Attack is Back, Jack!
August 3, 2002
By the Plaid Adder
Hello. My name is George W. Bush. You made my father look
like an idiot. Prepare to die.
Or rather, prepare to watch thousands of your civilian subjects
die in an unprovoked, groundless, and no doubt destined-once-again-to-be-inconclusive
U.S. attack. Someday.
Yes, the midterm elections are approaching, and once again
war is in the air. It was Ronald Reagan who first pioneered
the "When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Bomb An Islamic
Dictatorship" school of political strategy; when it was
finally his turn, George Herbert Walker adopted, adapted,
and improved, and brought us the Gulf War, or as it was called
back in the day, Operation Desert Storm.
However, Bush the First made one fatal mistake: he started
the war too soon. If he had sent in the Scuds in October of
1992, he might never have had to turn the White House over
to Bill Clinton, and the Bush line of succession could have
continued unbroken. Who knows, we might already be on President
Jeb by now. But I think the son has learned from his father's
errors, and this administration has blended Ronald Reagan's
wit with the wisdom of Ernest and Julio Gallo. This administration
will bomb no clime before its time.
The only question is whether Bush II will have the fortitude
to hold off until 2004, or whether he'll get overexcited and
shoot the wad right before the midterm elections. But whether
we send the boys in this October or two Octobers from now,
one thing will still be clear: George W. Bush is the only
person in the entire world who wants this war.
Of course, when I say George W. Bush, I don't really mean
him, per se, so much as the syndicate that's running the country
in his name. Apart from them, though, you'd be hard pressed
to find anyone else who considers this a good idea. We've
been working so hard to alienate most of our traditional allies
- if our handling of the war in Afghanistan wasn't enough,
we've also been treating the United Nations as if it is just
one big litterbox, and we are a 2000 pound cat that's just
had a very heavy high-fiber meal - that we could hardly expect
them to sign off on something that was actually necessary,
let alone a gratuitous and unprovoked invasion of another
sovereign nation that hasn't really done anything to us since.well,
since we sent our army over there in 1991.
As for the Muslim world, well, it has been clear since September
that there is approximately zero support for such a move,
as many Muslim and Arab states are taking the not unreasonable
view that a unilateral invasion of Iraq would not only start
a fire that might never be put out, but set an extremely disturbing
But Americans will support the war, right? Riiiiight. The
administration has been throwing out hints about this war
for a very, very long time. So far, the groundswell of patriotic
emotion has consistently failed to materialize. Could it be
that all the face-saving rhetoric Bush trotted out after September
11 about how we shouldn't punish all Muslims or Arabs for
a crime committed by a few bad apples has actually been taken
to heart, and the average American has now decided that just
because Osama Bin Ladin is an evil terrorist kingpin who deserves
to die, that doesn't mean that he needs to give a damn about
Saddam Hussein? Or is it just people can't get excited about
this new war because we've already got one?
This is the baffling thing, really. All right, I could see
how if Bush were a peacetime president, he'd be worried, the
economy being what it is, and it having become increasingly
clear since his election that he has the intellectual capacity
of a seedless grape. Sure, it would make sense to start a
war in October-except that we are already at war. Aren't we?
I mean, last I checked, we still had troops over there, and
Al Qaeda was still giving us trouble, and Bin Ladin still
wasn't dead, and terrorism had not been eradicated from the
globe forever. So doesn't that mean we're still at war? So
why do we need a new one?
The push for the Iraq invasion is not about 2001; it's about
1991. That's why George W. is gung-ho, and it's also why the
rest of us just really don't care. Yes, we know that your
daddy failed to take out Saddam; but you know what, George,
we're over it. We've moved on. So should you. We know it's
hard when a relationship ends. But maybe it's time for you
and Saddam to finally admit that the spark is out and the
chemistry is gone. I'm sure that once you've had some time
to heal, you'll find yourself someone else to kick around.