Till You Drop or You're a Terrorist
November 27, 2002
By Charles Sullivan
Obviously, one of the brightest minds and greatest patriots
of our time is George W. Bush. One demonstration of this great
man's vast intellect, not to mention his astounding capacity
for compassion, came in the aftermath of the tragic events
of September 11, 2001. While millions of Americans were grief
stricken and shocked by those terrible events, Bush wisely
exhorted the American people to resume their lives, and to
go on a shopping spree. In a land where money is god and the
shopping malls are its churches, what could be wiser council
than our court-selected leader's sage advice? I know that
I always feel better when an irreplaceable family member dies,
if I go out and buy a new computer, or a can of peas. Yet,
despite his insightful advice, I fear that Mr. Bush's mental
and spiritual prowess is frequently overlooked by lesser minds
Not only was Mr. Bush's recommendation sound business advice,
it provided a revelation into the deep and highly articulate
soul of a complex and multi-faceted man. It is men like Mr.
Bush who make America what it is — the greatest nation of
consumers on earth. Clearly, Mr. Bush exemplifies the depth
of character that is expected of a great nation like ours.
Our exalted leader's moral example is brightly reflected in
the character of our nation's people. We should be honored
as a people to be living in the midst of such greatness, and
so much excess.
What are some of the attributes that contribute to Bush's
greatness? The president select is justifiably fond of citing
his deep religious convictions; his devotion to the religious
teachings of Christ. Like all great men, Mr. Bush follows
that example to the letter. No nation can attain the kind
of greatness we see reflected in our people; their relentless
questioning of authority; their resolve to understand complex
foreign cultures; their total selflessness in the pursuit
of world peace and justice; their constant thirst for truth;
none of this is possible without superlative moral leadership.
It is that kind of leadership that has made America what it
But the President cannot do it all by himself. Mr. Bush has
exemplified his formidable wisdom many times over by surrounding
himself with pompous white men of sound moral fiber. People
like Jerry Falwell, Jimmy Swaggart, and Pat Robertson, who
not only provide religious enlightenment to the multitudes;
they also set forth the utmost standards for truth, not to
mention their legendary tolerance for diversity, and compassion.
If it were not for Jerry Falwell, we would not have discovered
that Tinky Winky was gay, until it was too late. Think of
how many of our nation's youth have been spared a life of
depravity by this timely disclosure. And you probably thought
these men had too much time on their hands, didn't you?
Consider, too, the scrupulous character of the president's
inner circle of power: There is Dick Cheney, patriot extraordinaire,
who has bilked millions of dollars from Halliburton Corporation,
even while doing business with the villainous Saddam Hussein,
then stealing the company's assets from its stockholders;
there is Donald Rumsfeld, who never met a Muslim he didn't
try to kill; John Ashcroft, that renowned lover of calico
cats; who never met an Arab or a progressive he didn't want
to interrogate, torture, and imprison; who is also a great
student of the Constitution and keeper of civil liberties;
Karl Rove, master strategist and all around good sport; Paul
Wolfowitz, the ferocious warrior; the names are simply too
numerous to mention all of them here. I could fill volumes.
Perhaps most impressive of all of our president's incredible
powers of observation, and penetrating intuition, is his ability
to see what other men fail to see. For example, Mr. Bush once
remarked that Israel's President Ariel Sharon — a man with
the blood of thousands of innocent Palestinian people on his
hands — "is a man of peace." Why is it that the rest of the
world has missed this startling revelation? Are they blind?
Like his Brother in Israel — Sharon — Bush is also a "man
of peace." Don't let the merciless bombing of Afghanistan
and his declaration of perpetual war against the world fool
you. Don't let the impending murder of all those Iraqi civilians,
many of them children, bamboozle you. Bush is a man of peace;
he said so. He is a man of god; he said so. Remember, Mr.
Bush is a ‘compassionate conservative.' So don't be deceived
by appearances. Clearly, things aren't as they seem.
Now, this benevolent man, this ‘compassionate conservative',
this man of Christ, wants to beat up yet another defenseless
and broken people. He wants to invade a sovereign country
and assassinate its president; this the first of many proposed
invasions. I ask you: What could be more just and Christ-like?
Forgive me, but how many people did Jesus Christ assassinate
in his lifetime? I must have skipped over those parts in my
early readings of the holy bible; silly me.
Another nugget of wisdom to fall from the president selects'
nimble tongue was this statement: "You are either with us
or you are with the terrorists." Now, you're not a terrorist,
are you? Remember, Mr. Ashcroft is watching our every move;
and soon our every financial transaction.
As evidenced by George W. Bush and his minions, it must be
clearly understood that our national religion is capitalism.
With that in mind, I offer this thought in closing: Either
you shop till you drop or you're a terrorist. So, gentle reader,
slowly back away from your computer screen; take your hand
off that mouse; get out there and enrich those corporations;
those shady billionaire executives need our support. How do
you expect them to survive on such paltry salaries? Remember:
It's our patriotic duty to line their pockets with our hard
earned pittance. Your children can probably get along perfectly
well without shoes, or pants. So let's all head over to Wal-Mart
and buy some useless junk. Do you want Bush to call you a
terrorist? Anything less is positively un-American.