January 9, 2003
By Sheila Samples
I am weary of this gaggle of somber, anal-retentive pundits
- bloated with self-importance, sighing heavily, squinting
at me accusingly from one TV show after another - whining
we're not in a "real" war because I'm not willing to make
sacrifices. Makes me feel more than a twinge of guilt. Because
they're right, you know. We all need to get more involved
in this popular and delicious savagery and violence because
we, like, you know, mostly need a "real" war after all the
trouble Geedubya's had whipping it up for us. Just think of
the sacrifices Dubya's made to protect us, while - isn't it
just so like him asking nothing in return.
Well, that's not exactly true. When he first started to smoke
'em out, git 'em on the run and bring 'em to justice, Dubbie
told us to get on with our lives, and just trust him to bring
back the evilest-doer in the universe - Osama bin Laden -
dead or alive. If we really wanted to help, he said, once
we trained our eyes to blink again without screaming when
it went all dark, we could hug a few neighbors and visit some
shut-ins. Oh, yeah, and he said we could "watch out" for stuff,
and maybe go down to our local airports and keep an eye on
all the cropdusters that didn't belong to us. So I hid in
the bushes at the airport for two months watching out for
stuff while I focused like an laser on that dilapidated old
Stearman Jim Bob fixed up to spray the cotton around here
- but that was before he found out the government was paying
farmers not to plant much of anything, especially cotton.
I don't go there anymore, especially since Jim Bob set up
shop in a nearby clump of bushes to watch me watching him.
Not much sacrificial stuff happens at a rural Oklahoma airport
anyway...at least not nearly enough to make a feller feel
like he's contributing to a "real" war. Between waves of terror
brought on by dire Ashcroftian warnings that "they" walk among
us like so many swarthy evildoing aliens deposited here by
sinister spacecraft, most people ultimately managed to get
on with their lives - at least priests and corporate CEOs
and kidnappers and snipers and Karl Rove.
Not me. I don't even wonder about ol' dead-or-alive bin Laden
anymore. Like Dubya says, "If he's dead, we got 'im - if
he's alive, we'll git 'im..." I aim to support my president
in his new adventure; his noble crusade to blast evil from
the face of the earth. I figure Dubya needs my help to liberate
people being held hostage by strange religions and crusty
power-mad oil-sodden dictators. I aim to help Dubbie give
them what they really want whether they know they want it
or not - freedom and democracy. It's a sacrifice Dub is making
for all mankind. He said so himself. History is "calling"
him to complete this task and he is answering the call.
I aim to make a sacrifice fitting to the occasion because,
although Dubya's been too busy answering History's call to
mention it for the past year or so-I remember what jump-started
his current widespread freedom crusade. I remember that nearly
3,000 innocent people were crushed, burned alive or, simply,
in one ghastly instant, turned to dust. How can anyone forget
that every single one of those people had lives, families,
hopes for the future - plans for lunch?
So that's why I'm doing my part, even though I keep meeting
with a bit of minor resistance. I've hugged my neighbors so
often that two of the wives are naming me as co-respondent
in their upcoming divorces. Shut-ins from a three-state area
keep telling me to shut up. Some try to shut me out-one even
sprayed me with Raid as I was climbing through his window
for the third time after he locked the door.
But I have found a way! Not just for me, but for all of us,
to make a collective sacrifice that will bring us to the Promised
Land from our oozing ameobic Cro-Magnon state of grunting
and pointing, and will silence forever those who mock us for
our patriotic diligence. It's nothing less than a glorious
sacrificial hymn of salvation and goodness not to mention
a sad, desperate cry for help...
It's called Fasting
For Dubya, and the directions are written on the damp
and sticky heel of this wonderful site. All we have to do
is sign up to fast at least one day a month for Dubya's "holiness."
For those of you in Houston, "fast" means to stop cramming
greasy crap into your pie-hole for 24 hours which, if you're
still with me, equals one full day...The sitemaster, Bob Sjogren,
concedes that some may also want to fast for such things as
bipartisanship, wisdom for Dubbie's work, wisdom for Dubbie's
cabinet, etc., but the rule is that sacrificial fasting will
be primarily for Dubbie's holiness.
Here's how it works. We can choose the day of the month we
want to fast, and our names will be put on a list of "fasters"
for that day. Sjogren makes it so easy - he will remind us
via email a couple of days before - so we can gorge ourselves
in preparation - and if we can't make our "day," he will slide
another holiness faster in our place. All we have to do is
let him know at email@example.com.
What an incredibly easy and healthy way to sacrifice for
Dubya, purge our colons and have happy glowing skin at the
same time! Heck, I'll bet Rush Limbaugh, or maybe even CNN's
Candi Crowley could manage to suspend gluttony for 24 hours
a month. Think of the time and effort it would save folks
like Wolf Blitzer if we could all work together to put Dubbie
on the fast track to pure-dee holiness...And, the best part
is, Sjogren says whenever Dubbie puts out prayer requests,
Sjogren will fast-forward them right on to us.
Sjogren's goal is to have 1,000 people fasting for Geedubya
every single day of the year. "That will greatly encourage
him," Sjogren says, "and keep him accountable when the Evil
One seeks to sidetrack him from his commitment to the Lord..."
Hey, don't laugh. Last time I checked, more than 10,000 sacrificial
lambs had signed up to pray for Dubbie's holiness - 10,408
to be exact, but who's counting, and is that scary or what?
So we have finally discovered a sacrifice to ease our guilt;
one sufficient to fuel a "real" war, full of egocentric rage
and insane drama. We have a sacrifice we can get our teeth
into (except for one day a month) and one that will satisfy
the writhings and shudderings and whimperings of the little
bile-filled TV pundits. With our support, His Holiness will
liberate all those who are for us and will conquer and destroy
all those who are for the terrorists. Thanks to His Holiness,
we will all be absofreakinglutely, praisegodalmighty free
In the meantime, I'm gonna check out the neighbors one more
time. I feel an overpowering need for a group hug...
Sheila Samples is an Oklahoma freelance writer and former
Public Information Officer for Fort Sill, Oklahoma.