Strangebrew, or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love
October 2, 2002
By Lloyd Dobbler
And it's one two three four... what are we fightin for?
Oil, friends and neighbors, and a lot of it! That black,
nasty, moldy dinosaur sludge that comes out of the ground
and makes the whole damn world go round. You see, we need
it and those A-rabs have it. You know those A-llah-worshippin,
box-cutter-carryin, good-Christian-hatin', sons-a-Mohammed.
If you have been listening to the neo-cons (and who the hell
can help it, they're everywhere - in book stores, on the radio,
on television - every single day and night) you would know
that A-rabs hate us and our way of life and are trying to
take away our freedom. Please don' t mention the fact that
the Bush Empire has done more to trample freedom here in the
States with its Patriot Act than anything the extremists could
Speaking of the extremists, do not even bring up the fact
that our very own Reagan-controlled secret government fed,
armed and trained these freaks of nature named Bin Laden and
Hussein. There I go again - blaming America first. Those damn
liberal tendencies...must fight it...must regain control....
Harken, Halliburton, Enron - all bankrupt or soon to be.
Big oil companies go bust, big oil men stage a coup and take
over the most powerful country in history. Big oil men use
the military of that mighty nation to take over all oil producing
countries under the guise of National Security.
It doesn't get any better than this folks! So come on, my
liberal brothers and sisters, jump on the big oil bandwagon,
make like you're at a Jessie Helms Klan rally and scream till
your lungs bleed "praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!"
And it's five six seven eight... open up the pearly gates
Be afraid... be very afraid - the religious right in this
country and the neo-con chickenhawks in the administration
have joined forces. This is now some sort of holy war - a
"crusade" if you will. I know Dubya apologized for that comment
but all good "Christians" know he meant it. The liberal media
in this country tells us all the time that he never says anything
that he doesn't mean. Bottom line: the hawks want war at all
costs and the fundamentalists want that cult known as Islam
wiped from the face of the earth.
Oh what fun we'll have as the bombs rain down on strategic
sites (you know, so as not to hurt innocent women and children).
We can all hold hands and sing that old spiritual... uhh...
Whooopeee we all gonna die!
I can't fight it anymore, you say "war" and the liberal in
me comes spewing out like regurgitated goo after an Ann Coulter
binge and purge session.
With apologies to Hemingway, war is not glorious, romantic
or beautiful. If you have ever spoken to a veteran (and I
have) you would know that not a single one used those terms
to describe it. That's left to the rich, old, blue-blooded
white men who run the country. The woulda, shoulda, coulda
been crowd, if only our daddies weren't billionaires we woulda
served, we coulda been heroes, we shoulda been so lucky.
It got so bad in the 60's that our young people began to
take to the hills... of Canada. Those that were caught without
an effective exit strategy quickly found themselves hip deep
in blood, disease and death in that little slice of hell known
as Vietnam. When our young people began to come home by the
boat load in flag wrapped boxes and still others came back
so physically or mentally dilapidated the word "war" became
so utterly horrific it took its rightful place on the back
page of the American lexicon.
If only Dubya had actually gone to Vietnam instead of hiding
behind daddy's billions he might have seen the horrors of
war up close and personal. Instead the boy king got to sit
that one out and by most accounts spent much of the decade
poolside in a scotch and soda stupor with a straw hanging
out of his nose. Ah, to be young, rich, white and incoherent.