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Iraq Attack is Back, Jack!
August 3, 2002
By the Plaid Adder

Hello. My name is George W. Bush. You made my father look like an idiot. Prepare to die.

Or rather, prepare to watch thousands of your civilian subjects die in an unprovoked, groundless, and no doubt destined-once-again-to-be-inconclusive U.S. attack. Someday.

Yes, the midterm elections are approaching, and once again war is in the air. It was Ronald Reagan who first pioneered the "When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Bomb An Islamic Dictatorship" school of political strategy; when it was finally his turn, George Herbert Walker adopted, adapted, and improved, and brought us the Gulf War, or as it was called back in the day, Operation Desert Storm.

However, Bush the First made one fatal mistake: he started the war too soon. If he had sent in the Scuds in October of 1992, he might never have had to turn the White House over to Bill Clinton, and the Bush line of succession could have continued unbroken. Who knows, we might already be on President Jeb by now. But I think the son has learned from his father's errors, and this administration has blended Ronald Reagan's wit with the wisdom of Ernest and Julio Gallo. This administration will bomb no clime before its time.

The only question is whether Bush II will have the fortitude to hold off until 2004, or whether he'll get overexcited and shoot the wad right before the midterm elections. But whether we send the boys in this October or two Octobers from now, one thing will still be clear: George W. Bush is the only person in the entire world who wants this war.

Of course, when I say George W. Bush, I don't really mean him, per se, so much as the syndicate that's running the country in his name. Apart from them, though, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone else who considers this a good idea. We've been working so hard to alienate most of our traditional allies - if our handling of the war in Afghanistan wasn't enough, we've also been treating the United Nations as if it is just one big litterbox, and we are a 2000 pound cat that's just had a very heavy high-fiber meal - that we could hardly expect them to sign off on something that was actually necessary, let alone a gratuitous and unprovoked invasion of another sovereign nation that hasn't really done anything to us since.well, since we sent our army over there in 1991.

As for the Muslim world, well, it has been clear since September that there is approximately zero support for such a move, as many Muslim and Arab states are taking the not unreasonable view that a unilateral invasion of Iraq would not only start a fire that might never be put out, but set an extremely disturbing precedent.

But Americans will support the war, right? Riiiiight. The administration has been throwing out hints about this war for a very, very long time. So far, the groundswell of patriotic emotion has consistently failed to materialize. Could it be that all the face-saving rhetoric Bush trotted out after September 11 about how we shouldn't punish all Muslims or Arabs for a crime committed by a few bad apples has actually been taken to heart, and the average American has now decided that just because Osama Bin Ladin is an evil terrorist kingpin who deserves to die, that doesn't mean that he needs to give a damn about Saddam Hussein? Or is it just people can't get excited about this new war because we've already got one?

This is the baffling thing, really. All right, I could see how if Bush were a peacetime president, he'd be worried, the economy being what it is, and it having become increasingly clear since his election that he has the intellectual capacity of a seedless grape. Sure, it would make sense to start a war in October-except that we are already at war. Aren't we? I mean, last I checked, we still had troops over there, and Al Qaeda was still giving us trouble, and Bin Ladin still wasn't dead, and terrorism had not been eradicated from the globe forever. So doesn't that mean we're still at war? So why do we need a new one?

The push for the Iraq invasion is not about 2001; it's about 1991. That's why George W. is gung-ho, and it's also why the rest of us just really don't care. Yes, we know that your daddy failed to take out Saddam; but you know what, George, we're over it. We've moved on. So should you. We know it's hard when a relationship ends. But maybe it's time for you and Saddam to finally admit that the spark is out and the chemistry is gone. I'm sure that once you've had some time to heal, you'll find yourself someone else to kick around.

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