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Saddams
UnderWar
December 6, 2002
By Mike McArdle
UN Inspectors find no weapons in Hussein drawer
By Alex Byrdman
New York Times
BAGHDAD, Iraq, Dec. 17, 2002 — The UN effort to disarm
Saddam Hussein hit another snag today when UN weapons inspectors
failed to find any weapons of mass destruction in Mr. Hussein’s
underwear drawer. Chief weapons inspector Hans Blix announced
today that the drawer had been searched thoroughly and was
found to contain no weapons.
“We searched it twice and came up with nothing,” said Mr.
Blix who also indicated to the assembled reporters that the
Iraqi dictator is a “briefs” man.
Several delegations at the United Nations expressed relief
at the news and suggested that the international tension may
be easing. A member of the Canadian delegation in fact was
inadvertently overheard telling friends that the results may
“cool off that war-mongering blood thirsty retard” in an apparent
reference to President Bush. The remark caused the Canadian
government to refer all inquiries to its official all purpose
Bush-insult apology which they recently posted on the government
web-site.
Officials in the Bush administration, however, who had been
increasing irritated in recent weeks over the failure to find
any weapons were unequivocal in their denunciations of the
results of the latest efforts.
“This is an outrage,” said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld,
“the fact that the inspectors found no weapons is a clear
indication that the Iraqis are engaging in the same deception
and obfuscation that we’ve become used to. Saddam Hussein
is risking the most serious of consequences. The international
community should see in this drawer the full extent of the
threat we’re facing. We can’t let the Iraqi government think
that it can get away with not having any weapons.”
Presidential advisor Richard Perle, who first urged war against
Iraq in a term paper he wrote in high school, said that the
weaponless drawer was highly incriminating and showed just
how much danger Hussein poses to the West. “We should have
gone in there years ago,” Perle fumed, ”I’m going back to
my think tank today and I’m not going to think about anything
but war - ugly, cruel, destructive war and what the American
Enterprise Institute thinks about turns into policy. You mark
my words. This thing isn’t over, not by a long shot. How dare
they have no weapons?”
“We have a mandate from the UN to disarm Saddam Hussein and
how can we do that if there aren’t any weapons,” said Assistant
Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz, “I can’t imagine that we
need any more provocation or justification to go to war. As
far as I’m concerned the undies were their last chance. The
President’s been a patient man up to this point but it seems
that it’s time for action.
President Bush, speaking at a Republican fund-raiser in San
Diego, reiterated his administrations disappointment in the
lack of weapons in the drawer. “Saddams clean underwear just
shows the degree of the threat of destruction in his massive,
er, weapon,” said the President, his syntax somewhat hampered
by the failure of his teleprompter. “Saddam Hussein should
know that the international community didn’t get into his
underwear intending to come away empty-handed. I think we
should look at this as a serious breach, uh, in the material.
And we should all keep in mind that this is a man who was,
er, uh, peopled by his own gas.”
When informed that the French and Russian ambassadors had
told UN delegates that the lack of weapons were an indication
that war may not be necessary Mr. Bush appeared to become
angry, warning that the UN is supposed to keep the peace in
the world and if they can’t go to war over the drawers lack
of contents they “will suffer the same fate as the National
League. They need to be able to see that what we found in
this drawer is a cloud of smoking mushrooms.”
Blix pleaded for calm and asked that the international community
give the inspections process a chance to work and said that
the next target may well be Husseins medicine cabinet. “We’ve
got toothpaste, floss and hundreds of Viagra bottles to go
through. This kind of thing takes time,” he said.
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