Shop Till You Drop or You're a Terrorist
November 27, 2002
By Charles Sullivan

Obviously, one of the brightest minds and greatest patriots of our time is George W. Bush. One demonstration of this great man's vast intellect, not to mention his astounding capacity for compassion, came in the aftermath of the tragic events of September 11, 2001. While millions of Americans were grief stricken and shocked by those terrible events, Bush wisely exhorted the American people to resume their lives, and to go on a shopping spree. In a land where money is god and the shopping malls are its churches, what could be wiser council than our court-selected leader's sage advice? I know that I always feel better when an irreplaceable family member dies, if I go out and buy a new computer, or a can of peas. Yet, despite his insightful advice, I fear that Mr. Bush's mental and spiritual prowess is frequently overlooked by lesser minds like ours.

Not only was Mr. Bush's recommendation sound business advice, it provided a revelation into the deep and highly articulate soul of a complex and multi-faceted man. It is men like Mr. Bush who make America what it is — the greatest nation of consumers on earth. Clearly, Mr. Bush exemplifies the depth of character that is expected of a great nation like ours. Our exalted leader's moral example is brightly reflected in the character of our nation's people. We should be honored as a people to be living in the midst of such greatness, and so much excess.

What are some of the attributes that contribute to Bush's greatness? The president select is justifiably fond of citing his deep religious convictions; his devotion to the religious teachings of Christ. Like all great men, Mr. Bush follows that example to the letter. No nation can attain the kind of greatness we see reflected in our people; their relentless questioning of authority; their resolve to understand complex foreign cultures; their total selflessness in the pursuit of world peace and justice; their constant thirst for truth; none of this is possible without superlative moral leadership. It is that kind of leadership that has made America what it is today.

But the President cannot do it all by himself. Mr. Bush has exemplified his formidable wisdom many times over by surrounding himself with pompous white men of sound moral fiber. People like Jerry Falwell, Jimmy Swaggart, and Pat Robertson, who not only provide religious enlightenment to the multitudes; they also set forth the utmost standards for truth, not to mention their legendary tolerance for diversity, and compassion. If it were not for Jerry Falwell, we would not have discovered that Tinky Winky was gay, until it was too late. Think of how many of our nation's youth have been spared a life of depravity by this timely disclosure. And you probably thought these men had too much time on their hands, didn't you?

Consider, too, the scrupulous character of the president's inner circle of power: There is Dick Cheney, patriot extraordinaire, who has bilked millions of dollars from Halliburton Corporation, even while doing business with the villainous Saddam Hussein, then stealing the company's assets from its stockholders; there is Donald Rumsfeld, who never met a Muslim he didn't try to kill; John Ashcroft, that renowned lover of calico cats; who never met an Arab or a progressive he didn't want to interrogate, torture, and imprison; who is also a great student of the Constitution and keeper of civil liberties; Karl Rove, master strategist and all around good sport; Paul Wolfowitz, the ferocious warrior; the names are simply too numerous to mention all of them here. I could fill volumes.

Perhaps most impressive of all of our president's incredible powers of observation, and penetrating intuition, is his ability to see what other men fail to see. For example, Mr. Bush once remarked that Israel's President Ariel Sharon — a man with the blood of thousands of innocent Palestinian people on his hands — "is a man of peace." Why is it that the rest of the world has missed this startling revelation? Are they blind?

Like his Brother in Israel — Sharon — Bush is also a "man of peace." Don't let the merciless bombing of Afghanistan and his declaration of perpetual war against the world fool you. Don't let the impending murder of all those Iraqi civilians, many of them children, bamboozle you. Bush is a man of peace; he said so. He is a man of god; he said so. Remember, Mr. Bush is a ‘compassionate conservative.' So don't be deceived by appearances. Clearly, things aren't as they seem.

Now, this benevolent man, this ‘compassionate conservative', this man of Christ, wants to beat up yet another defenseless and broken people. He wants to invade a sovereign country and assassinate its president; this the first of many proposed invasions. I ask you: What could be more just and Christ-like? Forgive me, but how many people did Jesus Christ assassinate in his lifetime? I must have skipped over those parts in my early readings of the holy bible; silly me.

Another nugget of wisdom to fall from the president selects' nimble tongue was this statement: "You are either with us or you are with the terrorists." Now, you're not a terrorist, are you? Remember, Mr. Ashcroft is watching our every move; and soon our every financial transaction.

As evidenced by George W. Bush and his minions, it must be clearly understood that our national religion is capitalism. With that in mind, I offer this thought in closing: Either you shop till you drop or you're a terrorist. So, gentle reader, slowly back away from your computer screen; take your hand off that mouse; get out there and enrich those corporations; those shady billionaire executives need our support. How do you expect them to survive on such paltry salaries? Remember: It's our patriotic duty to line their pockets with our hard earned pittance. Your children can probably get along perfectly well without shoes, or pants. So let's all head over to Wal-Mart and buy some useless junk. Do you want Bush to call you a terrorist? Anything less is positively un-American.