10 Commandments (GOP Modified)
November 2, 2002
since George Bush cited Jesus as his most admired philosopher
(while miraculously dodging DUI and AWOL would-be campaign
killers), some have wondered if he hasn't found a shortcut
to salvation. After all, most of us would have been in jail
after pulling such stunts, but as the first president to simultaneously
serve as leader of the free world and de facto leader of the
religious right, he appears to be divinely protected.
Those of us who don't possess Bush's moral clarity, however,
may find his path to redemption confusing. While we might
answer the question, "What would Jesus do?" with pedestrian
responses like "feed the poor," or "heal the sick," our sly
leader and his holy henchmen seem convinced Jesus would wage
a brutal door-to-door war in Baghdad. Historically, they're
right, of course, as religious and political leaders have
always counted upon God's endorsement for everything from
the genocide of Native Americans to slavery to Pat Boone's
career. Given that, why wouldn't He want America to bomb the
crap out of Third World countries? Jerry Falwell sure does.
Today's hobbled moral midgets can't comprehend a plethora
of mysteries, from why men of God lustfully endorse war to
why insider trading is acceptable for the president, but oh-so-wrong
for Martha Stewart. Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee's wife Janet,
for example, while commenting on her grueling campaign as
the Republican candidate for Arkansas' secretary of state,
recently amplified how little liberals understand Jesus' nature.
"I'd be lying if I said [the campaign nastiness] didn't bother
me," she said in an interview. "If it wasn't for the grace
of God, I'd have shot a few people already." "Jesus wasn't
liked, either," she added. "And Jesus was mistreated, and
Granted, few among us may identify with Huckabee's homicidal
tendencies, and even fewer might associate them with Jesus,
but we're lost in other ways, as well. It wasn't too long
ago, remember, when our faith was based upon secular matters
- and we believed our children faced futures of endless possibility.
If that doesn't prove we were misguided, what does?
And so, as our TV sets "countdown to Iraq," and our only
remaining certainty is Bush Inc.'s obsessive oil-drenched
mission from God, we might need to rethink things. After all,
as Dick Cheney reminded, "the good Lord didn't see fit to
put oil and gas only where there are democratic regimes friendly
to the United States."
Our consciences are communists, you see, and maybe we should
silence those yelping inner voices once and for all. By embracing
these GOP-modified commandments, we too can have everlasting
peace and redemption. And, like Bush and Cheney, we can attain
the kind of arrogance that screams "who cares what you think?"
even when we're disgustingly and immorally wrong. So here,
in no particular order, are the new and improved commandments,
courtesy of God's Own Party:
1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Except for mammon.
Because, while the meek may inherit the earth, Poppy's defense
contracts insure G.W. inherits the cash. When Prescott Bush
was nabbed doing business with the Nazis in World War II,
he was penalized under the Trading with the Enemy Act. When
Dick Cheney did the same in Iraq, he became vice president.
More proof that the GOP has a direct pipeline to GOD.
2. Thou shall not misuse the name of the Lord, your God.
Unless, of course, you're justifying the horrors of perpetual
war. In which case, assure that you're good and they're evil
and invoke God's name regularly. Make references to "God and
country" and infer that "GOP" stands for "God's Only Party."
Instruct CNN to link Senate Democrats to Satan, Barbra Streisand
and Larry Flynt.
3. Remember the Sabbath by keeping it holy. If you start
a War on Terror on, oh, say Sunday, October 7, for example,
fool people into believing you're on a crusade to capture
Osama "dead or alive." At all times, restrain from giggling
at their gullibility. Instead, focus on how controlling the
gateway to Caspian Sea oil will be downright heavenly.
4. Honor thy father and mother -- especially when someone
tries to kill your dad with some of the very same weapons
your dad gave him to kill other people with.
5. Thou shalt not kill. Unless it involves profit, revenge
and/or oil. Who, besides Jimmy Carter, believes that whole
"blessed be the peacemakers" thing anyway?
6. Thou shall not commit adultery. Although Newt Gingrich
or Tim Hutchinson have received special finger-pointing dispensation,
this one sticks. Adultery reminds folks of budget surpluses
and millions upon millions of wasted tax dollars.
7. Thou shalt not steal. Unless you're pilfering land for
the Texas Rangers or dabbling in insider trading or are a
righteous Captain of Industry and need the oil.
8. Thou shalt not give false testimony against they neighbor.
Except in cases where you're waging war for profit. In which
case, make up stories about babies in incubators and nuclear
capabilities and magical drones and mystical aircraft carriers.
9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. Which isn't
a problem, because who cares about sex when you've got your
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods. Unless they
have oil. Or unless Dick Cheney's underground bunker is better
than yours, in which case, you should start wondering why
Dick always gets to preside over the shadow government and
hang out in that cool, undisclosed location and all you get
is this lousy tee-shirt.
As you can see, the new and improved 10 Commandments are
easier to follow. And, as a member of the GOP, you get to
be on the right side of God and county - no matter what! Although
don't look too closely at the fine print. Or at Cheney's or
Limbaugh's or Gingrich's eyes. Because, if you do, sooner
or later you'll see that though belonging to God's Oil Party
may enhance your piousness, in the end, it can cost you your