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Lynne Cheney's Missing Memo
August 27, 2002
By Christian Dewar

In an amazing coincidence, this memo was found by writer Christian Dewar in the exact, same, location as Karl Rove's misplaced Power Point Presentation. It is suspected that it may have been 'lost' by a disgruntled, low level worker in the Bush White House. Experts have determined that it is most likely genuine.

Memo

From: Lynne Cheney, American Council of Trustees and Alumni.
To: Bill Bennett, Americans for Victory Over Terrorism.
Re: Academics, Civil Libertarians and other Traitors who Aid Terrorists, Erode our National Unity and Diminish our Resolve.
cc: Frank Gaffney, Woolsley, Ashcroft, Norquist, Rove, Gingrich.

Dear Bill:

In order to better promote Western Civilization and American Culture and to persevere over The Axis-of-Evil, Terrorists, Al Qaeda, Marin County Hot-Tubbers, Evil Doers, Liberals, The Taliban, Progressives and the Fifth Columnists in the Senate Majority, it is my belief that we need to stamp out the remnants of craven dissent among 'Blame America Firsters'.

Obviously indoctrinated by the endless viewing of pirated Bin Laden videos with their subliminal messages, these Limp-Wristed, Pink-Tutu wearing, Hanky-Waving, Ivory Towered, Nattering-Nabobs of Academia have, once again, shown themselves to be Quislings in the 'War on Terrorism'.

It is clear that our nation's enemies, posing as college professors, seek to defame Our Nation's Churchill by their inferences of ineptitude. They attempt to smear our nation's new Lincoln with prevarications, misquotes and false accusations of cronyism and corporate back-scratching. They have perpetrated untruths about Our Conquering Hero's valor on 911 and have spewed lies regarding his attendance at the Texas National Guard. They have created out of whole-cloth, distortions of his ties to Enron and the role Kenny played in writing our country's energy policies.

Their collaborators in the Liberal Media have played a role in besmirching POTUS with sensationalized, alleged reports of supposed verbal gaffes. Their conspirators in the International Press have even fabricated reports with digitally enhanced video supposedly showing George Bush spitting gum into his hand prior to meeting a foreign head of state.

Outlandish, defamatory assertions by socialists among our supposed 'intelligentsia' which claim that George Bush asked the president of Brazil whether there were any blacks in his country have continued to provide moral support to Al Qaeda terrorists. These so-called 'Academics', (purporting to be Americans) are poisoning our children's minds with books and articles, clearly actionable, that suggest the Florida election was stolen by republicans!

Half-truths and innuendo have been circulated by pipe-smoking, ivory-towered liberal arts types that try to tar Our President and Dick with bogus claims that we had declared war on the Taliban before 911 because they wouldn't cooperate with the construction of our pipeline. These people will stop at nothing to bring republicans to our knees!

In conjunction with John Ashcroft and the Heritage Foundation, we have researched the legality of military tribunals for these communists and, it is our opinion that we have a strong legal argument for incarcerating these pinkos from our country's universities. Ken Starr and Ted Olson have informed me that there is legal precedent for labeling these traitors as 'Enemy Combatants' and then summarily executing them after a fair military tribunal.

Ken, Ted and Ashcroft are of the opinion that we can begin to transport these so-called 'scholars' to navy brigs immediately! If the seditious Democrats and their allies at the ACLU somehow receive spinal transplants and challenge us, we plan to appeal. (With Rehnquist, Scalia, Thomas and O'Connor on our side, it doesn't take Miss Cleo to divine how that one is going to play out. Ha Ha.)

Ann Coulter and the 'Elves' from Olson's Arkansas Project also believe we have the law on our side for this one. Ann has informed me that she would like to become personally involved in the execution of any swarthy male professors.

In order to stymie the Benedict Arnolds in America's colleges and universities who fail to demonstrate sufficient patriotism in Our President's crusade against the heathens, I have created a guideline by which to better identify these back-stabbing, tweed-wearing traitors.

It is obvious that these turncoats can be immediately identified by any criticism of our Commander-in-Chief. Any repetition of verbal gaffes supposedly made by POTUS should be grounds for incarceration at Club Guantanamo; or if impractical, in a kennel at the nearest SPCA. These comments would include any recitation of our President's misinterpreted remarks such as, "I know how hard it is to put food on one's family."

Any comparisons with Dan Qualye should immediately raise suspicions, as well as other words and phrases such as 'deer in the headlights', 'Grecians', 'Kosovarians', etc. Violators of these guidelines and all humorists should be immediate referred to Ashcroft or deported to any of our allies that condone and endorse the use of torture.

Similarly, references in books or treatises to chronic drunkenness, cocaine addiction, marijuana binges, Xanax abuse, George, Jenna, Barbara and Noelle should be considered aiding and abetting our enemies.

Scurrilous hearsay about Jeb's family members and stalking, public sex, forged prescriptions, smuggling through U.S. Customs and other signs of American Taliban inspired propaganda scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty and aid terrorists. It should be immediately reported by all utility workers, cable installers, UPS drivers, Avon sales reps, Moonies and others recruited into the TIPs program.

