March 4, 2003
By Kerry Tomasi
I've invented a "Truth Ray". No really, I have. I've been
working on it for over a year now.
It's invisible, relatively harmless (as harmless as truth
can be), and at the touch of a button, renders the person
it's directed at incapable of obfuscation - not telling it
like it is.
I first tested it on my sweet, always complimentary wife.
While pointing the ray - hidden in a ballpoint pen - toward
her, I asked if she thought I was still as smart and clever
as I was when we first met?
She began to answer (ZAP), hesitated for just a moment, then
calmly replied - "Actually, I never thought you were
very smart or clever."
"It works!" I exclaimed, as a tear of joy filled my eye.
I resolved to put my ray to good use. Having become extremely
wary of what the corporate (i.e. - Republican controlled)
media was pushing recently, I decided to hit the streets and
get my own candid take on our current state of affairs.
I just couldn't bring myself to believe that so many were
actually supportive of George W.'s manic 'Iraq attack' compulsion.
So I went to a pro-war rally to find out first hand what people
were really thinking and why.
Here's how it went:
Pardon me sir, can you tell me why you support the Bush
administration's invasion of Iraq?
"Yes I can. It's about freedom and love of our fellow human
beings. It's about eliminating this evildoer Hussein before
he eliminates us. It's about standing up to the most serious
threat to democracy the world has ever seen! It's about (ZAP)…
well… You know, I make a lot of money. Consequently I pay
a lot in taxes. I also contribute heavily to the Republican
Party. In return, Bush has kept his promise and given me enormous
tax cuts. So I figure if the Republicans can just maintain
control long enough, my tax liability may very well drop to
practically nothing. And it appears the only way they'll hold
onto that power come 2004 is through war-induced fear. Well,
there's also the electronic voting option, but I don't think
they'll need to resort to that if we're in a full-blown war.
Or better yet, multiple wars! It wouldn't hurt to have a strategic
terrorist attack or two either."
How about you miss?
"Saddam has gassed his own people! We must do something to
(ZAP)…to… I'm a pro-life Christian. If Bush is reelected,
he'll get complete control of the judiciary. At that point
Roe V. Wade - thank God - is finished. We'll also see a complete
dismantling of the separation between church and state, paving
the way for prayer and Bible study in the public schools,
the complete elimination of the secular science curriculum,
and taxpayer funded religion. I support this invasion because
there's nothing like having a million US troops engaged in
combat - many coming home in body bags - to get people to
rally around the flag, and our commander-in-chief, in 2004."
Mind telling me why you back this war?
"Not at all. We simply cannot allow Iraq to just thumb it's
nose at world opinion (ZAP)… I'm heavily invested in defense
industry and pharmaceutical stocks. I stand to make a fortune
if this thing gets out of hand."
Folks, why do you support this preemptive attack?
"Iraq has weapons of mass destruction poised to destroy (ZAP)…
We don't make a lot of money. As a result we don't pay a lot
in taxes. Still, we're looking at a savings of about $85 next
year if President Bush's tax cuts go through. So we feel we
owe him our total allegiance in anything he does. Besides,
I hear the overall casualty rate will be no more than a hundred
thousand or so anyway."
And you sir?
"Osaddam bin Husseiden's attack on the World Trade Center
was (ZAP)… The way I see it, this invasion and occupation
of Iraq will accomplish two things. First it will trigger
a wave of terrorist attacks unparalleled in human history.
911 will look like a church picnic compared to what will be
coming our way for the foreseeable future. Coupled with Bush's
economic policies, it will also completely bankrupt our economy,
and trigger an unprecedented crime wave. The resulting trauma
experienced by millions in this country, and billions around
the world, will give people no other choice but to turn to
God. So I support our President, and his divine mission, 100%!
It's all in the Book of Revelations. You can look it up yourself."
Why do you support this war?
"Appeasement of evildoers never (ZAP)… Rush Limbaugh told
How about you?
"Saddam has personally tortured (ZAP)…No one is going to
get my guns! Don't even think about it. Especially now, with
the Bush administration attempting to establish what can only
be described as a totalitarian police state in this country.
With the Homeland Security Act, the Patriot Act, and the upcoming
Patriot Act II, the people of this nation need to embrace
their 2nd Amendment rights now more than ever! That's why
I stand with Bush & Co. no matter what he… Hey, wait a minute.
What am I saying?!"
Well, there you have it, straight from the mouths of several
Bush supporters. The way it really is. At least now that 60%
approval rating makes some kind of sense to me.
Too bad I can't share this information with the Iraqi people.
They have got to be in a state of dumbfounded bewilderment
at why we're exhibiting such enthusiasm to have so many of
Then again, maybe it's better they don't know.