Offers Proof of Saddam-Osama Link
February 7, 2003
By Gil Christner
NATIONS - Secretary of State Colin Powell today offered incontrovertible
proof of the long-sought-after link between Saddam Hussein's
Regime and the al Qaeda Terrorist Network.
In a speech before the General Assembly, General Powell was
able to show, through a series of "degrees of separation,"
how Hussein was merely 6 people away from Osama bin Laden,
leader of al Qaeda.
Using charts, graphs, and all AV equipment available to the
U.N., Powell presented his case to the General Assembly and
the entire world, which was watching via television cameras.
Never rambling or tentative, a confident Sec. Powell spoke
with a voice of authority, outlining the solid connection
between the leader of Iraq and the group of terrorists deemed
"the most dangerous people to Humanity" by Fox News Network.
The series of charts and graphs were presented in 14 different
languages, including Farsi, Aramaic and German. French was
inexplicably left out of the languages used.
In sum, here are Gen. Powell's arguments:
1. In December of 2002, actor Sean Penn went to Baghdad,
home of Saddam Hussein.
2. Sean Penn is married to actress Robin Wright Penn.
3. Robin Wright Penn made the movie "Forrest Gump" with
4. Tom Hanks made the film "Apollo 13" with Kevin Bacon.
5. Kevin Bacon made a Visa card commercial with Indian-born
character actor Sahid Benjali.
6. Sahid Benjali used to bartend at the Lingerie Club
in Hollywood. In the early 80's he served drinks to Carmen
bin Laden, a former USC student, who is Osama's sister-in-law
After Gen. Powell's presentation, there were several heated
discussions, with many of the delegates making angry responses,
some of which were not too flattering to the case being made.
"6 degrees? Fah!" said Ahmad Abul Gheit, the delegate from
Egypt. "I can get from Saddam to Osama in 5 people! Including
"5 people? I can do it in four," retorted Elinor Hammarskjold,
the Swedish delegate. "And I don't need to use Kevin Bacon!
Just give me the Farrelly Brothers and a pool boy in Bel-Air!"
Where upon the entire floor of the U.N. erupted into arguments.
Eventually the winner emerged: Tanzania delegate Mark J.
Mwando was able to get from Saddam to Osama in 2:
1. In 1983, Saddam Hussein met with then U.S. Envoy Donald
Rumsfeld, working on behalf of the Ronald Reagan-George
Bush Sr. administration.
2. George Bush Sr. was formerly the head of the CIA,
the organization which armed Osama bin Laden and provided
training to his followers in the 80's.
For coming up with the winning entry, Delegate Mwando was
treated to a party platter from the Carnegie Deli on 7th Ave.
"This is wonderful," Mwando said as he munched on a dill pickle.
"I can feed half of Tanzania with this!"
Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld could not be reached for
comment. However, director Peter Farrelly was reported as
saying, "Far out."
Gil Christner is an actor and writer living in Los Angeles.
Not satisfied with simply writing about politics, he has decided
to enter the political field himself: He's the Office of Management
and Budget Aide who says "We're talking about PSSF Grants?"
on The West Wing this month.