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Belgians
Lead Push for Regime Change in America
September 24, 2002
By Phil Lebovits
Spurred by reports of an aggressive military build-up and
failure to reign in corporate terrorists, the government of
Belgium is pressing for a preemptive strike against the regime
of George W. Bush.
"We cannot sit idly by and eat our delicious chocolates while
the United States government engages in a policy of harassment,"
Belgian Prime Minister Guy Verhofstadt said in a nationally-televised
address to the Belgian people. "Now is the time for action.
We cannot waffle."
Recent reports from Belgian intelligence sources indicate
that the United States is now in possession of weapons of
mass destruction chemical, biological and nuclear. "We know
that the United States has nuclear weapons and that they have
actually used them in the past," intoned the Prime Minister."
There is no reason to think they will not use them in the
future."
Verhofstadt is insisting that United Nations weapon inspectors
be given "unfettered access to the massive stockpiles" of
weapons, and that they be destroyed immediately.
"We stand at the crossroads," pleaded Verhofstadt. "Either
the United States agrees to our demands, or we will be forced
to put down our delicious chocolates and lead the way for
permanent regime change. Remember, my dear Walloons, the current
clique in Washington was elected in direct contravention of
the will of the American people. Regime change will be welcomed
by their citizens."
Reaction to the speech throughout Europe was swift.
"We stand with our Belgian brothers," offered French President
Jacques Chirac. "France is willing to commit thirty-five troops
and many cases of fine champagne to the cause. We cannot stand
on the sidelines enjoying our delicious baguettes while our
comrades from Antwerp go it alone. Let me assure the dear
Prime Minister. France is with you, almost."
Russian President Vladimir Putin did not mince any words.
"Again, it is the powerful Belgians who must lead the world
against aggression and American hegemony. Russia stands with
her European allies and insists that the United States disarm
unilaterally. I only wish we too had delicious foods."
Following the speech, the mood at the White House was one
of defiance. "Let the Belgians make their empty threats,"
said White House spokesman Ari Fleischer. "We are urging Hershey's
and Mars and other fine American chocolate makers to increase
their yummy output by two-hundred percent in the coming weeks.
We intend to break up the evil-doing Belgian chocolate cartel
once and for all."
Vice President Dick Cheney was even more bellicose. Speaking
directly underneath Karl Rove from an undisclosed underground
bunker, the Vice President warned of dire consequences should
Belgium make a preemptive strike. "We are prepared to strike
back with alarming force," said Cheney. "The Belgians cannot
bully us. They may be the world's only superpower, but we
here in America have Allah on our side. To hell with their
delicious chocolate treats."
Verhofstadt, while unyielding in tone and substance, did
offer the Americans a plausible way out. "I call upon George
W. Bush to capture Sheik Kenneth Lay, Imam Dennis Kozlowski,
and the entire Worldcom terrorist organization, and to hand
them over to an international tribunal. The United States
can no longer harbor agents of terrorism. You are either with
us or against us."
Back in Washington, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and National
Security Advisor Condaleeza Rice were trying eagerly to persuade
President Bush that there was indeed a country named Belgium.
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