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Top Thirteen Reasons Why The GOP Will Never Become The Mafia, Despite Their Best Efforts
May 20, 2003
By Elayne Keratsis

The new and disturbing actions of the Republican Party since they invaded the White House have led many to believe the organization itself is attempting to morph from one of two major American political parties into a secret criminal society like La Cosa Nostra.

Let's face facts. Both of the aforementioned clans operate in secrecy, and both take oaths swearing undying allegiance to their organization (although it is doubtful the Mafia gives out membership cards like Voter IDs). Both seemingly fall into the classification of the definition of associations "set up to undermine political democracy of the majority and implement the will of a minority."

Review the definitions for further similarities. Webster defines "administration" as "a body of persons who administer, a group constituting the political executive in a presidential government, a governmental agency or board." The definition of "administration" according to The Mobspeak Dictionary is "the upper-level power structure of an organized crime Family, composed of the boss, underboss, and consigliere."

So what's keeping the Right Wingers from actually setting up shop as their own Family? Basically a lack of the following: budget management skills, dispensation of power, planning prowess, political acumen and the required je ne se quois it takes to pull off starting one's own Syndicate.

Let us examine the top thirteen reasons in which certain situations would have been handled by a bona fide, bada bing, secret criminal society vs. a bunch of amateurs, shall we?

1. THE COST OF WAR VS. COST EFFECTIVENESS

• The Washington Post reported that defense officials prepared an estimate of a $60 to $95 billion price tag for the war in Iraq (and other sources add $286 billion over the next five years) which began as a hunt for weapons of mass destruction and ballooned into deployment of thousands of troops seeking the head of Saddam Hussein. The head which has yet to be found.

• The Mafia only needed Luca Brasi.

1a. THE COST OF (MORE) WAR VS. COST EFFECTIVENESS

• Ditto the head of Osama Bin Laden.

2. DISPENSATION OF POWER VS. COST EFFECTIVENESS

• When over 50 rebellious Texas Democrats departed the House and crossed the state line, the GOP called in Department of Public Safety officers, the Texas Rangers, four narcotics officers, the FBI (who politely declined), and Homeland Security to act as "enforcers" to bring the fugitives back to the Family Compound. The cost of this aborted mission has yet to be tabulated.

• The Mafia only needed Luca Brasi.

3. REVENGE

• After years of aborted attempts, driven by jealousy, madness and an overwhelming and rabid desire to topple the most popular president in years, the GOP's last ditch effort was to drive the Kenneth Starr investigatory tab, paid by taxpayers, into the $50 million dollar range.

• The Mafia would never spend so much money just to find out about some guy's goumada. They would just put a horse's head in his bed.

3a. REVENGE

• The GOP, continuing the vendetta against their self-proclaimed "Axis Of The Unwilling", encourages the public to administer such harsh punishments to errant allies as to swear off Evian, flush the Merlot, toss out all the brie, and turn their noses up at bratwurst, leaving only American vendors out of pocket and stuck with shelves of product. (You will note that the party has not issued a statement calling for all members to pawn their Cartier watches or water their lawns with Perrier-Jouλt.)

• The Mafia, an efficient money-making machine, would just put horse's heads in all their beds.

4. AFTERMATH

• Poor planning dogs the administration as the ultimate reality show comes to a close in Iraq. According to the Washington Post, Defense Secretary Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld called security his "number one priority" in post-war Iraq and said 15,000 troops from the 1st Armored Division and hundreds of military police will soon be arriving in Baghdad in an effort to control "a serious law-and-order problem." Many members of Congress have expressed irritation at what they view as a lack of accountability and responsiveness by the Bush administration to questions about Iraq, both before and after the war.

• Michael Corleone, after carefully mapping strategy and gunning down the heads of all the families in one fell swoop on the same day, immediately put his aftermath plan of complete control into action without ever having to go back to the mattresses.

5. LABOR

• In keeping with the party tradition, instead of embracing the country's workers, the GOP continues to attempt to crush organized labor. After a recent meeting in Florida between labor leaders and Labor Secretary Elaine Chao, AFL-CIO President John Sweeney said following the meeting, according to press reports. "She was angry at points. She was insulting at points...In all my years...I have never seen a secretary of labor who's so anti-labor."

• The Mafia understands the importance of the blue collar worker, even if the feeling may not be mutual.

6. HONESTY IN THEIR BIGOTED DYSFUNCTION

• When Republican Senator Rick Santorum announced "I have a problem with homosexual acts" and went on to link homosexuality with bigamy, adultery, incest and pedophilia, the White House jumped through hoops to issue a convoluted statement that Santorum was indeed doing a good job and is "an inclusive man."

