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George W. President Addresses the Nation
March 27, 2003
By Bill Christina

Dear Uneasy American,

As President during these difficult times, I’d like to offer you some reassurance about some of the military reform we are offering the terrorist government of Iraq. Saddam Hussein must be neutralized for the safety of the citizens of America and others around the world. It was truly a difficult decision to start this war. Once we made up our minds during the heat of the hot summer, it took every ounce of our blind determination to make it happen. As angry nations around the world looked on, we had to make the case to the American people, looking past the absence of hard facts, forged intelligence documents and the constant outcry of the United Nations. But we held tight. And we did it.

Rest assured, your government is doing everything it can to protect you. Notice the Code Orange. This should help you plan your day. In hindsight, we realize that the duct tape solution might not do the trick, but at least you’re on notice. The fact remains, terror is everywhere and we must stop it before it strikes again, even if we have to blow up each and every country to do it.

And for those countries who won’t go along with us—and there are many—we will remember. Take France, for instance. The United States government has already taken steps in cafeterias across America to make sure that no French Fries are served. Freedom Fries now grace the menu. Some countries think it’s funny or silly that grown men in the government would do this, but they should know we take this very, very seriously. What you didn’t know is that when Turkey denied us use of their military bases, we were going to rename turkey, too. Unfortunately, we still need their airspace. Make no mistake, we will rename every food in America if we have to.

I know you’re concerned about innocent civilians getting killed in the bombing. The military has minimized this in many ways. How? Precision Bombing (not to mention a Texas-size portion of political spin.) GPS, laser guidance and high tech intelligence will help us “lock on” to targets and destroy them. Granted, hundreds and hundreds of daily inspections couldn’t actually locate any of the Weapons of Mass Destruction that we know are there, but wherever we do guess the WMD’s are, the bombs will hit the exact possible stockpile. And if we guess enough times, eventually we will, in fact, be right. It just doesn’t get any more precise than that.

This whole thing is about safety—your safety. Don’t be worried about the death toll of the Iraqi people. We like to refer to this problem as “collateral damage,” and it is the willing sacrifice of the Iraqi people who seek to be liberated, even if thousands are maimed or killed in the process. Think of it this way: those who live will be safer! Trust us on this. America has Iraq surrounded, and 3-5000 bombs might seem like overkill to you, but our patience has been tested much too long to give this thing a chance to collapse on its own. Remember, it's not murder if you kill people in the interest of world peace and liberation.

If you are a sensitive American and get disturbed about the thought of a loving mother in Iraq being killed in front of her son, or a baby dying of burns, just keep focused on your television. That should take the edge off the horrors of war and keep you more comfortable. The images are safe, sanitized and exciting. Just watch for a while and you’ll see why the military technology is the hottest topic at the water fountain. Even those who are against the war would have to admit that the camera work is amazing! It looks even more real than computer games, except that you don’t actually see the people getting blown-up or dismembered. It almost looks like all those buildings we are destroying have been evacuated before we send the missiles in.

Have faith and stick with it because this war should be quick, and despite some initial worries, it shouldn’t really affect the March Madness basketball schedule one bit. We’ll be in and out before you know it. We are prepared to do what it takes to get that Iraqi oil flowing and the people back on the oil fields in no time. You want to talk about preparation? Months ago, the United States started giving Vice President Cheney’s ex-employer, Halliburton, contracts to rebuild Iraq. After all, they helped make it what it is today. They sold Iraq more equipment than anyone on the planet to help it generate billions in revenue while it was a terrorist nation. Now, they’ve agreed to do it again even if Iraq is no longer a terrorist nation. Just took a little arm-twisting and a few million more taxpayer dollars.

And it doesn’t stop there. We have already begun behind-the-scenes planning for other terrorist nations who represent a threat—real or perceived, makes no difference. Soon, I will be sending Donald Rumsfeld over to North Korea to try and buy back 2 nuclear reactors. Let’s hope they don’t work as well as advertised! From there, we will move on to Iran and any other nation that harbors even a hint of a terrorist notion. America will not just stand idly by. I’ll say it once again, “You’re either with us or against us.”

I hope this helps to set your mind at ease. Remember, God is on your side. …unless you’re one of those anti-war people, that is.

With Reassurance,

George W. President

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