September 21, 2002
reminders to all Americans that they need to, to watch what
they say, watch what they do..." Ari Fleischer
Sorry, Ari, but if it's okay with you, I'm about to use up
about two cents worth of my First Amendment rights -- what
is left of them, anyway. See, you guys keep reminding us that
we're at war, and we have to make sacrifices like our civil
rights, so I'm not sure if I have two cents worth left. But
the last (and current) war was such a hoot, I want to talk
a little about the one you guys are in such a hurry to get
us into next.
Anyway, it looks like we're going to teach Saddam a lesson,
come hell or high water.
Never mind that we still may not have taught Osama bin Forgotten
his lesson. It looks like he not only could run, but he could
hide, too -- if he's still alive. We don't know because we
never found him. Heck, most of the time, we don't even know
where Dick Cheney is. OJ will find the real killer before
we find Osama.
Osama hasn't been as much fun as we thought, so our attention
has wandered from rootin' out 'terra' in Afghanistan.
So, it looks like the Attention Deficit Administration is
just going to go get us a new playmate. And besides, midterm
elections are right around the corner. We can't let the election
be about anything like corporate corruption, or the sinking
economy, or rising unemployment, so it's time to roll out
Operation: Change The Subject.
Bush's approval ratings had started circling the drain just
before That Really Awful Thing That Happened Here Last Year.
But Boy George put on his Superman cape, stuck out his jaw,
and read most of his lines well enough to get his numbers
back up. He was the same guy as before, it was just his packaging
that improved. His numbers went up because people liked the
way he handled the war on terror -- as if he were personally
sending Muslims to meet Allah up close and personal. When
the war plans were being made, it's more likely that what
happened was something like this:
Rumsfeld: Look Georgie, the grownups are trying to talk here.
Just go sit over there and have some of these pretzels, someone
will come by in a little while, and then you can play that
cute little "pull my finger" trick that cracks you up so much.
Forget that we can't link Saddam to the terrorist attacks.
Forget that attacking Iraq would divert resources from tracking
down the ones who were responsible for the attacks last year.
Forget that the real victims of an attack in Iraq would be
ordinary citizens who were just as innocent as the victims
of 9/11. Forget that Saddam probably wouldn't be in power
in the first place if not for the United States. Forget that
pretty much nobody wants to help us pull off Operation: Neighborhood
Bully. Forget all the other considerations against whupping
up on Iraq being brought up by people a lot smarter than me
from all over the world. We have got to thump this Hussein
chump, and we have got to do it right now.
Besides the hawks in the administration who never have fought
in the military, oil companies want to see this war happen.
The ones who seem to be making the best case for caution are
people who actually are or have been in the military. Could
it be that having seen war up close, they know a bit more
about how horrific it really is? Or maybe they just don't
own oil company stock.
And some of the other old-timers like Brent Scowcroft think
a war in Iraq would be a bad idea because it would undermine
the war on terror, the war that most people believe is a legitimate
one. When you even have Dick Armey disagreeing with the administration,
it's time to start looking for the other Six Signs that the
end is near. You know something just doesn't smell right about
what we're going to do. Colin Powell has been probably the
most sane voice coming from the Bush, Inc. team, but with
this crew, that's a pretty low hurdle; kind of like being
the best actor on Gilligan's Island.
This week, Saddam has offered to let inspectors into Iraq,
but even though Bush went to the U.N. last week and said that
was a condition for keeping us from vaporizing Bagdad, now
the administration is saying that's not enough. They are hell-bent
on attacking anyway, no matter what.
So, Saddam, it looks like no matter what, you are going to
have a fight on your hands. You haven't returned any of my
calls, so I have to hope my advice reaches you this way.
If you want to avoid another Patriot missile enema, there
is only one way you can do it. As soon as possible, you have
got to pony up a huge wad of dough and contribute it to Bush's
re-election campaign. We know he takes care of the people
that line GOP pockets -- ask Kenny Boy Lay if you don't believe
me. He can walk you through it. It's your only chance, and
it's worked for so many others who are just as evil as you
Who knows? You might even get to sleep over in the Lincoln