Cheney's Missing Memo
August 27, 2002
By Christian Dewar
In an amazing coincidence, this memo was found by writer
Christian Dewar in the exact, same, location as Karl Rove's
misplaced Power Point Presentation. It is suspected that it
may have been 'lost' by a disgruntled, low level worker in
the Bush White House. Experts have determined that it is most
From: Lynne Cheney, American Council of Trustees and
To: Bill Bennett, Americans for Victory Over Terrorism.
Re: Academics, Civil Libertarians and other Traitors
who Aid Terrorists, Erode our National Unity and Diminish
Frank Gaffney, Woolsley, Ashcroft, Norquist, Rove, Gingrich.
to better promote Western Civilization and American Culture
and to persevere over The Axis-of-Evil, Terrorists, Al Qaeda,
Marin County Hot-Tubbers, Evil Doers, Liberals, The Taliban,
Progressives and the Fifth Columnists in the Senate Majority,
it is my belief that we need to stamp out the remnants of
craven dissent among 'Blame America Firsters'.
indoctrinated by the endless viewing of pirated Bin Laden
videos with their subliminal messages, these Limp-Wristed,
Pink-Tutu wearing, Hanky-Waving, Ivory Towered, Nattering-Nabobs
of Academia have, once again, shown themselves to be Quislings
in the 'War on Terrorism'.
It is clear
that our nation's enemies, posing as college professors, seek
to defame Our Nation's Churchill by their inferences of ineptitude.
They attempt to smear our nation's new Lincoln with prevarications,
misquotes and false accusations of cronyism and corporate
back-scratching. They have perpetrated untruths about Our
Conquering Hero's valor on 911 and have spewed lies regarding
his attendance at the Texas National Guard. They have created
out of whole-cloth, distortions of his ties to Enron and the
role Kenny played in writing our country's energy policies.
in the Liberal Media have played a role in besmirching POTUS
with sensationalized, alleged reports of supposed verbal gaffes.
Their conspirators in the International Press have even fabricated
reports with digitally enhanced video supposedly showing George
Bush spitting gum into his hand prior to meeting a foreign
head of state.
defamatory assertions by socialists among our supposed 'intelligentsia'
which claim that George Bush asked the president of Brazil
whether there were any blacks in his country have continued
to provide moral support to Al Qaeda terrorists. These so-called
'Academics', (purporting to be Americans) are poisoning our
children's minds with books and articles, clearly actionable,
that suggest the Florida election was stolen by republicans!
and innuendo have been circulated by pipe-smoking, ivory-towered
liberal arts types that try to tar Our President and Dick
with bogus claims that we had declared war on the Taliban
before 911 because they wouldn't cooperate with the construction
of our pipeline. These people will stop at nothing to bring
republicans to our knees!
with John Ashcroft and the Heritage Foundation, we have researched
the legality of military tribunals for these communists and,
it is our opinion that we have a strong legal argument for
incarcerating these pinkos from our country's universities.
Ken Starr and Ted Olson have informed me that there is legal
precedent for labeling these traitors as 'Enemy Combatants'
and then summarily executing them after a fair military tribunal.
and Ashcroft are of the opinion that we can begin to transport
these so-called 'scholars' to navy brigs immediately! If the
seditious Democrats and their allies at the ACLU somehow receive
spinal transplants and challenge us, we plan to appeal. (With
Rehnquist, Scalia, Thomas and O'Connor on our side, it doesn't
take Miss Cleo to divine how that one is going to play out.
and the 'Elves' from Olson's Arkansas Project also believe
we have the law on our side for this one. Ann has informed
me that she would like to become personally involved in the
execution of any swarthy male professors.
to stymie the Benedict Arnolds in America's colleges and universities
who fail to demonstrate sufficient patriotism in Our President's
crusade against the heathens, I have created a guideline by
which to better identify these back-stabbing, tweed-wearing
It is obvious
that these turncoats can be immediately identified by any
criticism of our Commander-in-Chief. Any repetition of verbal
gaffes supposedly made by POTUS should be grounds for incarceration
at Club Guantanamo; or if impractical, in a kennel at the
nearest SPCA. These comments would include any recitation
of our President's misinterpreted remarks such as, "I know
how hard it is to put food on one's family."
with Dan Qualye should immediately raise suspicions, as well
as other words and phrases such as 'deer in the headlights',
'Grecians', 'Kosovarians', etc. Violators of these guidelines
and all humorists should be immediate referred to Ashcroft
or deported to any of our allies that condone and endorse
the use of torture.
references in books or treatises to chronic drunkenness, cocaine
addiction, marijuana binges, Xanax abuse, George, Jenna, Barbara
and Noelle should be considered aiding and abetting our enemies.
hearsay about Jeb's family members and stalking, public sex,
forged prescriptions, smuggling through U.S. Customs and other
signs of American Taliban inspired propaganda scare peace-loving
people with phantoms of lost liberty and aid terrorists. It
should be immediately reported by all utility workers, cable
installers, UPS drivers, Avon sales reps, Moonies and others
recruited into the TIPs program.
of POTUS and the Texas National Guard in the same sentence
or paragraph using words such as 'favoritism', 'pull', 'draft
and/or dodge', 'absences and/or unexplained', 'AWOL', 'drug
tests' and 'loss of flight privileges' are immediately suspect.
libelous statements as to Dick's five deferments from service
in Vietnam along with those of Wolfowitz, Perle, Gaffney,
Bennett, Kemp, Limbaugh, Delay, Graham, Armey, Lott, Limbaugh,
etc., serve no purpose except to undermine our efforts to
bomb Iraq back into prehistoric Mesopotamia.
