Shock and… Awwww, It's Not Working
March 28, 2003
By Phil Lebovits

The plan was simple. The plan was called "shock and awe."

The plan isn't working.

A tried and true dictum of war is "The enemy of my enemy is my friend." In fact, it seems U.S. plans were predicated on the assumption that angry and repressed Shiites in the South would rise up against Saddam's regime and greet American liberators with big bowls of tabouli and hummus.

But in the arcane world of Middle East politics, another dictum has emerged: "The enemy of my enemy is my friend, unless that enemy poses a greater threat to my livelihood than the previous enemy."

As "coalition" forces face many more weeks of fighting against non-joyous Iraqis, Pentagon planners may replace shock and awe with the following:

• Shock and Claw. Under this plan, American troops will claw their way to Baghdad with the speed of a two-legged camel. By doing so, CNN and MSNBC can be assured of something meaningful to broadcast over the summer.

• Shock and Omega Tau. Using highly-trained fraternity boys from our most prestigious colleges, we'll teach liberated Iraqis how to drink in excess, vomit on holy sites and panty-raid the fair ladies of Basra and Karbala.

• Shock and LA Law. Under this scenario, Iraqis will be deluged day and night with reruns of this once-popular drama. These Republican Guards may not fold when exposed to constant shelling, but how well can they hold up under a constant barrage of Corbin Bernsen and Jill Eikenberry?

• Shock and Slaw (for American consumption only). Using precision Tomahawk missiles dipped in cole slaw, the Pentagon hopes to send a convincing message to the public that this war, despite a few minor setbacks, is actually a picnic.

• Shock and Guffaw. The idea here is not only to surprise the enemy with overwhelming firepower, but to laugh at them while we bomb them. Nothing is more humiliating to an enemy than mocking and teasing. To this end, military planners have already contacted Howard Stern.

• Shock and Hee Haw. This plan is reportedly causing a good deal of infighting between the Joint Chiefs of Staff and Donald Rumsfeld. The idea is controversial: send Roy Clark and Buck Owens deep into Iraqi territory with their guitars, while scantily-clad hillbilly babes distract enemy troops with their large busoms.

Should any or all these plans prove ineffective, the military may draw upon a time-tested strategy. It's called "Vietnam."