from the Prime Minister of "aUStralia"
January 18, 2003
By Ozzy Drongo
Most Americans don't know who I am. Crickey, even your President
referred to me as "John Hunt". But it's worth it for the photo
opportunities brought back to my country, that way pesky leftists
could not say that I came back from father America empty handed
as I have done on every other occasion. It was nice for those
few Senators who sat through my sycophantic praise in your
Senate, to snore below the levels of my whining voice. I've
only made it onto the "Top Ten Conservative Idiots" once but
that's not too bad when one considers the calibre of idiocy
I measure up against. When your President speaks I echo his
great words of wargasmic wisdom. My name is John Howard, the
Prime Minister of Australia or as I'm also known by my subjects,
With zombie-like loyalty I remain right behind your country
in pursuing and punishing "Evil-doers". All I need from the
US are words like "National Security" and without question
I will leave my own country totally defenceless by deploying
any number of my troops wherever I'm told to. We are sure
America will come to our rescue should her bases here be threatened.
Cultural cringing is nothing new in Australia, even now while
so blatantly crawling to the US we still have the Queen of
England as our "Head of State". We couldn't have less direction,
autonomy or independence if we tried. We are like the small
annoying kid that stands behind the school yard bully going
"yeah!" as he beats someone half his size. We criticise and
ignore the U.N. We even hypocritically demand U.N. compliance
from other countries that America and therefore ourselves
are pitted against.
But hooray, we were finally noticed recently. The "Bali bombing"
has finally put us on the map. Mr. Bush missed another opportunity
to garner support for bombing anywhere anytime by warning
Americans in Bali of pending danger. Not so in Australia.
We "failed to acknowledge" the US warnings and then held
a government inquiry and declared ourselves innocent of any
negligence. Our incompetence is so plausible and with the
media in my pocket the whole issue blew over within a few
sporting matches. My steadfast approval of any idea thrown
up by the US government may well have made Australian citizens
targets but with no media airplay of that opinion, criticism
does not exist. Does this sound familiar to the American people?
The fact that the bombing suspects smile and joke with the
Indonesian authorities does not mean they will not be punished,
If the Indonesian government says they will be, then that's
good enough for me.
The race card has been paying off well of late. Years ago
when I said "We do not hate Asians, we tolerate them" along
with our white nuclear family standing in the front yard of
their white picket fenced house campaign, people just pointed
and said "Rascist". Now thanks to September 11, I can lock
up "boat people" indefinitely in our U.N. condemned outback
gulags and people think that is for their safety. Never mind
the fact that the S11 hijackers walked through US customs
virtually first class.
I use tactics to win elections that would make the GOP and
Trent Lott proud. We told our gullible public that asylum
seekers threw their children overboard into the ocean without
life jackets for shark bait to gain entry into our country.
Crazed conspiracy theorists suggested that our warship firing
across their bow made them do it for fear of their lives.
Bah! Another Government inquiry put that issue to rest after
I won another election on the basis of that incident. The
media here are just great too. I haven't been asked a pertinent
question for years and my Liberal Party (in name only) has
a policy of starving the Labor opposition of media coverage.
Even bad coverage is better than allowing them a voice, like
when my welfare minister was caught making up lies about all
the millionaires rorting social security. Not that we are
against corporate handouts…er, I mean tax incentives.
We haven't exactly been setting the world on fire like yourself,
but we've been behind the US in every decision regarding your
noble "War on Terror" yet internationally, we still barely
rate a mention in the global media. It's always the "English
and American coalition"! Even the Taliban fell about laughing
when they heard Australia would commit forces to your "well
defined and just rampage" through Afghanistan. Such is the
fate of aUStraila, Uncle Sam's loyal deputy.
Internationally we are best known for our commitment to sport
and guzzling beer. Our sportsmen are treated like gods in
this country at the expense of the entire population and cannot
be punished in a court of law, unofficially of course. No
money for a new sports stadium? Bulldust, we'll just rip the
guts out of our health and education budgets and voila! We
have yet another half filled stadium that the morons who paid
for it with their taxes, couldn't even afford to pay to get
into it. You see it's just that easy to get elected here.
Booming deficits, skyrocket inflation, a growing army of unemployed,
academics and manufacturers leaving our shores in droves,
a 10% Good and Services Tax (GST), suicide rates greater than
Japan and government corruption with conflicts of interest
galore, are just simply no match for encouraging the public's
beer swilling, and watching football, cricket or rugby matches.
What are my credentials? I didn't even know the average wage
of my working subjects when I was treasurer, I overestimated
it at 33% and I resided over more bankruptcies in history
at the time. My current treasurer holds that crown now. I
abused working people for not buying SUV's because they cost
the same amount as a family sedan, NOT! I removed taxes on
luxury cars. I have encouraged fees for an education system
that let's the rich coast through or cheat exams and keeps
the poor virtually out of it altogether. Intel corporation
spends more on research and development than the whole of
this country. I will not apologise to our indigenous people
but pretend that we are reconciled, if they didn't turn up
to our 'Reconciliation Celebrations" that's their own problem.
Militarily, we in Australia buy any junk that America wants
to offload. When our SAS guys do training exercises our blackhawk
helicopters just crash into each other, great stuff if only
we could get the enemy to stand under the wreckage. We also
buy American missiles that do not fit our loud underwater
targets called Collins class submarines. No problems that's
just more taxpayers funds to flush down the toilet (after
our usual slushfund grab…er, administration costs. Anyhow
there's plenty more money where that came from because our
public are so apathetic we aren't even sure if they're alive
most of the time.
In the tradition of "It's not what you know, it's who you
know", I have risen to the top to take the blame for the problems
of all the institutions we have handed over to our corporate
mates through "Privatisation". The only thing that really
worries the Australian public thanks to my compliant media
is taxes on beer and sport events going exclusively to pay
TV. This is when you will see my cronies and I spring into
action to defend the public's right to be ignorant drunks
and brain dead sports junkies. Just remember that whether
you want us or not, "America has no greater friend in it than
that of Australia".
God bless America and it's 51st state, aUStraila.