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View From the Living Room
April 16, 2003
By Dr. Dragon

Let's pretend I have been buying into everything coming out of Washington. Here I am, sitting in my living room watching my TV, waiting to be informed.

I am told that Osama Bin Laden is responsible for September 11th. Bin Laden denies this, which is rather "un-terrorist" of him, but maybe he didn't get a memo or something. It doesn't matter because soon we find out that he is making video tapes claiming he did do it.

Then I hear how all the terrorists are hiding out in Afghanistan, so we have to go attack them. But I thought that most of the terrorists were Saudis? Well, that's too much independent thought for me. I can almost see the jubilant Afghans celebrating their liberation from the tyrannical Taliban! They have no freedom, right? Well our boys shoot freedom and poop out beautiful flowers and delicious candy wherever they go. So it's off to Afghanistan.

It's fast too, thanks to the gentle, democratic Pakistanis, a model to all freedom loving people everywhere. I watch every day as our daisy-cutters and bunker-busters are dropped on the mountainous country. Mountains that, no doubt, serve no purpose but to hide evil. The valleys hold only Taliban warlords I am sure - they just look like shepherds.

Now, with the smoking ruins of Afghanistan behind us, we turn our sights to the outrage going on at the U.N.

Didn't they notice they were being ignored by the arrogant Iraqi dictator, Saddam? Yeah, you tell 'em Mr. Powell. How can the world stand by and allow that to go on? Don't they know he sponsors terrorism? Can't you see he helped pull off September 11th? Huh? Wha...?

Wait. Okay, so maybe I misunderstood the whole Afghanistan thing. That's okay, those people are better off now. Yeah, I bet they go to sleep every night just wishing they could thank each and every one of us personally. In their own special way.

So now that we have gotten to the bottom of the September 11th thing we should expect the rest of the world to want us to get our proper revenge. But nooooo. They want inspectors. Harumph! Very well, they can have a couple of months. We even give them some information about where they are definitely hiding the notorious weapons of mass destruction (you know, the ones that they're going to be selling to the terrorists that they love and that love them).

But can they find them? Of course not. Must we do everything ourselves? Can't they see that truck? The one outside the building? When do you ever see something like that? That's right out of movies where terrorists are up to no good.

So troops begin landing in the Middle East. That's the only language these people understand (at least until they speak with the loving lilt of the kindly Kuwaiti royal family, who so graciously allow us to park our tanks there). Saddam sees this and immediately begins destroying some missiles he said he didn't have. Big mistake. Now we can't believe him. So we have to get those terrorists and those WMDs before they get to our shores. Luckily there are enough of our freedom-flower-shootin' and candy-poopin' marines there to go get them.

The war is too fast though and somehow, as we steamrolled over Saddam's world-threatening army, we forgot to look for terrorists and WMDs. I guess giving people freedom is just such a rush. Anyway some newly-free Iraqis took advantage of being their liberation and took in some culture at the museum. As a matter of fact they took home some of that culture.

Now we have these Iraqis clamoring for order. What do they want? Are we the world's police force? Huh? Do they want freedom and order?

Well we have to get the oil fields in order. They don't want another ecological disaster on their hands. Lord know they will have enough of that, earning money by cleaning up the depleted uranium shells of freedom.

So now that the war has died down we can start looking for those pesky WMDs, right? Let's look really carefully and maybe we won't have to…

Did you hear that Syria might be hiding them?

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