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National
Leadership's Crawford Vacation
August 9, 2002
By Mike McArdle
Yes, it's August again and America's favorite vacationers,
the Clark W. Bushwold family are once more getting ready to
hit the road . Only this time they're headed for the most
fun-filled vacation spot of all Crawford, Texas. But vacation
time will be wilder than ever because Clark's now the President
of the United States.
And, of course, that means Clark's got a whole new set
of responsibilities.
Candy Rice (Angela Bassett): Sir, it's time for one
of your daily security briefings and if I might make a suggestion
it might not be a good idea to be on the treadmill the entire
time. Last year about this time you kind of missed most of
the briefing about the terrorists attacks and we took a pretty
bad PR hit on that once the public found out.
Clark W. Bushwold (Chevy Chase): Okay Candy, no treadmill
but practicing my putting is okay isn't it ? You will let
me know if we get to any bad stuff about the evildoers.
Candy Rice: Certainly, sir.
And, of course as always, Clark's low-class relatives
are never far behind:
Jed Bushwold (Randy Quaid): Hey, Clark, did Colombia
show you all the loot she smuggled through customs in Juarez
when we were down there? Hell, that borders like a sieve;
ya can get anything through there. We even brought in a few
Mexicans who wanted to get across. At least they said they
were Mexicans.
Noela Bushwold (Shannon Doherty): Hey Uncle Clark,
I met a guy named Carlos in Juarez who says he used to do
a lot business with you when you were in Midland. I don't
think he was talking about drilling for oil either.
But with Clark's new job come a whole host of new problems:
Harry Flysher (David Hyde Pierce): I'm sorry, sir,
but you're daughter, Geena showed up at a honky tonk bar at
midnight last night with her dress on backwards muttering
things about the whole A&M football team. What's worse, a
couple of press guys from the Washington Post were there and
started buying her tequila.
Clark W. Bushwold: Is she okay, Harry ?
Harry Flysher: Well she's still not awake yet but
the one of the Post reporters came down to breakfast this
morning and said he had a great story about your Harken stock,
sir.
Clark W. Bushwold: Really have to watch what you say
around kids these days, don't you, Harry ?
Even Clarks trips to the golf course are problematic.
Candy Rice: Sir, I hate to bother you now but there's
been a suicide bus bombing in Israel and there are 25 people
dead. The press is here and they're looking for your reaction.
Clark W. Bushwold: Candy I think I'm going to shoot
in the eighties today.
Candy Rice: Sir, the press is going to need a statement.
Clark W. Bushwold: Okay, er, listen up guys. I'm very
disturbed by this. I'm really tired of all these evil people
who hate freedom.. But now it's time for a little golf so
just watch this drive. Ah, Candy, where the hell's my driver?
And if it's not the evildoers it's those pesky Bushwold
relatives again.
Jed Bushwold: Dammit, Clark, don't you ever lock the
medicine cabinet? Noela just inhaled every pill in there and
she's turnin' goddamn blue and twitchin' up a storm on the
bathroom floor. Colombia, call the emergency squad again,
willya?
Clark W. Bushwold: Jeddie, things are different now.
It doesn't look good to have the ambulances pulling in here.
Jed Bushwold: Damn right, Clark. Lock up the stuff
from now on. I knew I should have brought the stomach pump
from home.
As always there's nothing quite like a Bushwold vacation.
Clark W. Bushwold: Hey, Jeddie, is Noela going to
be okay ?
Jed Bushwold: Ah, she always comes out it. Week or
two in rehab never hurts. Look, Clark, this place is hot as
hell and there's snakes all over the place and there ain't
a damn thing to do. Can't we go to someplace like Martha's
Vineyard next year ?
Coming this August to a theatre near you. Rated PG-13.
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