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Fox
News Proposes War League
November 19, 2002
By John Glynn
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Today the president of Fox News today announced plans to
broadcast a "War League" starting right after the 2003 Super
Bowl. "Actually we've been building up to the league for over
a year, we just haven't named it until now. The league actually
started with Desert Storm in the prior Bush administration
but nobody followed up. Looking back at the timing, between
Super Bowl and March Madness, the great ratings, the preseason
buildup which can last a year or more, the tremendous talk
show filler, the ready-made participants, it was a natural
which nobody noticed. Now we are ready to move and make this
a permanent feature of the media landscape. Of course 2003
will open with Iraq as the designated villainous enemy. President
Bush proposed additional candidates in his Axis of Evil speech
but they are not really appropriate for the league. North
Korean weather in February is impossible for broadcasting
purposes and the Iranians are so persistent when it comes
to war that we do not think we could finish by the mid-March
deadline. Libya is very promising for 2004, in fact some of
our media people are now beginning to remind the American
public about how evil Quadaffi is and how he lives in a tent
and wears a turban. Sudan in being penciled in for 2005, the
slavery card is such a natural."
"Once the league is up and formally running in mid-2003 we
plan on announcing a scheduled three enemy cycle, Urgent Threat
(UT), Imminent Threat (IT), and Danger to Our Freedoms (DF).
Once the Victory Reviews and Parades are over, about mid-April,
we will begin invective and warnings concerning the plans
of the UT to attack the US. This will be coordinated with
Republican plans, possibly requiring an early start during
election years. About Labor Day the American public will be
deeply concerned and divided about the danger posed by UT's
attack plans which will be evident from our intelligence sources.
By Thanksgiving the first American forces will begin moving
to the battlefront and will continue during a semi blackout
over the Holiday Season. Tension will be palpable by New Year
as the football playoffs wind to a close and Homeland Security
moves toward Code Red. The UT will have been transformed into
EE, the Evil Enemy. Battlefront aerial shots, interviews with
our brave troops, raging EE mobs, will dominate the airwaves
as our pundits cheer on the national effort and excoriate
Democrats and other dissenters. By the end of January the
EE will have made a dastardly attack somewhere and we will
begin shooting in the first or second week of February. Four
weeks should take us to early-middle of March and victory
over the EE. After the NCAA playoffs are over will be time
for Reviews and Parades and the beginning of a new cycle."
Fox broadcasters will be deputized by the US military, and
will have exclusive rights and battle footage in a relationship
similar to that which the NFL offers its designated game broadcasters.
Each military company will have a cameraman (sergeant) and
commentator (captain) who will feed pictures and commentary
to a central area for editing, coordination, and broadcasting.
"We will try to schedule action between 8 PM and midnight
EST and the military has agreed to cooperate. Generally there
will be lead-in commentary by Hannity, O'Rielly and some guest
experts such as Rush Limbaugh. This will be followed by skirmishes
for an hour or so with the Evil Enemy. After a half-hour of
review another series of skirmishes will result in the defeat
and fallback of the EE, followed by closing commentary. We
hope to have major battles on Monday evenings to pick up much
of the Monday Night Football crowd and allow us to express
foreboding during the preceding weekend. Three battles a week
should be about right. "Nonscheduled" skirmishes during the
afternoon should build up evening viewership. Ideally week
four would see major defeats for the EE with abject surrender
no later than mid-March. Of course we all know that war is
hell to broadcast so I am sure there will be moments of uncertainty
and days in which things will not go according to plan. The
EE may even win a few. However, Perle and Wolfowitz have assured
us that the military is committed to this basic schedule and
that they can provide EE's strong enough to hold up the other
end. As a nice aside we expect that Hannity, O'Rielly, Limbaugh,
and others whose promotion of war has been nothing short of
heroic will be designated major-generals."
Fox is currently negotiating for broadcast rights. They do
not foresee any problems in closing the deal. "It is really
our idea. Some in the Defense Department lay claim to the
concept of a permanent war cycle, but we developed it. Hannity,
O'Reilly, and others have promulgated it for some time now.
Who else has worked as hard to sow the idea that war is just
football with bigger teams and fewer rules? Who else has worked
as hard to brand domestic opponents as cowards and traitors?
Who else has worked as hard to manufacture hysteria? Clearly
it is ours in both concept and development. Frankly, we feel
so strongly about this that, in the unlikely event that another
network got the deal we would stop doing right-wing propaganda."
Since the Republican Party, of which Fox is considered a branch,
will award the rights most observers expect the deal to be
inked soon.
Fox pointed out that the resources were already in place.
"We have a huge army of nearly half- a- million sitting around
mostly doing nothing. We have an air force flying multi-billion-dollar
jets from point A to point B for no particular purpose. Our
navy sails the seven seas just to sail the seven seas. Since
the collapse of the Soviets our military has been looking
for a purpose to justify its budget. We have found it. They
should be grateful to us and to the Republicans. They're trained
to fight, so let them fight. Sure it will cost a little extra
money but, as the President makes clear, it is our patriotic
duty to support it and that money would only be poured down
the Social Security rat-hole anyway. As for casualties, people
die every day. We plan to enforce a policy of showing only
EE casualties. Even then it will be tastefully done with distance
shots rather than close-ups of blood and gore and incinerated
bodies. Since it is not our intent, nor that of Defense, that
women and children will be killed we are neither of us responsible
and we will certainly not show or acknowledge such deaths.
Justice is drafting legislation to make broadcasting such
deaths a Homeland Security Act violation since it roils our
enemies and thus threatens America. Finally, most of these
people die of disease and starvation anyway so blowing them
up can be considered a favor."
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