Thirteen Reasons Why The GOP Will Never Become The Mafia,
Despite Their Best Efforts
By Elayne Keratsis
The new and disturbing actions of the Republican Party since
they invaded the White House have led many to believe the
organization itself is attempting to morph from one of two
major American political parties into a secret criminal society
like La Cosa Nostra.
Let's face facts. Both of the aforementioned clans operate
in secrecy, and both take oaths swearing undying allegiance
to their organization (although it is doubtful the Mafia gives
out membership cards like Voter IDs). Both seemingly fall
into the classification of the definition of associations
"set up to undermine political democracy of the majority
and implement the will of a minority."
Review the definitions for further similarities. Webster
defines "administration" as "a body of persons
who administer, a group constituting the political executive
in a presidential government, a governmental agency or board."
The definition of "administration" according to
The Mobspeak Dictionary is "the upper-level power structure
of an organized crime Family, composed of the boss, underboss,
So what's keeping the Right Wingers from actually setting
up shop as their own Family? Basically a lack of the following:
budget management skills, dispensation of power, planning
prowess, political acumen and the required je ne se quois
it takes to pull off starting one's own Syndicate.
Let us examine the top thirteen reasons in which certain
situations would have been handled by a bona fide, bada bing,
secret criminal society vs. a bunch of amateurs, shall we?
1. THE COST OF WAR VS. COST EFFECTIVENESS
The Washington Post reported that defense officials
prepared an estimate of a $60 to $95 billion price tag for
the war in Iraq (and other sources add $286 billion over the
next five years) which began as a hunt for weapons of mass
destruction and ballooned into deployment of thousands of
troops seeking the head of Saddam Hussein. The head which
has yet to be found.
The Mafia only needed Luca Brasi.
1a. THE COST OF (MORE) WAR VS. COST EFFECTIVENESS
Ditto the head of Osama Bin Laden.
2. DISPENSATION OF POWER VS. COST EFFECTIVENESS
When over 50 rebellious Texas Democrats departed the House
and crossed the state line, the GOP called in Department of
Public Safety officers, the Texas Rangers, four narcotics
officers, the FBI (who politely declined), and Homeland Security
to act as "enforcers" to bring the fugitives back
to the Family Compound. The cost of this aborted mission has
yet to be tabulated.
The Mafia only needed Luca Brasi.
After years of aborted attempts, driven by jealousy, madness
and an overwhelming and rabid desire to topple the most popular
president in years, the GOP's last ditch effort was to drive
the Kenneth Starr investigatory tab, paid by taxpayers, into
the $50 million dollar range.
The Mafia would never spend so much money just to find
out about some guy's goumada. They would just put a horse's
head in his bed.
The GOP, continuing the vendetta against their self-proclaimed
"Axis Of The Unwilling", encourages the public to
administer such harsh punishments to errant allies as to swear
off Evian, flush the Merlot, toss out all the brie, and turn
their noses up at bratwurst, leaving only American vendors
out of pocket and stuck with shelves of product. (You will
note that the party has not issued a statement calling for
all members to pawn their Cartier watches or water their lawns
The Mafia, an efficient money-making machine, would just
put horse's heads in all their beds.
Poor planning dogs the administration as the ultimate
reality show comes to a close in Iraq. According to the Washington
Post, Defense Secretary Donald "Dr. Strangelove"
Rumsfeld called security his "number one priority" in post-war
Iraq and said 15,000 troops from the 1st Armored Division
and hundreds of military police will soon be arriving in Baghdad
in an effort to control "a serious law-and-order problem."
Many members of Congress have expressed irritation at what
they view as a lack of accountability and responsiveness by
the Bush administration to questions about Iraq, both before
and after the war.
Michael Corleone, after carefully mapping strategy and
gunning down the heads of all the families in one fell swoop
on the same day, immediately put his aftermath plan of complete
control into action without ever having to go back to the
In keeping with the party tradition, instead of embracing
the country's workers, the GOP continues to attempt to crush
organized labor. After a recent meeting in Florida between
labor leaders and Labor Secretary Elaine Chao, AFL-CIO President
John Sweeney said following the meeting, according to press
reports. "She was angry at points. She was insulting at points...In
all my years...I have never seen a secretary of labor who's
The Mafia understands the importance of the blue collar
worker, even if the feeling may not be mutual.
6. HONESTY IN THEIR BIGOTED DYSFUNCTION
When Republican Senator Rick Santorum announced "I
have a problem with homosexual acts" and went on to link
homosexuality with bigamy, adultery, incest and pedophilia,
the White House jumped through hoops to issue a convoluted
statement that Santorum was indeed doing a good job and is
"an inclusive man."
