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Are You Ready To RUUUMMMMMBLE?
September 19, 2002
By Sheila Samples

People who regularly observe George Bush say his rhetoric is sometimes marked by delirium - a state of extreme mental excitement, restlessness, confused speech and hallucinations. I can't argue with that, given the spate of Bushisms, impulsive proclamations and kaleidoscopic "visions" with which he continues to frighten and entertain us.

But when it comes to real insanity - the uncontrollably wild excitement of frightening, violent hallucinations, no one - not even George Bush - can hold a candle to the delirium tremens of the entire "girlie-boy" warmongering gang over at the National Review.

The most delirous of this pack is economist Lawrence Kudlow - multi-millionnaire, NR's Economics Editor and a regular pundit on John McLaughlin Sunday Freak Show. Kudlow views the whole of existance through a glittering stock-market prism. And, right now, he's alarmed by the continuing market slump. He grudgingly admits that some of our economic woes might be the result of a teeny-weeny bit of corporate corruption and dishonest accounting practices, but that's not what agitates him. It's much worse than that. He believes the single biggest problem facing the stock market - nay, the entire nation - is the fact that we're not already engaged in all-out global war.

Kudlow says we must have war and we must have it NOW, because nothing but all-out war will "elevate the stock market by a couple-thousand points." He says if we can just get on with it, we'll "know that our businesses will stay open, that our families will be safe, and that our future will be unlimited. The world will be righted in this life-and-death struggle to preserve our values and our civilization."

So, for months, Kudlow has not only been pleading for war, he's been demanding it. In late June, he even wrote an NR commentary wherein he advocated taking the market back - by force. Our spirits are low, Kudlow says. We are no longer filled with the pulsing karmic euphoria that surrounded our successful foray into Afghanistan where dear God oh yes victory was ours and we were free to inflict unimagined pain and devastation on an entire country under the guise of finding and destroying Osama bin Laden who is not a man at all but is Evil Incarnate - unfindable and undestroyable.

Kudlow giddily praises Bush for "correctly delineating U.S. support for our democratic ally Israel, and just as clearly assigning the appropriate blame to Arafat's piece of the evil axis." Way to go, Larry. That'll show the world where we stand on the peace process in the Middle East as if it didn't already know and won't Alan Dershowitz be sooo proud. Speaking of Bush's convenient "axis," which seems to be the only way he can keep track of who's up next, Kudlow speculated that Bush wasn't just speaking to Iraq, Iran and North Korea. No siree - he was also giving the finger to Syria, Saudi Arabia, and what the hell throw in Egypt for good measure.

But these are nothing but mere words, and Kudlow has had it up to here with nothing but mere words in our "global and just war on terror." To buoy the market, Bush must act from the land, sea and air in a crescendo of fire to support all the fine principles of peace. There can be no hesitation, Kudlow says, beacause both bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are poised to do catastrophic mischief. Especially Hussein who, according to Kudlow, is a "loose end" left there by Poppy and don't you know that Americans have never liked loose ends especially when they are laughing maniacally while perched aloft on a stack of weapons of mass destruction...

Kudlow says what the world needs is decisive shock therapy - and who should know better than Kudlow - to revive the American spirit. Verily, our spirits will literally soar if we gather up all our sons and daughters who are at loose ends because they lost their jobs and don't have infected hair follicles on their asses or the money to say they have more important things to do - and just throw them full bore at Iraq. Like most of his warmongering peers on the right, Kudlow was able to avoid detection during Vietnam with bin Laden agility. But that doesn't stop them - or him - from mapping out really, really neat war plans for Bush and the hawks in the hood over at the defense department. Kudlow is the man with a plan - one deliciously designed to catapault all those who take it seriously straight into shock therapy.

"Why not begin with a large-scale special-forces commando raid on the Iraqi oil fields?" Kudlow asks with sheer grammar-school enthusiasm. He says this will send a shot across Saddam's bow - an electrifying signal to ALL terrorist nations." I couldn't agree with him more. That'll stir up the swarthy terrorist bastards for sure, and is guaranteed to get the undivided attention of all the non-terrorist nations as well. According to Kudlow, the sudden, shock-therapy assault will send a clear message that the game is up. "Surrender now or you will be crushed in a short while," he cried triumphantly.

Warming to his subject, Kudlow continued to unfold his diabolical plan. "Meanwhile, Saddam's cash flow can be cut off," he said. "Oil is his only crop - his single manufacture. Without money there will be nothing left to steal, and nothing to use to pay off his cronies." Hey - I hate to mess up a wart hog's - er, war hawk's - wet dream, but someone needs to ask Kudlow what he thinks Saddam Hussein and his Republican Guard are gonna be doing while all of this activity is going on. Think about it - if you can.

Meanwhile, after a break of "a couple of weeks," Kudlow recommends a final assault on Baghdad. No big thing - scarcely more than a street-gang rumble. In Kudlow's delirium tremens world, the coup d'etat against that civilian stronghold will be "led by fast-moving special forces and leather-toughened Marines, and assisted by high-tech precision bombs and air cover." Yep. He says that will "get the job done."

Hoo-boy. I have no further questions, Your Honor. I am slack-jawed at the vision of indestructable leather-toughened Marines, and of special forces so fleet of foot they can leap Stinger missiles at a single bound.

But wait - there's more! Kudlow shrugs aside the need for massive preparation. "All-out war mobilization is unnecessary," he assures us. "Iraq will fall with much less." Then, almost as an afterthought, Kudlow wraps up the whole ball of wax with, "At the same time, U.S. special forces must conduct a similar sweep to root out the bin Ladens and al Qaedas along the Pakistani/Afghan border." So there you have it. All neat and antiseptic and everything. Home in time for dinner.

All righty, then. Are you ready to RUUUMMMMMBLE? Fine. You go on ahead. I'm not comin' out until I hear that Scary Larry is buckled up in his straight jacket and headed for his next scheduled shock-therapy treatment.

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