History of This Great Nation
October 2, 2002
By Hans Christian Brando
upon a time, in order to escape persecution from European
liberals, the great explorer Ronald Raegyn set out to discover
a New World. (Unbeknownst to the trusting Raegyn, his boat
was infested with stowaway liberals, holed up in the starboard
hold!) When he reached his goal, he discovered the land was
being squatted upon by savage redskins. The beneficent Raegyn
welcomed them to his land, even inviting them at a nominal
price to a sumptuous turkey-with-all-the-trimmings banquet.
The trouble began with that very meal. The liberals, of course,
balked at the redskins being charged admission (in fact, the
intolerant liberals even had a problem with Raegyn calling
them redskins!), but the sage and prudent Raegyn reminded
them that there was no free lunch: a government dole would
result in a moral decline; give them welfare and soon they'd
be driving around in Cadillacs. The pious Raegyn attempted
to lead the diners in Christian prayer. Again, the liberals
couldn't help making a fuss, and the patient Raegyn had to
remind them that accepting Jesus as one's sole lord and savior
- and expecting all others to do likewise - was not necessarily
an endorsement of any particular religion, merely good manners.
As for the term "redskins," it was the progressive Raegyn's
way of celebrating diversity. In fact, certain of Raegyn's
descendants rouged their own cheeks in tribute to this.
By the late eighteenth century, Ronald Raegyn and his heirs
had managed to colonize much of the continent. Witch-burning
being a powerful deterrent to crime, all ran smoothly until
the whiny liberals found something else to bitch about.
That notorious tax-and-spend Democrat, King William of Clyntonne
(known as George III for short), was making such a nuisance
of himself with Stamp Acts and Tea Acts that Ronald Raegyn's
great-great-great-great grandson Ronald Reaghinne was forced
to dispatch his faithful general George W. to recruit an Army.
Of course, a promised tax cut had to be tabled to pay for
increased defense, and did the liberals have a fit about that!
Mrs. Reaghinne, after her weekly consultation with her spiritist
(a toothless mammy named Hazel), warned her husband of imminent
invasion, so he set out his public relations man, Paul "Rush"
Revere, to warn the citizens in turn that the enemy was on
its way. (Revere, finding the airwaves dominated by liberals,
had to travel by horse.)
Because of the liberals' quibbling over the defense budget,
George W's inadequately supplied troops nearly perished at
Valley Forge. It was Christian spirit, and that alone, that
inspired the soldiers to Victory! As the witty Reaghinne remarked
as he turned over the command of the new country to W., "See
what you can accomplish with God and guns?" (In fact, "God
and Guns" was to be the nation's motto until - you guessed
it - the big-baby liberals, still carping that the dissected
"Don't Tread on Me" snake violated animals' rights, screamed
and yelled until a compromise had to be reached.)
As national spirit expanded, so did the need for space. In
1803 a large parcel of land was purchased from the anti-Semetic
French. Ronald Reighan, who masterminded the transaction,
was quoted as saying the French haggled so much on the price
that their anti-Semetism was kind of ironic under the circumstances.
That the humorless liberals were horrified by such a perfectly
innocent joke was just one example of "political correctness"
While the liberals indulged themselves in time-wasting activities
like save-the-trees rallies and Gay Pride - whatever that
was - parades, great pioneers like Ronald Raygin explored
the vast westward wilderness. Spurred on by Manifest Destiny
(translation: God meant for us to have this land, Tonto, so
out of the way), Raygin and his followers traversed the fields
in covered wagons which naturally got bigger and bigger until
Pioneer Utility Covered Wagons (PUCWs) became a familiar site
on those nascient highways. Always ready to make trouble,
the stubborn liberals - the only thing they were pushing
forward was their agenda - complained about the increased
horsepower needed to fuel these vehicles. The wise Raygin
had the perfect answer: "Don't be silly. What good are natural
resources unless they're used?"
