Has 15,000 Reasons Why Iraq is Not in the Midst of Anarchy
May 16, 2003
By Jeremy B. Cairns
sure by now all of you have come to the same conclusion as
me: Donald Rumsfeld is certifiably insane.
As everyone in my beautiful home town of Seattle cheered
the 5000 sailors floating back from "The Big Lie"
on the Abe Lincoln (scene of Top Bum) the sailors have just
sat down in their La-Z-Boys to soak up a good back patting
from Faux news. Until, that is, they find out that Donny is
sending 15,000 more of their patriot brothers and sisters
to Iraq because Baghdad is so - I'd say "excuse my French",
but since French is banned - "freedomed" up.
Now, in a rare slip of the truth the White House has said
"WE HAVE (not) FOUND WMD IN IRAQ AND WE WILL (never)
FIND WMD IN IRAQ!" This means they are now turning to
domestic issues. Unfortunately those domestic issues happen
to be in Iraq... again.
"The characterization of anarchy is not accurate - it's
a headline writer's phrase." - Donald Rumsfeld, 5/15/03
One would think that shooting protestors for throwing rocks
would be one deterrent to the Iraqis and would snap them into
more of an American state of mind. Things like shooting citizens
don't happen when the situation is under control and there
is a big political 'love in' in Baghdad like we are led to
believe. Instead the whole situation has just made a few million
Iraqi citizens bitter. And we all know very well what a few
bitter Middle Eastern people can achieve.
"We've had people shot, wounded and killed in the last
48 hours in Baghdad." - Donald Rumsfeld, 5/15/03
Of course, if I were Republican and Rummy were a Dem I would
leave that quote as is, but since I am a Democrat and Donald
is a megalomaniacal nut job, I will tell you that the quote
is not referring to the Americans doing the murdering this
time. It's being done by those horrible looters and terrorists,
aka, starving citizens struggling to survive who choose not
to accept Jesus as their personal savior in order to feed
So, I ask, what will 15,000 more troops do to keep the order
in Iraq? It will turn the bomb lobbing and bullet spitting
liberators into what they have always said they weren't; an
occupation force. What do occupation forces do other than
start softball teams and shoot lizards from their speeding
Hummers, all to a Toby Keith soundtrack? They build military
bases. Military bases that house all kinds of things like
troops, trucks, missiles, bigger missiles, and lots of equipment
to build oil refineries and more military bases. Why does
the United States need military bases in Saudi Arabia where
they hate Americans, when the U.S. can build military bases
in Iraq where the population can be forced to like Americans?
It's pretty obvious that if you protest against the U.S. over
there you have a good chance of dying or becoming an "enemy
combatant," where you're promptly imprisoned. Thank goodness
Saddam is gone huh?
These 15,000 troops get combat pay - since the war isn't
actually over, because under the Geneva Convention that would
mean the U.S. would have to free the POWs and stop searching
for all of those faces on those idiotic novelty card decks
that were handed out. These payments increase the cost of
the war substantially, but it is a drop in the bucket compared
to how much it will take to end the occupation forty or fifty
years from now. (see: Germany, Japan, South Korea, Panama,
Philippines, Virgin Islands...)
Iraq in the future (i.e. tomorrow) is worse than yesterday.
Donald Rumsfeld has assured his minions (i.e. patriotic Americans)
that Baghdad is up to between two-thirds and three-fourhts
contained. This means that when all of the ne'er-do-wells
and miscreants (i.e. future terrorists) are pushed out, Baghdad
(i.e. Bushipotamia) will be 100% contained only leaving 99%
of Iraq to still be contained beyond the urban areas. Luckily,
urban areas aren't contaminated with depleted uranium. Who
needs night vision goggles when the "enemy combatants"
glow in the dark?
In the future Iraq will be a staging point for a war. Maybe
on Iran, or Syria, or Lebanon, or even Pakistan. Since Operation
(insert country) Freedom has been used, the next war could
be called Operation Kitties and Lollipops, because that's
about as close to "Iraqi freedom" as the last operation
got with thousands of POWs still in captivity and hundreds
of thousands of citizens penniless, unemployed, sick, or homeless.
Now that's freedom!
The future of Iraq is much brighter than the future of Afghanistan.
The future of Iraq is a new beginning since they have now
been stripped and looted of their past. The future of Iraq
includes less oil in the ground, more English-speaking people
in the streets, and lots of short-stringed Iraqi politicians.
How can we surmise these revelations? Because so far almost
everything the current administration has told us has turned
out the exact opposite of what they have said. Not an occupation
force? That means you pull people out, not send more in. Out
in 3 years? Don't count on it, it's been almost two years
in Afghaistan and the Taliban have taken back sections of
the country with the help of the warlords who cropped up during
the "writer's phrase-anarchy" that happened after
the U.S. flattened that country. Free elections? Well,
most of the local politicians have been placed by the U.S.
government so far and a large number of them were Ba'ath party
members. Too bad there are only 52 cards in a deck so that
they couldn't include all of the Saddam supporters. WMDs?
No. A clear connection to Al Qaeda? No. A sincere desire to
help the Iraqi people? Not with Halliburton and Bechtel stripping
them of their only tool of global survival.
There are 15,000 more Americans going to Iraq to keep the
peace because it is anarchy beyond what the small occupation
force is containing in sections of the urban areas. They're
doing it under an iron fist full of wheat-flavored bibles.
15,000 more reasons for the Iraqis to hate the U.S. 15,000
more expensive peace makers, but not for freedom or liberation
from tyranny, but for containment and submission.
And that's what you get when you let the insane run things.
I would like to say, "Donald Rumsfeld, go to hell!"
but I know the chances of him setting foot in Iraq again are
Except, of course, to sell them more WMDs.
Jeremy B. Cairns is a freelance comedy writer who has written
for Comedy Central, ESPN, CNN and numerous television commercials
for various other networks. He has published numerous political
cartoons in newspapers around the country and is now dedicating
all of his time to making sure the current administration
stops destroying the United States and selling it off piece
by piece to corporations by working for various campaigns
and the Democratic Party.