Echelon or Carnivore intercepts and electronic surveillance
by the NSA will help to smoke these terrorists our of their
class rooms. After incarceration in the teacher's lounge at
Gitmo Community College, these miscreants will be read their
rights and assigned a public defender. (NOT! Ha Ha!)
internet searches should also be conducted to locate references
to Our Great Leader and the proximity to incendiary words
such as 'dynasty', 'nepotism', 'cronyism', 'Harken and/or
scam', 'Arbusto and/or El Busto', 'investor and/or Bin Laden
Family', 'insider and/or trading', 'callow', 'ignoramus',
searches should also be conducted to ascertain mention of
my husband, Dick, and words such as 'bigot and/or Affirmative
Action', 'racist and/or Apartheid, 'fascist and/or Mandela',
'chicken and/or hawk', 'Pro-life', 'Cop-Killer Bullets', 'insider
and/or trader', should like-wise be considered the acts of
an 'Enemy Combatant' and will subject the author to a secret
jury trial of his peers from the John Birch Society before
he is hanged until death.
to True Patriot John Ashcroft including words such as 'religiously
and/or insane', 'Crisco and/or anoint', 'calico cat and/or
Emissary of Satin', 'misogynist', 'Hitler and/or sissy', 'Bob
Jones University and/or homophobe,', 'anti-semite', 'Southern
Partisan and/or racist', NRA and/or plowshares', etc., likewise
call for Death by a Thousand Cuts.
to Bush using words such as 'sock and/or puppet', 'shill and/or
Enron', 'front man and/or corporate looters', 'cut-out', 'dummy
and/or ventriloquist', are immediate grounds for attaching
electrodes to parts of these leftist professor's anatomy best
covered up with blue drapes by Ashcroft.
In the same
vein, references to the events of 9/11 and Our Fearless Leader's
behavior on that day should be screened for descriptive words,
metaphors, similes and phrases such as 'coward', 'scared and/or
bunny', 'craven', 'out of harms way', or any sentence ending
in the word 'shitless'. Any intellectual snob using such words
will find themselves immediately matriculating at the University
It is my
belief that Mullah Omar has sought to demoralize American
Fighting Spirit by undermining our faith in the All-American
Defense Industry. Certain articles and reports on patriotic
corporations such as Carlyle, Boeing, Lockheed, GE, etc.,
can immediately be recognized as enemy propaganda.
to these loyal military contractors in academic treatises
are clearly treasonous if they contain misleading terms such
as 'boondoggle', 'cronyism' 'gravy and/or train', 'gouging',
'Halliburton and/or fraud', 'Crusader and/or obsolete', 'toilet
seat and/or gold', 'profiteer', 'merchant and/or death', 'Star
Wars Tests and/or rigged', 'Osprey and/or fiery crash', 'anthrax
vacine and/or Gulf War Syndrome', Depleted Uranium and/or
Lou Gehrig's Disease', 'Agent Orange and/or cancer', etc.
In the same
vein, half-truths and derogatory slander regarding Halliburton
and the sale of millions of dollars of equipment to Iraq and
Iran is clearly grounds for holding these back- stabbing swine
in small cages where they can be poked with sharp sticks,
as are defamatory accusations of the sale of nuclear pulse
generators to Libya.
to smear the business dealings of Our President, Dickie and
Kenny by seditious academics have played into the hands of
Evil Doers. We are requesting that Ashcroft immediate administer
truth serum and compassionate beatings to Paul Krugman, Molly
Ivins, the staff of The Nation and other communists in the
liberal press, after which they will receive their choice
of either a cigarette or a blindfold.
of these elite intellectual snobs should be scrutinized for
any duplicitous accusations about our campaign contributors
using such words as 'Cayman Islands', 'Bermuda', 'tax and/or
avoidance', 'fall and/or guy', 'stock and/or options', etc.
Appeals can be made to a panel appointed by Justice Sentelle
consisting of Ken Starr, Robert Ray, Ted Olson, Asa Hutchinson
and Clarence Thomas, after which the electric shocks will
It is time
that we give these pointy-headed liberal professors and academics
tenure for life at the University of Gitmo. After we are through
with these traitors and their 'Fellow Travelers', maybe they
will learn to enjoy their sabbaticals at FEMA provided internment