From the Living Room
April 16, 2003
By Dr. Dragon
Let's pretend I have been buying into everything coming out
of Washington. Here I am, sitting in my living room watching
my TV, waiting to be informed.
I am told that Osama Bin Laden is responsible for September
11th. Bin Laden denies this, which is rather "un-terrorist"
of him, but maybe he didn't get a memo or something. It doesn't
matter because soon we find out that he is making video tapes
claiming he did do it.
Then I hear how all the terrorists are hiding out in Afghanistan,
so we have to go attack them. But I thought that most of the
terrorists were Saudis? Well, that's too much independent
thought for me. I can almost see the jubilant Afghans celebrating
their liberation from the tyrannical Taliban! They have no
freedom, right? Well our boys shoot freedom and poop out beautiful
flowers and delicious candy wherever they go. So it's off
It's fast too, thanks to the gentle, democratic Pakistanis,
a model to all freedom loving people everywhere. I watch every
day as our daisy-cutters and bunker-busters are dropped on
the mountainous country. Mountains that, no doubt, serve no
purpose but to hide evil. The valleys hold only Taliban warlords
I am sure - they just look like shepherds.
Now, with the smoking ruins of Afghanistan behind us, we
turn our sights to the outrage going on at the U.N.
Didn't they notice they were being ignored by the arrogant
Iraqi dictator, Saddam? Yeah, you tell 'em Mr. Powell. How
can the world stand by and allow that to go on? Don't they
know he sponsors terrorism? Can't you see he helped pull off
September 11th? Huh? Wha...?
Wait. Okay, so maybe I misunderstood the whole Afghanistan
thing. That's okay, those people are better off now. Yeah,
I bet they go to sleep every night just wishing they could
thank each and every one of us personally. In their own special
So now that we have gotten to the bottom of the September
11th thing we should expect the rest of the world to want
us to get our proper revenge. But nooooo. They want inspectors.
Harumph! Very well, they can have a couple of months. We even
give them some information about where they are definitely
hiding the notorious weapons of mass destruction (you know,
the ones that they're going to be selling to the terrorists
that they love and that love them).
But can they find them? Of course not. Must we do everything
ourselves? Can't they see that truck? The one outside the
building? When do you ever see something like that? That's
right out of movies where terrorists are up to no good.
So troops begin landing in the Middle East. That's the only
language these people understand (at least until they speak
with the loving lilt of the kindly Kuwaiti royal family, who
so graciously allow us to park our tanks there). Saddam sees
this and immediately begins destroying some missiles he said
he didn't have. Big mistake. Now we can't believe him. So
we have to get those terrorists and those WMDs before they
get to our shores. Luckily there are enough of our freedom-flower-shootin'
and candy-poopin' marines there to go get them.
The war is too fast though and somehow, as we steamrolled
over Saddam's world-threatening army, we forgot to look for
terrorists and WMDs. I guess giving people freedom is just
such a rush. Anyway some newly-free Iraqis took advantage
of being their liberation and took in some culture at the
museum. As a matter of fact they took home some of that culture.
Now we have these Iraqis clamoring for order. What do they
want? Are we the world's police force? Huh? Do they want freedom
Well we have to get the oil fields in order. They don't want
another ecological disaster on their hands. Lord know they
will have enough of that, earning money by cleaning up the
depleted uranium shells of freedom.
So now that the war has died down we can start looking for
those pesky WMDs, right? Let's look really carefully and maybe
we won't have to…
Did you hear that Syria might be hiding them?