomb.
c. By enlisting in the Marines, if it wasn't for my anal cysts.
d. A subpoena to appear in court.

Now total your points:

Each a. = 1 point
Each b. = 2 points
Each c. = 3 points
Each d. = 1000 points.

Your Patriotism Level:
Less than 15: A Loyal American! (Report any suspicious activity in your neighborhood.)
15-30: A Friend of The President (Get out your checkbook).
30-39: Born in the USA (Watch more Fox News).
Over 39: Terrorist or Terrorist sympathizer (You're either with us, or you're against us. Consider this your final warning.)


Raymond Lesser is the editor and publisher of The Funny Times, a monthly humor and cartoon newspaper. Info at www.funnytimes.com

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