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Are
You Ready To RUUUMMMMMBLE?
September 19, 2002
By Sheila Samples
 People
who regularly observe George Bush say his rhetoric is sometimes
marked by delirium - a state of extreme mental excitement,
restlessness, confused speech and hallucinations. I can't
argue with that, given the spate of Bushisms, impulsive proclamations
and kaleidoscopic "visions" with which he continues to frighten
and entertain us.
But when it comes to real insanity - the uncontrollably wild
excitement of frightening, violent hallucinations, no one
- not even George Bush - can hold a candle to the delirium
tremens of the entire "girlie-boy" warmongering gang over
at the National Review.
The most delirous of this pack is economist Lawrence Kudlow
- multi-millionnaire, NR's Economics Editor and a regular
pundit on John McLaughlin Sunday Freak Show. Kudlow views
the whole of existance through a glittering stock-market prism.
And, right now, he's alarmed by the continuing market slump.
He grudgingly admits that some of our economic woes might
be the result of a teeny-weeny bit of corporate corruption
and dishonest accounting practices, but that's not what agitates
him. It's much worse than that. He believes the single biggest
problem facing the stock market - nay, the entire nation -
is the fact that we're not already engaged in all-out global
war.
Kudlow says we must have war and we must have it NOW, because
nothing but all-out war will "elevate the stock market by
a couple-thousand points." He says if we can just get on with
it, we'll "know that our businesses will stay open, that our
families will be safe, and that our future will be unlimited.
The world will be righted in this life-and-death struggle
to preserve our values and our civilization."
So, for months, Kudlow has not only been pleading for war,
he's been demanding it. In late June, he even wrote an NR
commentary
wherein he advocated taking the market back - by force. Our
spirits are low, Kudlow says. We are no longer filled with
the pulsing karmic euphoria that surrounded our successful
foray into Afghanistan where dear God oh yes victory was ours
and we were free to inflict unimagined pain and devastation
on an entire country under the guise of finding and destroying
Osama bin Laden who is not a man at all but is Evil Incarnate
- unfindable and undestroyable.
Kudlow giddily praises Bush for "correctly delineating U.S.
support for our democratic ally Israel, and just as clearly
assigning the appropriate blame to Arafat's piece of the evil
axis." Way to go, Larry. That'll show the world where we stand
on the peace process in the Middle East as if it didn't already
know and won't Alan Dershowitz be sooo proud. Speaking of
Bush's convenient "axis," which seems to be the only way he
can keep track of who's up next, Kudlow speculated that Bush
wasn't just speaking to Iraq, Iran and North Korea. No siree
- he was also giving the finger to Syria, Saudi Arabia, and
what the hell throw in Egypt for good measure.
But these are nothing but mere words, and Kudlow has had
it up to here with nothing but mere words in our "global and
just war on terror." To buoy the market, Bush must act from
the land, sea and air in a crescendo of fire to support all
the fine principles of peace. There can be no hesitation,
Kudlow says, beacause both bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are
poised to do catastrophic mischief. Especially Hussein who,
according to Kudlow, is a "loose end" left there by Poppy
and don't you know that Americans have never liked loose ends
especially when they are laughing maniacally while perched
aloft on a stack of weapons of mass destruction...
Kudlow says what the world needs is decisive shock therapy
- and who should know better than Kudlow - to revive the American
spirit. Verily, our spirits will literally soar if we gather
up all our sons and daughters who are at loose ends because
they lost their jobs and don't have infected hair follicles
on their asses or the money to say they have more important
things to do - and just throw them full bore at Iraq. Like
most of his warmongering peers on the right, Kudlow was able
to avoid detection during Vietnam with bin Laden agility.
But that doesn't stop them - or him - from mapping out really,
really neat war plans for Bush and the hawks in the hood over
at the defense department. Kudlow is the man with a plan -
one deliciously designed to catapault all those who take it
seriously straight into shock therapy.
"Why not begin with a large-scale special-forces commando
raid on the Iraqi oil fields?" Kudlow asks with sheer grammar-school
enthusiasm. He says this will send a shot across Saddam's
bow - an electrifying signal to ALL terrorist nations." I
couldn't agree with him more. That'll stir up the swarthy
terrorist bastards for sure, and is guaranteed to get the
undivided attention of all the non-terrorist nations as well.
According to Kudlow, the sudden, shock-therapy assault will
send a clear message that the game is up. "Surrender now or
you will be crushed in a short while," he cried triumphantly.
Warming to his subject, Kudlow continued to unfold his diabolical
plan. "Meanwhile, Saddam's cash flow can be cut off," he said.
"Oil is his only crop - his single manufacture. Without money
there will be nothing left to steal, and nothing to use to
pay off his cronies." Hey - I hate to mess up a wart hog's
- er, war hawk's - wet dream, but someone needs to ask Kudlow
what he thinks Saddam Hussein and his Republican Guard are
gonna be doing while all of this activity is going on. Think
about it - if you can.
Meanwhile, after a break of "a couple of weeks," Kudlow recommends
a final assault on Baghdad. No big thing - scarcely more than
a street-gang rumble. In Kudlow's delirium tremens
world, the coup d'etat against that civilian stronghold will
be "led by fast-moving special forces and leather-toughened
Marines, and assisted by high-tech precision bombs and air
cover." Yep. He says that will "get the job done."
Hoo-boy. I have no further questions, Your Honor. I am slack-jawed
at the vision of indestructable leather-toughened Marines,
and of special forces so fleet of foot they can leap Stinger
missiles at a single bound.
But wait - there's more! Kudlow shrugs aside the need for
massive preparation. "All-out war mobilization is unnecessary,"
he assures us. "Iraq will fall with much less." Then, almost
as an afterthought, Kudlow wraps up the whole ball of wax
with, "At the same time, U.S. special forces must conduct
a similar sweep to root out the bin Ladens and al Qaedas along
the Pakistani/Afghan border." So there you have it. All neat
and antiseptic and everything. Home in time for dinner.
All righty, then. Are you ready to RUUUMMMMMBLE? Fine. You
go on ahead. I'm not comin' out until I hear that Scary Larry
is buckled up in his straight jacket and headed for his next
scheduled shock-therapy treatment.
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