Having reached the West Coast (almost literally on the backs
of braver men), the greedy liberals seemed to claim it as
their own. When gold was discovered in 1849, Ronald Rehgan
- House Speaker of the Pioneer Party - had hoped to use it
to balance the budget, which admittedly was in deficet at
the moment (it costs money to clear an entire continent, okay?),
as well as construct large, ornate palaces of worship on prime
tax-free real estate to celebrate the glory of God. But no,
the decadent liberals used the financial windfall to erect
pagan shrines to greed and excess. (Later, these would be
renamed casinos and movie studios.) Obscene "entertainments"
like can-can girls were imported from immoral Europe to entice
impressionable Christian boys into degenerate alternative
Meanwhile, back on the other coast, Northern liberals declared
war on Southern liberals who had decided that this country
wasn't good enough for them and were going to secede. The
war raged on even after a Republican president, at the suggestion
of Chief of Staff Ronald Reeghan, had freed the slaves, which
was the Northern liberals' beef in the first place (presumably,
it didn't happen soon enough to place them, but these things
took time, that's all).
And what was the Republican president's reward for freeing
the slaves? Like all culturally-minded conservatives (some
of whom eventually entering the performing arts, dominated
by liberals who could never resist showing off to a gullible
public), the Republican president one night attended the theatre,
which - before the uncooperative liberals succeeded in forcing
their views on others - was a smoke-friendly facility. One
little spark of live ash got one liberal audience member in
the orchestra section all upset. Nudging his neighbor, he
whined, "I think there's a fire."
"But look, a fire's starting. See the smoke?"
"Quiet, you," said his more courteous conservative neighbor.
"Hey, I got a right to talk. It's a free country."
"Free speech does not mean you can yell 'fire' in
a crowded theatre. Now shut up, I want to hear the play."
The impatient liberal could have doused the small
fire by dropping his playbill on it. But no, he probably
felt his "rights" were being violated. So up he jumped and
And John Wilkes Booth did. And that's the thanks the
Republican president got from the left-wing.
The end of the nineteeth century saw an industrial revolution
that the dishonest liberals took credit for when all they
did was complain that the factory smokestacks were polluting
the air and that the nonwhite workers, who were lucky to have
jobs at all, weren't getting paid enough. Supply-side politics
worked against them, however, and the country thrived on into
the twentieth century.
And what a time that was! Two world wars triumphantly
won, securely affirming this great nation's place as a World
Power, while the immature liberals prattled on about civil
rights and the environment and did their damndest to deliver
the country into the hands of the Godless Communists. In 1954,
the words "under God," which heretofore went without saying,
had to be added to the Pledge of Allegiance, just to set the
record straight. In 1965, while the debased liberals were
busy growing their hair and dodging the draft and doing the
go-go to devil music, true patriots marched into Vietnam and
won the war no matter what anybody says. In 1969, inspired
by the then-Governor of California, Our Boys reached the moon.
Things came to a glorious climax in the 1980s, the best of
times for all except a fringe minority of biological errors
who loosed a plague amongst themselves; the latest and greatest
descendant of founding father Ronald Raegyn found it best
simply to rise above them. Wholesome organizations like the
Billionaire Boys' Club and Jim Bakker's PTL ministry, betokening
the absolute best of the nation's spirit, flourished during
these happy days. Overcoming nearly four deacdes of liberal
bungling, the Leader of the Free World almost singlehandedly
ended the Cold War.
Not much happened in the twentieth century after that. Like
the details of an alleged sale of illegal arms to hostile
nations (typical irrelevant, out-of-context liberal propaganda!),
the Naughty Nineties are best forgotten: corrupt, scandal-ridden,
totally unlike the squeaky-clean previous decade. (The Savings
& Loan "incidents" were mere misunderstandings; these things
happen in big business.) The ecomony admittedly thrived during
this otherwise dark period in history, but we all know that
what happens in a current regime is the result of the efforts
of the previous regime. ("Well, doesn't that mean that
Jimmy Carter actually ended the Cold War? " asked a bumptious
liberal. No, it does not!)
