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White
House Study Finds Trees Main Cause of Forest Fires
August 24, 2002
By Gil Christner
BIG ASS OL' FIRE, OREGON — President Bush announced
the results of a secret White House Environmental Study, which
found that the main cause of forest fires turns out to be
trees themselves.
Speaking as far away from a raging forest fire where he could
still get it in the background of the television camera shots,
President Bush revealed that White House scientists had proven
that without the kindling material provided by trees, forests
would no longer burn.
"We are pleased to realize that I, that is, we know that
without wood, fires can't get it up, I mean, fires don't go
up the trees, if the trees are somewhere else, like, not there,"
the President said.
The hand-picked crowd of on-lookers, waving flags and holding
signs that said "Less Trees, More Bush," didn't asked what
the President meant by that, but instead concentrated on the
new Forest Service policy of cutting down all the trees before
they burn.
Vice President Dick Cheney, talking on speakerphone from
an undisclosed location where reporters can't harm him, told
the gathered crowd that he chaired the committee which put
together the study, but nobody could see any notes or anything
from the meetings, so we'll just have to trust him.
"We've taken a page from the Army's playbook in the old
Viet Nam days. It has become necessary to destroy the forests
in order to save them," Mr. Cheney said over the phone. "By
giving the lumber companies the unfettered right to cut down
all the timber, we have successfully eliminated fire danger
for future generations."
While Mr. Bush tried to fix a stuck zipper on his L.L. Bean
jacket, the Vice President went on: "If this policy works,
we foresee extending it to other problem areas in the government,"
Mr. Cheney said. "By eliminating National Parks, there will
be no more parking problems in the summer. If we get rid of
all the caribou in Alaska, none of them will be harmed when
we strip mine. And Attorney General John Ashcroft has some
great ideas about avoiding the denial of constitutional rights
by eliminating the Constitution all together!"
After giving up on his zipper, Mr. Bush took center stage
again. "This is a great country, and I am proud to be a great
country. We are so excited to have wood," he said. Everybody
tried not to laugh.
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