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Senate Rejects Bush Pick for Court
September 12, 2002
By Michael Barry

Senate Rejects Bush pick for Court - "We realized it was just John Ashcroft in Drag"

WASHINGTON, Sept. 12 - The Senate Judiciary Committee rejected President Bush's choice for a federal appeals court post today, after realizing that the nominee, Priscilla R. Owen, was in fact Attorney General John Ashcroft in drag.

"We understand that the Bush Administration wants to pack the court with right-wing ideologues", said Senator Charles E. Schumer, Democrat of New York, "but this is ridiculous."

Other members of The Senate Judiciary Committee reacted the same way, claiming they'd been fooled for a while, but eventually caught on.

"What a waste of time", said Senator Dianne Feinstein, Democrat of California, "I mean, it's not like we haven't given them practically everything they wanted. Do they have to pull this crap, too?"

Senator Feinstein was particularly miffed, having complimented the AG's dress during the hearing's opening day.

"I thought it was a nice print. Now I feel like an idiot."

Not all the Sentors objected to the AG's charade. Senator Orrin G. Hatch of Utah, the committee's ranking Republican, said that just because "Ms. Owen" was the current AG in a dress was no reason for Democrats to oppose "her" nomination.

"This is yet another outrageous attempt by Democrats to try to control the Judiciary. So what if it's Ashcroft in drag? We've appointed MUCH weirder judges and no one said a word!"

Senator Mitch McConnell, Republican of Kentucky, added "This was nothing. You should have seen him at the RNC Christmas party."

The White House, perhaps weary of being seen too closely aligned with the AG's clandestine effort to have himself named to the federal appeals court, today issued the following statement through press secretary Ari Fleischer:

"The White House would like to make it clear that despite the attempts of some in Congress and the media to shift attention away from the pressing need to appoint judges to the many vacancies on the bench, the President is firm in his committment to cut taxes, invade Iraq, and drill for oil in Alaska. No questions."

The attorney general himself was unavailable for comment, but the Justice Department did issue a statement late this afternoon:

"Given the history of cross-dressing in Federal Law Enforcement, this incident should be seen in perspective. The AG was attempting to continue to fight terrorism at home and abroad in everyway imaginable, and you should all just forget about it and go home. Besides, why all of a sudden are you liberals so upset? I thought you liked this sort of thing."

The statement, while on Justice Department letterhead, was signed only, "Veronica".

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