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New
Studies Show Presidency is Hereditary
March 13, 2003
By Alasdair Bates
Research done by scientists at the University of Cambridge
(England), has shown that Presidency, like Haemophilia and
HIV, is passed down from parents to children.
The subject, referred to as "George" in the paper, showed
strong evidence that he had inherited Presidency from his
father. This contradicts earlier studies, which suggested
that the affliction is contracted from close contact with
politics.
Professor Oliver Gunns, who led the research, reported that
the findings were "highly satisfactory" and that George had
been "highly co-operative, almost unashamed of his Presidency."
Until the 1970's such talk would have been laughed down in
academic circles and only a few brave souls would have dared
mention it out loud. However, with the outburst of free thinking
in the late 1960's many researchers began to wonder why no
women or black people had contracted Presidency, and some
radical thinkers began to question the foundation of this
belief.
It had previously been thought that inherited Leadership
diseases had largely died out, surviving only in small pockets
such as Great Britain, and conditions in the USA were unsuitable
for the disease to flourish.
First diagnosed in the late 18th century, it has remained
very rare. A large number of others have developed a milder
strain of the disorder, and formed a self-help group which
they call the Republican Party.
Presidency has so far occurred only in the wealthier areas
of the country, and women and Afro-Americans have never been
known to contract it. We've provided a list below of the most
common symptoms, so you can diagnose any friends or relatives
who you suspect may be suffering from this terrible disease:
• Delusions of grandeur
• Megalomania
• Directionless aggression towards neighbours
• Threatening and bullying behaviour
• Irrationally held beliefs and convictions
"George" also exhibited symptoms of dyslexia and severe
bouts of living in Texas.
If a friend of yours is suffering from Presidency, refer
them to a hospital immediately. Be aware that sufferers often
nurture a bizarre attachment to their disease, and may persuade
others to help them continue their behaviour. In the study,
"George" and his father even managed to gain court backing
in order to allow his Presidency to progress to a later stage.
The common treatment is a lengthy course of impeachment,
although in urgent cases the doctor may prescribe a violent
revolution. By far the safest course is to halt his disease
midway through its course by carefully avoiding ballot boxes.
With your help, George and others like him may be able to
return to a normal, happy and non-Presidential life.
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