Back On Bottle?
September 13, 2002
By Doug Pibel
cheeky Brit, name of Mark Lawson, recently wondered
in public if our Dear Leader mightn't be back on the juice.
Odd, that, since I've been wondering the same. Lawson recalls
the pretzel incident, which many of us thought had a distinct
aroma of bourbon to it, and refers to the Dear Leader's recent
ramblings about "crawfishing" and "stiffing the world." The
latter struck me more as examples of George trying once again
to pretend that Andover, Yale and Harvard are pretty much
suburbs of Houston.
The question of George's sobriety came to me from having
the misfortune of hearing a couple of sound bites. I listen
to the BBC, which is available on my local NPR station late
at night (when they think no one is listening). Being a news
service, after all, they occasionally think some of George's
words are newsworthy, and I find myself being so assaulted.
Young George is one notch more Texan than his Connecticut
daddy, and many notches less articulate than that prior murderer
of the common tongue. I've never been able to stand to listen
But on two recent occasions, my immediate reaction - and
this is particular to these times - was, "The sucker's so
drunk, he's slurring." I know slurring when I hear it. One
of the times was when he emerged from his meeting with King
Abdullah of Jordan, and held forth about something called,
"My aminnishrashun." This was beyond, and quite distinct from,
his usual level of inarticulation.
Now, I know that George is born-again, and sober as he can
be. I also know that if you ask any gathering of recovering
alcoholics, they can regale you with endless tales of how
a dedicated drunk can define "sober" in the most startling
By and large, I don't particularly give a hoot if a guy wants
to knock back a few, just to relax. But this particular guy
has sworn up and down that he put the plug in the jug. There's
also this little matter that he's the nominal leader of the
Back when Ulysses S. Grant was chugging moonshine in the
Oval Office, there really was a limit to the havoc he could
wreak. These days, a guy in a drunken blackout could get a
wild hair to see just what reeeally happens when ya push that
So I'm a little concerned. I've got cause to be. I guarantee
you that if you get pulled over by a cop and start talking
about your "aminnishrashun," he'll think he's got probable
cause for a little further investigation.
These days, we're really open to that sort of thing anyway.
We think drug and alcohol abuse is a serious enough problem
that we can make high-school kids get tested before we let
them join the debate club. Employers can require their employees
to submit to tests as a condition of employment.
Come to think about it, even though George seems to think
he's the boss, last I heard, the Constitution said that he's
Here ya go, Mr. Bush. Pee in the cup.