Mention of POTUS and the Texas National Guard in the same sentence or paragraph using words such as 'favoritism', 'pull', 'draft and/or dodge', 'absences and/or unexplained', 'AWOL', 'drug tests' and 'loss of flight privileges' are immediately suspect.

Likewise, libelous statements as to Dick's five deferments from service in Vietnam along with those of Wolfowitz, Perle, Gaffney, Bennett, Kemp, Limbaugh, Delay, Graham, Armey, Lott, Limbaugh, etc., serve no purpose except to undermine our efforts to bomb Iraq back into prehistoric Mesopotamia.

The FBI's Echelon or Carnivore intercepts and electronic surveillance by the NSA will help to smoke these terrorists our of their class rooms. After incarceration in the teacher's lounge at Gitmo Community College, these miscreants will be read their rights and assigned a public defender. (NOT! Ha Ha!)

Lexis/Nexis internet searches should also be conducted to locate references to Our Great Leader and the proximity to incendiary words such as 'dynasty', 'nepotism', 'cronyism', 'Harken and/or scam', 'Arbusto and/or El Busto', 'investor and/or Bin Laden Family', 'insider and/or trading', 'callow', 'ignoramus', 'moron', etc.

Internet searches should also be conducted to ascertain mention of my husband, Dick, and words such as 'bigot and/or Affirmative Action', 'racist and/or Apartheid, 'fascist and/or Mandela', 'chicken and/or hawk', 'Pro-life', 'Cop-Killer Bullets', 'insider and/or trader', should like-wise be considered the acts of an 'Enemy Combatant' and will subject the author to a secret jury trial of his peers from the John Birch Society before he is hanged until death.

References to True Patriot John Ashcroft including words such as 'religiously and/or insane', 'Crisco and/or anoint', 'calico cat and/or Emissary of Satin', 'misogynist', 'Hitler and/or sissy', 'Bob Jones University and/or homophobe,', 'anti-semite', 'Southern Partisan and/or racist', NRA and/or plowshares', etc., likewise call for Death by a Thousand Cuts.

Allusions to Bush using words such as 'sock and/or puppet', 'shill and/or Enron', 'front man and/or corporate looters', 'cut-out', 'dummy and/or ventriloquist', are immediate grounds for attaching electrodes to parts of these leftist professor's anatomy best covered up with blue drapes by Ashcroft.

In the same vein, references to the events of 9/11 and Our Fearless Leader's behavior on that day should be screened for descriptive words, metaphors, similes and phrases such as 'coward', 'scared and/or bunny', 'craven', 'out of harms way', or any sentence ending in the word 'shitless'. Any intellectual snob using such words will find themselves immediately matriculating at the University of Guantanamo.

It is my belief that Mullah Omar has sought to demoralize American Fighting Spirit by undermining our faith in the All-American Defense Industry. Certain articles and reports on patriotic corporations such as Carlyle, Boeing, Lockheed, GE, etc., can immediately be recognized as enemy propaganda.

References to these loyal military contractors in academic treatises are clearly treasonous if they contain misleading terms such as 'boondoggle', 'cronyism' 'gravy and/or train', 'gouging', 'Halliburton and/or fraud', 'Crusader and/or obsolete', 'toilet seat and/or gold', 'profiteer', 'merchant and/or death', 'Star Wars Tests and/or rigged', 'Osprey and/or fiery crash', 'anthrax vacine and/or Gulf War Syndrome', Depleted Uranium and/or Lou Gehrig's Disease', 'Agent Orange and/or cancer', etc.

In the same vein, half-truths and derogatory slander regarding Halliburton and the sale of millions of dollars of equipment to Iraq and Iran is clearly grounds for holding these back- stabbing swine in small cages where they can be poked with sharp sticks, as are defamatory accusations of the sale of nuclear pulse generators to Libya.

Recent attempts to smear the business dealings of Our President, Dickie and Kenny by seditious academics have played into the hands of Evil Doers. We are requesting that Ashcroft immediate administer truth serum and compassionate beatings to Paul Krugman, Molly Ivins, the staff of The Nation and other communists in the liberal press, after which they will receive their choice of either a cigarette or a blindfold.

The scribbling of these elite intellectual snobs should be scrutinized for any duplicitous accusations about our campaign contributors using such words as 'Cayman Islands', 'Bermuda', 'tax and/or avoidance', 'fall and/or guy', 'stock and/or options', etc. Appeals can be made to a panel appointed by Justice Sentelle consisting of Ken Starr, Robert Ray, Ted Olson, Asa Hutchinson and Clarence Thomas, after which the electric shocks will be administered.

It is time that we give these pointy-headed liberal professors and academics tenure for life at the University of Gitmo. After we are through with these traitors and their 'Fellow Travelers', maybe they will learn to enjoy their sabbaticals at FEMA provided internment camps.

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