April 10, 2003
By Ed Hanratty
To the surprise of nobody, Baghdad has fallen. We're seeing
people dancing in the streets and pulling down statues and
all that fun stuff. Good for them. On one hand, it's great
to know that Saddam Hussein is no longer in control of Iraq.
But more importantly to the average Joe, it's great to know
that the world's second largest oil supply is now in the hands
of the American government, because, as we always do, we're
going to say you owe us this for your liberation.
That my friends, is why we found it so necessary to "liberate"
Iraq. That is why we have no plans to liberate Nigeria. That
is why we won't be liberating the Sudanese or Cubans or North
Koreans. Let's not let our selected officials treat us like
fools. This is was never about liberation. Not at all.
I'm not writing as a "sore loser". Nobody doubted that this
was going to happen. We all knew Baghdad was going to fall.
The last thing I wanted to see was American soldiers coming
home in boxes, although, if there's going to be a casualty
in a war, I'd much rather see it be one in a uniform as opposed
to one in a hospital bed.
So what now George? Where are you going to send our boys
and girls now? What kind of threat are you going to make up
now? Who else are you going to try and connect to our nation's
worst day? More importantly, what are you going to do for
the Iraqi people? Take their oil to pay for this liberation?
Let them have democratic elections? Then what? They elect
a radical Islamic fundamentalist that hates us. Then what
are you and your Neanderthal cold-warriors going to do? Gonna
change his regime too? What happens when the new regime doesn't
like you George? What happens then?
And when can the people of Nigeria and the Sudan expect their
liberation? I'm sure they'd love to know. And when are you
going to actually go after bin Laden, the long-time Bush family
friend that also happened to attack us? What about North Korea?
It's time to be accountable George, because this comes as
no surprise. Try as we might have to "liberate" the minds
of the American drones, to shift "popular" opinion away from
wars of aggression, we knew this was coming. So congratulations.
This has to be as gratifying as watching the New York Yankees
dismantle Chuck's Auto-Body little league team.
Or, here's a noble thought George. Why don't you stop playing
Ghengis Khan for a second, and worry about the homefront.
We know that silently you're praying for another terrorist
attack, because come on now, look at the approval ratings
you'd get. Plus, it will give you another free pass to "shock
and awe" the nation of your choice.
But do you have to be so obvious about it? I mean, it's one
thing to campaign for and pass your "Homeland Security Bill",
but it's another thing to under-fund it, or in some cities,
not fund it at all. You accused Max Cleland, a Vietnam Veteran
and triple amputee of being "unpatriotic" because he demanded
to know how this bill was going to be funded. As Senator Kerry
said, shame on you for that one.
You fell asleep on 9-11, you tried to blame your predecessor,
but we all know that it was his NSA Team that told yours to
worry about Al Qaeda and stop trying to play "Return of the
Jedi" with the Chinese.
Hey George, ask daddy about what the Americans think about
the economy when compared to foreign policy. You really are
a clone, aren't you? Lets bomb brown people for sport, lets
cut the taxes of only the rich, and let's forget about the
rest of the people. They're stupid, they'll buy their flags,
put their yellow ribbons up, and chant "USA, USA" at hockey
games. And you know what George? You're right, to a certain
Many Americans lack the self-esteem and self-confidence to
stand up for themselves, or stand aside from the crowd. It's
why we have fraternities, sororities, lodges, country clubs
and book clubs. We need validation. We're not sure of ourselves.
We lockstep right behind the person in front of us. That's
why you see bumper stickers that say "Love it or Leave It"
or "These Colors Don't Run". That's why we have the Ku Klux
The majority of the public just can't stand being alone.
American society has a collective "penis envy" - we need our
SUVs bigger, our guns more precise, our value meals super-sized,
our bombs stronger, and our enemies weak and diminished.
But there's one thing that Americans care about more than
their tanks and their guns and their Whoppers and their bunker-busters
George. And that's their wallet. Daddy found out the hard
way. You will too.