Accepts Iraqi Offer for a Duel
October 5, 2002
By Graham Smith
BUSH ACCEPTS IRAQI OFFER FOR A "DUEL"
Kofi Annan to referee death match in Crawford
BAGHDAD Iraqi Vice President Taha Yassin Ramadan challenged
President Bush and Vice President Cheney today to a tag-team
death match on neutral ground. Ramadan wants to square off
against Cheney while Saddam Hussein would face Bush.
"That fatso Cheney will be squealing like a stuck pig when
I'm through with him," said Ramadan through a translator.
There's no word yet on whether Ramadan or the cagier VP Taha
Muhie-eldin Marouf would face Cheney.
"Ramadan is the more experienced veteran," said Ahmed al-Masij,
Turkish wrestling legend and the Iraqi regime's grappling
coach. "But Marouf is the hungrier, more-determined fighter.
Both are quicker than Cheney so they have an advantage."
UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, who is taking time out from
his normal duties to referee the showdown, promises to be
"Yeah, I know I normally agree with the U.S. on everything,
but this time it's different," said Annan. "If this works
out well, this could be a blueprint for all future aggressions."
However, critics are already decrying his decision to let
Cheney fight with a long spear and protective armor while
providing the chosen Iraqi VP with a heavy net and a short
"Great, I grew up watching those jerks in American films
fight gladiators with only nets and get their ass kicked,"
said Ramadan. He expects the fatter Cheney to employ a "lean-and-lurch"
method, using the spear primarily to prop himself up.
Most are expecting the obsessive runner Bush to whip the
portly overweight Hussein, leaving the possibility of a split
decision if Ramadan beats Cheney.
"If Bush isn't running, he's sleeping," said one administration
source. "This is the most stress-free president anyone's ever
Hussein is also challenging the decision to let the match
take place in America. Though experts believe this maneuver
is meant to stall and delay while Hussein gets in shape or
prepares a suitable body double.
"This is just standard rhetoric from a corrupt regime," said
White House spokesman Ari Fleisher. "The only way Saddam can
win is to defy Annan's orders, crawfish or weevil. The president
has said that there will be no negotiations with evil men.
The match stays here or we start bombing."
Annan said the list of "impartial" countries for Bush to
fight in is short. "We had to go somewhere were someone liked
Bush," said Annan. "You find a country that likes Bush if
you're so smart."
In the event of a split victory, it has been decided the
four will face off in a timed hot-dog eating contest at a
time and location yet to be announced.
Cheney is heavily favored in that event.