After a rocky beginning, the twenty-first century began promisingly
with the approval of government-funded vouchers that allowed
children to attend God school. (Now there are no others.)
Healing the defiled Ground Zero, as well as sending a powerful
message to our enemies overseas, took place in the form of
the 180-story upraised middle finger that was constructed
on the former World Trade Center site. This great nation became
what it was meant to become, a place where neighbors worked
and prayed and cared about each other; vigilantly, in fact.
Since the adoption of the Eunice Stone Act, which rewards
patriotism with - among other incentives - the inclusion of
"eavesdropping" as a category for Nobel Prize consideration,
outmoded, bourgeois liberal notions like "privacy" ceased
to be an issue; discarded along with other out-of-date liberal
concepts like "evolution" and "global warming." The liberal-dominated
press has been abolished and a new supernewspaper, The
Reaganland Times, published with the commitment to supply
the public with fair and balanced absolute truth. The
John Birch Society was disbanded as being too hip.
Strictly-enforced standards of decency have driven filth-wielding
liberals from the world of art. No longer are God-fearing
citizens subject to lewd and sacrilegious "works" such as
that life-size study of the Apostle Paul sculpted from bear
excrement and titled Winnie the Poo which won all those
awards that one terrible year. Because we are a peace-loving
nation - despite what jealous, racist, liberal other countries
say - war with Italy (all the nude statues they have over
there undermine global morals) was narrowly averted when it
was remembered that the Vatican is there, too: Catholics are
almost Christians and as such deserving of protection.
Extramarital intimacy have become unheard-of, owing to the
passage of long-overdue legislation. Childless marriages are
voided after two years, the couples involved registered as
sex offenders. Even with no surveillance image to prove it
(in these modern times, television watches you), it
is assumed that the couple is engaging in sexual conduct illegally
for nonprocreative purposes.
The rights of all are respected now, primarily those of the
unborn. Abortion "doctors" have been "given a dose of their
own 'medicine'." Bible passages are injected weekly into the
womb; a child must be able to quote at least two Scriptures
in order to be born. Thus is religious freedom preserved.
(This has, of course, extended gestation periods a bit. As
a Mrs. P. Keeper of Sepulpa, Oklahoma, put it when interviewed
by Fox News during the seventeenth month of her pregnancy:
"It is kind of uncomfortable. But it's best this way. And
I'm sure that, the longer I carry my precious gift from God
Almighty, the closer our bond will eventually be. I just take
a swig of Maalox and remind myself, 'What Would Jesus Do if
he got pregnant?'") Of course, liberal mothers, talented
in the "art" of ventriloquism, have been known to cheat. But
the newborn child invariably gives the cheating mother away
by crying while she tries to throw her voice in a poor imitation
of a baby's sweet voice; the mother is reprimanded and fined,
and then it's back to the womb until the child gets it right
on his or her own.
Liberals who value their lives so little that they engage
in irresponsible behavior like using public walkways without
exercising their right to bear arms quickly learn the true
meaning of citizenship. (What can you do with individuals
who don't give a damn about personal safety?)
Best of all, we got the word gay back!
Rest assured that the following years will continue to restore
order to chaos, common sense to political posturing, vanquish
the nation's enemies and secure her borders (the ambiguous
prose at the base of the Statue of Liberty has been clarified
to read: PLEASE CHECK ALL BAGS AT FRONT DESK BEFORE ENTERING),
deliver us back to the intentions of our Founding Fathers
(who, studies have proven, were all virgins until marriage
and completely celibate when away from their wives for months
on end), and put the liberals in their place once and for
Hans Christian Brando
California Detention Camp
Christian States of Reaganland
Hans Christian Brando is alleged to be responsible for the
stories compiled by Kevin Dawson in the collection Bedtime
Stories for Insomniacs, published in 2002 by iUniverse, Inc.
Web site http://insomniacs.bizland.com