When the Mob discovered that John "Johnny Boy" D'Amato,
Capo of the biggest family in New Jersey, was enjoying engaging
in homosexual acts, he was capped. Instead of issuing a denial,
an informer for the family shrugged and openly admitted what
everyone knew anyway - they are not a party of inclusion.
"Nobody's gonna respect us if we have a gay homosexual boss
sitting down discussing La Cosa Nostra business."
7. HOLLYWOOD (or Cut Off Your Nose To Spite Your Face)
Even before the day Dan Quayle dissed Murphy Brown, prior
to them mounting their own B-movie actor for Capo Di Tutti
Capi, and before Joe McCarthy took out his red pen, Republicans
have despised Hollywood. Citing liberal sexuality in film
(except for Bo Derek in "10"), abject cinema violence
(except for all Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis offerings),
and gruesome horror flicks (except for Charlton Heston in
"The Omega Man") Republicans are constantly on the
look out for a reason to trash celebrities. Recent actor-activists
have become a target for the GOP, gleeful to brand them un-American
The Mafia knows which side of the bread the butter is
on and understands how to utilize an international public
relations asset. Case in point: Brando, DeNiro, Pacino, Nicholson,
and Gandofini have all taken the screen Mafioso to a level
of steely strength and seething sexuality. The next film character
written as a Republican romantic lead will probably be played
by Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
8. DRESS CODE
During a recent speech by President Bush in Indianapolis
covering how his tax cut plan will assist all Americans and
not just the wealthy, male Republican VIP audience members
positioned behind Bush for photo-ops were instructed to remove
their neckties in an effort to make VIPs appear more like
The Mafia dress code never changes for photo-ops, it's
a uniform designed to always project the same image and Caporegimes
would never be asked (nor would they agree) to deviate from
the custom made suit with razor sharp trouser creases, handmade
shirt, silk socks, imported shoes and never any errant pieces
of lint in evidence. They're proud to make themselves known.
If the Mafia required a "regular guy" audience,
they would merely fill the seats with soldiers (buttons) clad
in their daily street attire of Banlon shirts, polyester pants
and white socks.
9. IT'S ONLY BUSINESS
The Republicans originally pooh-poohed any possible "substantial"
collateral damage in their most recent war, but vowed to do
their best to avoid it. At present, the civilian death toll
in Iraq is hovering over 3770, and looters continue to ravage
the city and untold amounts of irreplaceable ancient artifacts.
When mob kingpin Francis P. ''Cadillac Frank'' Salemme
was shot in front of the International House of Pancakes in
Saugus, Massachusetts, he gallantly drew fire away from the
restaurant to protect the women and children eating inside.
After all, it was only business.
While the parties and the courts began the exhausting
battle of counting and/or discounting votes for the country's
new gang boss in the 2000 election, Dubya's younger brother
Jeb Bush, already riding roughshod across the state of Florida,
was happy to jump into the national fray. As the sworn governor
of the southern state and responsible for all of its constituents,
he readily announced to the national press "I did everything
I could to help my brother win."
The Mafia would not allow such a blatant admission of
involvement in a monumental coup de tat. For breaking
the Omertβ - the law of silence - would have been permanently
relegated to an even more aquatic environment than Florida.
Ditto Geraldo Rivera.
11. SWING VOTE
No need to recap here. Election 2000. Republicans. Supreme
Court. You know the deal by now.
The Mafia would have... yeah... the Mafia would
have. That was actually a pretty damn good Mafia move.
The Mafia had Tom Hagen, a quiet, low key college graduate
who, almost invisibly, serviced only one client - the Corleone
The GOP has Dick Cheney, a quiet low key college graduate
who, almost invisibly, services only one client - the Halliburton
And finally, the most important tool in a mounting a successful
enterprise such as organized crime. Who's gonna represent
The Mafia has allegedly been represented by such notable
members and friends as the impeccably dressed Dapper Don John
Gotti, the devastatingly handsome Bugsy Siegel, Las Vegas
and even Ol' Blue Eyes himself.
The GOP has Ted Nugent, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and
Trent Lott. That's one big epidemic of cat scratch fever.
So there you have it. Is the Republican Party a secret society
set up to undermine political democracy of the majority and
implement the will of a minority? Yes, absolutely. Do they,
however, meet the requirements to upgrade to their very own
Family? Sadly for them, no. They are destined to remain just
another crew of Mafia wannabes.