Harken Mistakes Blamed on Clinton's Penis
July 9, 2002
By Gil Christner
BUSH'S HARKEN MISTAKES BLAMED ON CLINTON'S
Fleischer: Pre-cognitive worries distracted George W.
(AP) In a move to fend off questions about the administration's
ability to handle the corporate accounting scandals, the White
House today placed responsibility for George W. Bush's own
previous SEC troubles squarely on the shoulders of Bill Clinton's
President Bush recently has come under fire for the SEC investigation
into his failure to disclose the 1990 sale of Harken company
stock, of which he was a director. Apparently, according to
the White House, this oversight was due to Bush's extreme
concentration on what might happen should then Governor Clinton
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said that Clinton's reputation
as a womanizer and indiscriminate horn dog weighed so heavily
on George W. Bush's mind, that he inadvertently forgot to
file the proper forms with the SEC reporting the Harken stock
sale and the resulting 200% profit.
"For all George W. Bush knew, Clinton used the date rape
drug on unsuspecting college girls in Arkansas," Fleischer
said in a press conference today. "Mr. Bush became concerned.
What if such a man should ever become president of the United
States? What if he ever used cigars in some sort of sick sexual
perversion? What if he stained a blue dress? The blue dress,
remember the blue dress?" Mr. Fleischer paused for effect.
"Such questions crowded Mr. Bush's mind, and he simply forgot
to file the proper form. It was an honest mistake."
Surprising no one, the national press immediately agreed
with Fleischer's explanation. "George W. Bush is widely known
to be a deep thinker," Sean Hannity stated on his radio show.
"Aside from daily musings on Heidegger and Kierkegaard, he
often has somebody read to him from Socrates, who also believed
in ESP. It only makes sense that Bush, in 1990, would be able
to foresee the disgusting, perverted immorality that Clinton
would eventually bring to the White House."
Harvey Pitt, current chairman of the SEC, retroactively exonerated
President Bush from any misconduct in the Harken manner. "Of
course he was worried about Clinton's upcoming adultery. No
wonder he didn't file that Form 4 with the SEC," Mr. Pitt
said, as he signed the official pardon absolving President
Bush from any wrong-doing. "There's no point in holding the
man responsible for such a piddling little technicality as
an $850,000 profit. And considering that the sexual hi-jinks
he foresaw were those of Bill Clinton, I'm surprised Bush
didn't forget to file his Income Tax, too!"
When reached for comment, Mr. Clinton remarked, "He can see
me in the future? Well, I hope he sees the hand gesture I'll
be making later tonight." Conversely, when asked about his
apparent ESP, President Bush replied "No, I prefer Fox Sports
Net. That Tom Arnold guy is funny."
Martha Stewart's office did not return calls by press time.
Gil Christner is an actor and writer living in Los Angeles.
He's the guy looking through the telescope on the LendingTree
commercial who says, "Hartrick Bank is on the job!"