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President Strangebrew, or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bush
October 2, 2002
By Lloyd Dobbler

And it's one two three four... what are we fightin for?

Oil, friends and neighbors, and a lot of it! That black, nasty, moldy dinosaur sludge that comes out of the ground and makes the whole damn world go round. You see, we need it and those A-rabs have it. You know those A-llah-worshippin, box-cutter-carryin, good-Christian-hatin', sons-a-Mohammed.

If you have been listening to the neo-cons (and who the hell can help it, they're everywhere - in book stores, on the radio, on television - every single day and night) you would know that A-rabs hate us and our way of life and are trying to take away our freedom. Please don' t mention the fact that the Bush Empire has done more to trample freedom here in the States with its Patriot Act than anything the extremists could do.

Speaking of the extremists, do not even bring up the fact that our very own Reagan-controlled secret government fed, armed and trained these freaks of nature named Bin Laden and Hussein. There I go again - blaming America first. Those damn liberal tendencies...must fight it...must regain control....

Harken, Halliburton, Enron - all bankrupt or soon to be. Big oil companies go bust, big oil men stage a coup and take over the most powerful country in history. Big oil men use the military of that mighty nation to take over all oil producing countries under the guise of National Security.

It doesn't get any better than this folks! So come on, my liberal brothers and sisters, jump on the big oil bandwagon, make like you're at a Jessie Helms Klan rally and scream till your lungs bleed "praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!"

And it's five six seven eight... open up the pearly gates

Be afraid... be very afraid - the religious right in this country and the neo-con chickenhawks in the administration have joined forces. This is now some sort of holy war - a "crusade" if you will. I know Dubya apologized for that comment but all good "Christians" know he meant it. The liberal media in this country tells us all the time that he never says anything that he doesn't mean. Bottom line: the hawks want war at all costs and the fundamentalists want that cult known as Islam wiped from the face of the earth.

Oh what fun we'll have as the bombs rain down on strategic sites (you know, so as not to hurt innocent women and children). We can all hold hands and sing that old spiritual... uhh... never mind.

Whooopeee we all gonna die!

I can't fight it anymore, you say "war" and the liberal in me comes spewing out like regurgitated goo after an Ann Coulter binge and purge session.

With apologies to Hemingway, war is not glorious, romantic or beautiful. If you have ever spoken to a veteran (and I have) you would know that not a single one used those terms to describe it. That's left to the rich, old, blue-blooded white men who run the country. The woulda, shoulda, coulda been crowd, if only our daddies weren't billionaires we woulda served, we coulda been heroes, we shoulda been so lucky.

It got so bad in the 60's that our young people began to take to the hills... of Canada. Those that were caught without an effective exit strategy quickly found themselves hip deep in blood, disease and death in that little slice of hell known as Vietnam. When our young people began to come home by the boat load in flag wrapped boxes and still others came back so physically or mentally dilapidated the word "war" became so utterly horrific it took its rightful place on the back page of the American lexicon.

If only Dubya had actually gone to Vietnam instead of hiding behind daddy's billions he might have seen the horrors of war up close and personal. Instead the boy king got to sit that one out and by most accounts spent much of the decade poolside in a scotch and soda stupor with a straw hanging out of his nose. Ah, to be young, rich, white and incoherent.

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