Bush Back On Bottle?
September 13, 2002
By Doug Pibel

Some cheeky Brit, name of Mark Lawson, recently wondered in public if our Dear Leader mightn't be back on the juice. Odd, that, since I've been wondering the same. Lawson recalls the pretzel incident, which many of us thought had a distinct aroma of bourbon to it, and refers to the Dear Leader's recent ramblings about "crawfishing" and "stiffing the world." The latter struck me more as examples of George trying once again to pretend that Andover, Yale and Harvard are pretty much suburbs of Houston.

The question of George's sobriety came to me from having the misfortune of hearing a couple of sound bites. I listen to the BBC, which is available on my local NPR station late at night (when they think no one is listening). Being a news service, after all, they occasionally think some of George's words are newsworthy, and I find myself being so assaulted. Young George is one notch more Texan than his Connecticut daddy, and many notches less articulate than that prior murderer of the common tongue. I've never been able to stand to listen to him.

But on two recent occasions, my immediate reaction - and this is particular to these times - was, "The sucker's so drunk, he's slurring." I know slurring when I hear it. One of the times was when he emerged from his meeting with King Abdullah of Jordan, and held forth about something called, "My aminnishrashun." This was beyond, and quite distinct from, his usual level of inarticulation.

Now, I know that George is born-again, and sober as he can be. I also know that if you ask any gathering of recovering alcoholics, they can regale you with endless tales of how a dedicated drunk can define "sober" in the most startling ways.

By and large, I don't particularly give a hoot if a guy wants to knock back a few, just to relax. But this particular guy has sworn up and down that he put the plug in the jug. There's also this little matter that he's the nominal leader of the free world.

Back when Ulysses S. Grant was chugging moonshine in the Oval Office, there really was a limit to the havoc he could wreak. These days, a guy in a drunken blackout could get a wild hair to see just what reeeally happens when ya push that red button.

So I'm a little concerned. I've got cause to be. I guarantee you that if you get pulled over by a cop and start talking about your "aminnishrashun," he'll think he's got probable cause for a little further investigation.

These days, we're really open to that sort of thing anyway. We think drug and alcohol abuse is a serious enough problem that we can make high-school kids get tested before we let them join the debate club. Employers can require their employees to submit to tests as a condition of employment.

Come to think about it, even though George seems to think he's the boss, last I heard, the Constitution said that he's our employee.

Here ya go, Mr. Bush. Pee in the cup.