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Fox News Proposes War League
November 19, 2002
By John Glynn

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Today the president of Fox News today announced plans to broadcast a "War League" starting right after the 2003 Super Bowl. "Actually we've been building up to the league for over a year, we just haven't named it until now. The league actually started with Desert Storm in the prior Bush administration but nobody followed up. Looking back at the timing, between Super Bowl and March Madness, the great ratings, the preseason buildup which can last a year or more, the tremendous talk show filler, the ready-made participants, it was a natural which nobody noticed. Now we are ready to move and make this a permanent feature of the media landscape. Of course 2003 will open with Iraq as the designated villainous enemy. President Bush proposed additional candidates in his Axis of Evil speech but they are not really appropriate for the league. North Korean weather in February is impossible for broadcasting purposes and the Iranians are so persistent when it comes to war that we do not think we could finish by the mid-March deadline. Libya is very promising for 2004, in fact some of our media people are now beginning to remind the American public about how evil Quadaffi is and how he lives in a tent and wears a turban. Sudan in being penciled in for 2005, the slavery card is such a natural."

"Once the league is up and formally running in mid-2003 we plan on announcing a scheduled three enemy cycle, Urgent Threat (UT), Imminent Threat (IT), and Danger to Our Freedoms (DF). Once the Victory Reviews and Parades are over, about mid-April, we will begin invective and warnings concerning the plans of the UT to attack the US. This will be coordinated with Republican plans, possibly requiring an early start during election years. About Labor Day the American public will be deeply concerned and divided about the danger posed by UT's attack plans which will be evident from our intelligence sources. By Thanksgiving the first American forces will begin moving to the battlefront and will continue during a semi blackout over the Holiday Season. Tension will be palpable by New Year as the football playoffs wind to a close and Homeland Security moves toward Code Red. The UT will have been transformed into EE, the Evil Enemy. Battlefront aerial shots, interviews with our brave troops, raging EE mobs, will dominate the airwaves as our pundits cheer on the national effort and excoriate Democrats and other dissenters. By the end of January the EE will have made a dastardly attack somewhere and we will begin shooting in the first or second week of February. Four weeks should take us to early-middle of March and victory over the EE. After the NCAA playoffs are over will be time for Reviews and Parades and the beginning of a new cycle."

Fox broadcasters will be deputized by the US military, and will have exclusive rights and battle footage in a relationship similar to that which the NFL offers its designated game broadcasters. Each military company will have a cameraman (sergeant) and commentator (captain) who will feed pictures and commentary to a central area for editing, coordination, and broadcasting. "We will try to schedule action between 8 PM and midnight EST and the military has agreed to cooperate. Generally there will be lead-in commentary by Hannity, O'Rielly and some guest experts such as Rush Limbaugh. This will be followed by skirmishes for an hour or so with the Evil Enemy. After a half-hour of review another series of skirmishes will result in the defeat and fallback of the EE, followed by closing commentary. We hope to have major battles on Monday evenings to pick up much of the Monday Night Football crowd and allow us to express foreboding during the preceding weekend. Three battles a week should be about right. "Nonscheduled" skirmishes during the afternoon should build up evening viewership. Ideally week four would see major defeats for the EE with abject surrender no later than mid-March. Of course we all know that war is hell to broadcast so I am sure there will be moments of uncertainty and days in which things will not go according to plan. The EE may even win a few. However, Perle and Wolfowitz have assured us that the military is committed to this basic schedule and that they can provide EE's strong enough to hold up the other end. As a nice aside we expect that Hannity, O'Rielly, Limbaugh, and others whose promotion of war has been nothing short of heroic will be designated major-generals."

Fox is currently negotiating for broadcast rights. They do not foresee any problems in closing the deal. "It is really our idea. Some in the Defense Department lay claim to the concept of a permanent war cycle, but we developed it. Hannity, O'Reilly, and others have promulgated it for some time now. Who else has worked as hard to sow the idea that war is just football with bigger teams and fewer rules? Who else has worked as hard to brand domestic opponents as cowards and traitors? Who else has worked as hard to manufacture hysteria? Clearly it is ours in both concept and development. Frankly, we feel so strongly about this that, in the unlikely event that another network got the deal we would stop doing right-wing propaganda." Since the Republican Party, of which Fox is considered a branch, will award the rights most observers expect the deal to be inked soon.

Fox pointed out that the resources were already in place. "We have a huge army of nearly half- a- million sitting around mostly doing nothing. We have an air force flying multi-billion-dollar jets from point A to point B for no particular purpose. Our navy sails the seven seas just to sail the seven seas. Since the collapse of the Soviets our military has been looking for a purpose to justify its budget. We have found it. They should be grateful to us and to the Republicans. They're trained to fight, so let them fight. Sure it will cost a little extra money but, as the President makes clear, it is our patriotic duty to support it and that money would only be poured down the Social Security rat-hole anyway. As for casualties, people die every day. We plan to enforce a policy of showing only EE casualties. Even then it will be tastefully done with distance shots rather than close-ups of blood and gore and incinerated bodies. Since it is not our intent, nor that of Defense, that women and children will be killed we are neither of us responsible and we will certainly not show or acknowledge such deaths. Justice is drafting legislation to make broadcasting such deaths a Homeland Security Act violation since it roils our enemies and thus threatens America. Finally, most of these people die of disease and starvation anyway so blowing them up can be considered a favor."

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