Democratic Underground  

National Leadership's Crawford Vacation
August 9, 2002
By Mike McArdle

Yes, it's August again and America's favorite vacationers, the Clark W. Bushwold family are once more getting ready to hit the road . Only this time they're headed for the most fun-filled vacation spot of all Crawford, Texas. But vacation time will be wilder than ever because Clark's now the President of the United States.

And, of course, that means Clark's got a whole new set of responsibilities.

Candy Rice (Angela Bassett): Sir, it's time for one of your daily security briefings and if I might make a suggestion it might not be a good idea to be on the treadmill the entire time. Last year about this time you kind of missed most of the briefing about the terrorists attacks and we took a pretty bad PR hit on that once the public found out.

Clark W. Bushwold (Chevy Chase): Okay Candy, no treadmill but practicing my putting is okay isn't it ? You will let me know if we get to any bad stuff about the evildoers.

Candy Rice: Certainly, sir.

And, of course as always, Clark's low-class relatives are never far behind:

Jed Bushwold (Randy Quaid): Hey, Clark, did Colombia show you all the loot she smuggled through customs in Juarez when we were down there? Hell, that borders like a sieve; ya can get anything through there. We even brought in a few Mexicans who wanted to get across. At least they said they were Mexicans.

Noela Bushwold (Shannon Doherty): Hey Uncle Clark, I met a guy named Carlos in Juarez who says he used to do a lot business with you when you were in Midland. I don't think he was talking about drilling for oil either.

But with Clark's new job come a whole host of new problems:

Harry Flysher (David Hyde Pierce): I'm sorry, sir, but you're daughter, Geena showed up at a honky tonk bar at midnight last night with her dress on backwards muttering things about the whole A&M football team. What's worse, a couple of press guys from the Washington Post were there and started buying her tequila.

Clark W. Bushwold: Is she okay, Harry ?

Harry Flysher: Well she's still not awake yet but the one of the Post reporters came down to breakfast this morning and said he had a great story about your Harken stock, sir.

Clark W. Bushwold: Really have to watch what you say around kids these days, don't you, Harry ?

Even Clarks trips to the golf course are problematic.

Candy Rice: Sir, I hate to bother you now but there's been a suicide bus bombing in Israel and there are 25 people dead. The press is here and they're looking for your reaction.

Clark W. Bushwold: Candy I think I'm going to shoot in the eighties today.

Candy Rice: Sir, the press is going to need a statement.

Clark W. Bushwold: Okay, er, listen up guys. I'm very disturbed by this. I'm really tired of all these evil people who hate freedom.. But now it's time for a little golf so just watch this drive. Ah, Candy, where the hell's my driver?

And if it's not the evildoers it's those pesky Bushwold relatives again.

Jed Bushwold: Dammit, Clark, don't you ever lock the medicine cabinet? Noela just inhaled every pill in there and she's turnin' goddamn blue and twitchin' up a storm on the bathroom floor. Colombia, call the emergency squad again, willya?

Clark W. Bushwold: Jeddie, things are different now. It doesn't look good to have the ambulances pulling in here.

Jed Bushwold: Damn right, Clark. Lock up the stuff from now on. I knew I should have brought the stomach pump from home.

As always there's nothing quite like a Bushwold vacation.

Clark W. Bushwold: Hey, Jeddie, is Noela going to be okay ?

Jed Bushwold: Ah, she always comes out it. Week or two in rehab never hurts. Look, Clark, this place is hot as hell and there's snakes all over the place and there ain't a damn thing to do. Can't we go to someplace like Martha's Vineyard next year ?

Coming this August to a theatre near you. Rated PG-13.

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