• When the Mob discovered that John "Johnny Boy" D'Amato, Capo of the biggest family in New Jersey, was enjoying engaging in homosexual acts, he was capped. Instead of issuing a denial, an informer for the family shrugged and openly admitted what everyone knew anyway - they are not a party of inclusion. "Nobody's gonna respect us if we have a gay homosexual boss sitting down discussing La Cosa Nostra business."

7. HOLLYWOOD (or Cut Off Your Nose To Spite Your Face)

• Even before the day Dan Quayle dissed Murphy Brown, prior to them mounting their own B-movie actor for Capo Di Tutti Capi, and before Joe McCarthy took out his red pen, Republicans have despised Hollywood. Citing liberal sexuality in film (except for Bo Derek in "10"), abject cinema violence (except for all Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis offerings), and gruesome horror flicks (except for Charlton Heston in "The Omega Man") Republicans are constantly on the look out for a reason to trash celebrities. Recent actor-activists have become a target for the GOP, gleeful to brand them un-American and un-Patriotic.

• The Mafia knows which side of the bread the butter is on and understands how to utilize an international public relations asset. Case in point: Brando, DeNiro, Pacino, Nicholson, and Gandofini have all taken the screen Mafioso to a level of steely strength and seething sexuality. The next film character written as a Republican romantic lead will probably be played by Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

8. DRESS CODE

• During a recent speech by President Bush in Indianapolis covering how his tax cut plan will assist all Americans and not just the wealthy, male Republican VIP audience members positioned behind Bush for photo-ops were instructed to remove their neckties in an effort to make VIPs appear more like "regular folks."

• The Mafia dress code never changes for photo-ops, it's a uniform designed to always project the same image and Caporegimes would never be asked (nor would they agree) to deviate from the custom made suit with razor sharp trouser creases, handmade shirt, silk socks, imported shoes and never any errant pieces of lint in evidence. They're proud to make themselves known. If the Mafia required a "regular guy" audience, they would merely fill the seats with soldiers (buttons) clad in their daily street attire of Banlon shirts, polyester pants and white socks.

9. IT'S ONLY BUSINESS

• The Republicans originally pooh-poohed any possible "substantial" collateral damage in their most recent war, but vowed to do their best to avoid it. At present, the civilian death toll in Iraq is hovering over 3770, and looters continue to ravage the city and untold amounts of irreplaceable ancient artifacts.

• When mob kingpin Francis P. ''Cadillac Frank'' Salemme was shot in front of the International House of Pancakes in Saugus, Massachusetts, he gallantly drew fire away from the restaurant to protect the women and children eating inside. After all, it was only business.

10. DISCRETION

• While the parties and the courts began the exhausting battle of counting and/or discounting votes for the country's new gang boss in the 2000 election, Dubya's younger brother Jeb Bush, already riding roughshod across the state of Florida, was happy to jump into the national fray. As the sworn governor of the southern state and responsible for all of its constituents, he readily announced to the national press "I did everything I could to help my brother win."

• The Mafia would not allow such a blatant admission of involvement in a monumental coup de tat. For breaking the Omertβ - the law of silence - would have been permanently relegated to an even more aquatic environment than Florida.

10a. DISCRETION

Ditto Geraldo Rivera.

11. SWING VOTE

• No need to recap here. Election 2000. Republicans. Supreme Court. You know the deal by now.

• The Mafia would have... yeah... the Mafia would have. That was actually a pretty damn good Mafia move.

12. CONSIGLIERI

• The Mafia had Tom Hagen, a quiet, low key college graduate who, almost invisibly, serviced only one client - the Corleone Family.

• The GOP has Dick Cheney, a quiet low key college graduate who, almost invisibly, services only one client - the Halliburton Family.

13. REPRESENTATION

And finally, the most important tool in a mounting a successful enterprise such as organized crime. Who's gonna represent you?

• The Mafia has allegedly been represented by such notable members and friends as the impeccably dressed Dapper Don John Gotti, the devastatingly handsome Bugsy Siegel, Las Vegas and even Ol' Blue Eyes himself.

• The GOP has Ted Nugent, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and Trent Lott. That's one big epidemic of cat scratch fever.

So there you have it. Is the Republican Party a secret society set up to undermine political democracy of the majority and implement the will of a minority? Yes, absolutely. Do they, however, meet the requirements to upgrade to their very own Family? Sadly for them, no. They are destined to remain just another crew of Mafia wannabes.

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