andů Awwww, It's Not Working
March 28, 2003
By Phil Lebovits
The plan was simple. The plan was called "shock and
The plan isn't working.
A tried and true dictum of war is "The enemy of my
enemy is my friend." In fact, it seems U.S. plans were
predicated on the assumption that angry and repressed Shiites
in the South would rise up against Saddam's regime and greet
American liberators with big bowls of tabouli and hummus.
But in the arcane world of Middle East politics, another
dictum has emerged: "The enemy of my enemy is my friend,
unless that enemy poses a greater threat to my livelihood
than the previous enemy."
As "coalition" forces face many more weeks of
fighting against non-joyous Iraqis, Pentagon planners may
replace shock and awe with the following:
Shock and Claw. Under this plan, American
troops will claw their way to Baghdad with the speed of a
two-legged camel. By doing so, CNN and MSNBC can be assured
of something meaningful to broadcast over the summer.
Shock and Omega Tau. Using highly-trained
fraternity boys from our most prestigious colleges, we'll
teach liberated Iraqis how to drink in excess, vomit on holy
sites and panty-raid the fair ladies of Basra and Karbala.
Shock and LA Law. Under this scenario, Iraqis
will be deluged day and night with reruns of this once-popular
drama. These Republican Guards may not fold when exposed to
constant shelling, but how well can they hold up under a constant
barrage of Corbin Bernsen and Jill Eikenberry?
Shock and Slaw (for American consumption only).
Using precision Tomahawk missiles dipped in cole slaw, the
Pentagon hopes to send a convincing message to the public
that this war, despite a few minor setbacks, is actually a
Shock and Guffaw. The idea here is not only
to surprise the enemy with overwhelming firepower, but to
laugh at them while we bomb them. Nothing is more humiliating
to an enemy than mocking and teasing. To this end, military
planners have already contacted Howard Stern.
Shock and Hee Haw. This plan is reportedly
causing a good deal of infighting between the Joint Chiefs
of Staff and Donald Rumsfeld. The idea is controversial: send
Roy Clark and Buck Owens deep into Iraqi territory with their
guitars, while scantily-clad hillbilly babes distract enemy
troops with their large busoms.
Should any or all these plans prove ineffective, the military
may draw upon a time-tested strategy. It's called "Vietnam."