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Wargasms
September 21, 2002
By Isaac

"They're reminders to all Americans that they need to, to watch what they say, watch what they do..." Ari Fleischer

Sorry, Ari, but if it's okay with you, I'm about to use up about two cents worth of my First Amendment rights -- what is left of them, anyway. See, you guys keep reminding us that we're at war, and we have to make sacrifices like our civil rights, so I'm not sure if I have two cents worth left. But the last (and current) war was such a hoot, I want to talk a little about the one you guys are in such a hurry to get us into next.

Anyway, it looks like we're going to teach Saddam a lesson, come hell or high water.

Never mind that we still may not have taught Osama bin Forgotten his lesson. It looks like he not only could run, but he could hide, too -- if he's still alive. We don't know because we never found him. Heck, most of the time, we don't even know where Dick Cheney is. OJ will find the real killer before we find Osama.

Osama hasn't been as much fun as we thought, so our attention has wandered from rootin' out 'terra' in Afghanistan.

So, it looks like the Attention Deficit Administration is just going to go get us a new playmate. And besides, midterm elections are right around the corner. We can't let the election be about anything like corporate corruption, or the sinking economy, or rising unemployment, so it's time to roll out Operation: Change The Subject.

Bush's approval ratings had started circling the drain just before That Really Awful Thing That Happened Here Last Year. But Boy George put on his Superman cape, stuck out his jaw, and read most of his lines well enough to get his numbers back up. He was the same guy as before, it was just his packaging that improved. His numbers went up because people liked the way he handled the war on terror -- as if he were personally sending Muslims to meet Allah up close and personal. When the war plans were being made, it's more likely that what happened was something like this:

Rumsfeld: Look Georgie, the grownups are trying to talk here. Just go sit over there and have some of these pretzels, someone will come by in a little while, and then you can play that cute little "pull my finger" trick that cracks you up so much.

Forget that we can't link Saddam to the terrorist attacks. Forget that attacking Iraq would divert resources from tracking down the ones who were responsible for the attacks last year. Forget that the real victims of an attack in Iraq would be ordinary citizens who were just as innocent as the victims of 9/11. Forget that Saddam probably wouldn't be in power in the first place if not for the United States. Forget that pretty much nobody wants to help us pull off Operation: Neighborhood Bully. Forget all the other considerations against whupping up on Iraq being brought up by people a lot smarter than me from all over the world. We have got to thump this Hussein chump, and we have got to do it right now.

Besides the hawks in the administration who never have fought in the military, oil companies want to see this war happen. The ones who seem to be making the best case for caution are people who actually are or have been in the military. Could it be that having seen war up close, they know a bit more about how horrific it really is? Or maybe they just don't own oil company stock.

And some of the other old-timers like Brent Scowcroft think a war in Iraq would be a bad idea because it would undermine the war on terror, the war that most people believe is a legitimate one. When you even have Dick Armey disagreeing with the administration, it's time to start looking for the other Six Signs that the end is near. You know something just doesn't smell right about what we're going to do. Colin Powell has been probably the most sane voice coming from the Bush, Inc. team, but with this crew, that's a pretty low hurdle; kind of like being the best actor on Gilligan's Island.

This week, Saddam has offered to let inspectors into Iraq, but even though Bush went to the U.N. last week and said that was a condition for keeping us from vaporizing Bagdad, now the administration is saying that's not enough. They are hell-bent on attacking anyway, no matter what.

So, Saddam, it looks like no matter what, you are going to have a fight on your hands. You haven't returned any of my calls, so I have to hope my advice reaches you this way.

If you want to avoid another Patriot missile enema, there is only one way you can do it. As soon as possible, you have got to pony up a huge wad of dough and contribute it to Bush's re-election campaign. We know he takes care of the people that line GOP pockets -- ask Kenny Boy Lay if you don't believe me. He can walk you through it. It's your only chance, and it's worked for so many others who are just as evil as you are.

Who knows? You might even get to sleep over in the Lincoln bedroom.

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