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Bush Gives Iraqis 48 Hours to Dance in Streets
April 1, 2003
By Mike McArdle

New York Times
Bush Gives Iraqis 48 Hours to Dance in Streets
By Alex Byrdman

President Bush, evidently growing impatient with the pace of the Iraqi liberation and the attitude of the Iraqi citizens, has issued a new ultimatum, only this time it's to the Iraqi people themselves.

"I'm a patient man" said the President at a hastily called news conference, "but there are limits to my patience. We've been bombing the daylights out of these people for a more than week and I haven't seen a single one of them dancing in the streets to celebrate their liberation."

"We have pursued the liberation of Iraq at great cost to America in terms of lives and treasure and as yet the Iraqi people have thus far refused to welcome us in the manner that Richard Perle and William Kristol have assured me that they would. We've shocked. We've awed. We've knocked down their buildings and blown up those little marketplaces that they shop in. We've even tried a decapitation. We done the things that all good liberators do and not only have these ungrateful people refused to overthrow Saddam they haven't danced, they haven't put any rose petals in the streets. Nothing. In fact they've even been shooting back at us and thus further delaying the hour of their liberation. I don't know what else we could have done to win these people over but the time for patience is running out. I'm tired of trying to win the hearts and minds of people who refuse to see that a ten year occupation by the infidel is a good deal for them, for their children and for a sizable number of American corporations."

"In view of these circumstances I feel that I have no choice but to tell the Iraqi people that they must dance in the streets and express their jubilant gratitude to me and our troops within 48 hours or face the most serious of consequences. I have ordered a mass air drop into the city of Baghdad. We will be supplying little American flags for the people to wave, flowers to throw at our soldiers, and for those whose dancing skills are rusty after years of Saddam's oppression we are dropping dance videos in both VHS and DVD format. Those who have no electricity due to the bombing can share a video with someone who does. But there will be dancing and there will be celebration in Baghdad or there will be a high price to pay. I've said from the start that the Iraqi people are not our enemy but now the choice is theirs. They either dance or they've seen the last of Mr. Nice Guy. God picked me to be the liberator of the Iraqis and He wants to see some dancing."

The President allowed no questions but several of the stunned reporters said that they heard him mutter "level the place" under his breath as he left the podium. At his regular press briefing later in the day Ari Fleischer said that the President has been under a good deal of stress since the start of the war and may need to visit his ranch in Crawford, Texas to deal with an emergency buildup of brush. When asked by Helen Thomas whether the President was feeling underappreciated Fleischer said that despite rejections by Frenchmen, Germans, Russians and now Iraqis the President was holding up well and would be personally supervising the flag, flower and video drop which would be commencing within the hour.

 

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