Gets a Whippin'
June 13, 2002
By Sheila Samples
I see where Roll Call is reporting that House Bug
Man, Tom "The Exterminator" DeLay--also known as "The Whip"--who's
a constant source of entertainment as he bends over and channels
the verbal hate farts of Rush Limbaugh by calling CNN the
"Communist News Network" and "Clinton News Network"--was all
kissy-feely with new AOL/Time Warner CEO Richard "Dick" Parsons
after a closed-door meeting last week...
With The Whip in charge, one can only wonder what deliciously
delightful bondage goes on in those zany, secret Republican
leadership meetings. Only nine months ago, new CNN chief Walter
Isaacson crawled on his belly up the Hill and slithered in
and out of conservative leaders' offices in a creepy reptilian
courtship that, at the end of the incestuous gestation period,
produced a "foxy" screw-the-honorable-Fourth-Estate-journalistic-principles-I-swore-to-uphold-
It was heartening that The Whipmonkey emerged from the meeting
with Dick, tired but appreciative of CNN's efforts to "reach
out," and grateful for Dick's promise to continue to "improve
CNN's ideological balance." The Whippet can race to the bank
with that, because Dick's been around. Like they say in Texas--Dick's
"seen the elephant and heard the owl..."
Before taking over at AOL/Time Warner, Dick was personally
selected by Bush to serve on the President's Commission for
Social Security, which proposed letting workers devote part
of their this guy's judgement...
The Whipmonger has relented a couple of times since 9-11
and appeared briefly on CNN shows where there was no opposing
view to buzz around his head like a pesky gnat, but it hasn't
been that long since he arrogantly ordered a GOP boycott of
CNN because it was giving too much face time to Democrats.
It must be true, because results of a DNC study of the shameful
performance of CNN between January and March of this year
show that CNN carried 157 live events involving members of
the Bush administration and seven events involving
senior Democratic officials. So you can see, Whip is right--96%
coverage of the right-wing agenda compared to a burgeoning
4% coverage of the left is just not acceptable...
CNN is working hard to atone for this lapse. For example,
back on March 20, CNN proudly ignored Democratic press briefings
by Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle and House Minority Leader
Dick Gephardt--despite the fact that the House was voting
on the budget and the Senate was about to pass campaign
finance reform. Now, that's progress, especially since
on the same day CNN managed to squeeze in live appearances
by Resident Bush, White House spokesman "Airy" Fleischer,
Attorney General John "NRA Cover Boy" Ashcroft, and, for good
measure, First Lady Laura "Who am I--Why am I" Bush.
However, there's still much work to be done. It's not enough
for CNN to be a mere corporate serf. What IS important is
that CNN continue its progress until it's able to let go;
to release everything it ever thought it knew about integrity--until
it is able to not only move on, but to move up, and to stand
tall on the media landscape as a slobberingly grateful
Dick is also pleased with CNN's continued "improvement" under
Isaacson's leadership. But, more important, Whupass graciously
pointed out that Dick assured him CNN was working hard to
scrub the last vestiges of the dangerously loony "Ted Turner"
liberal viewpoint from the entire network--and, if possible,
from the entire planet.
But although CNN's news shows are casting a brilliant shining
"right," one of Whipper's aides added petutantly, "A lot of
(CNN) commentary shows still have a built-in bias...like 'Capital
Gang.' And," he sniffed, "'Crossfire' is really not that interesting
Looks like one or two more of those closed-door Republican
leadership meetings and both CNN and Dick will be safely "whipped"
Sheila Samples is an Oklahoma freelance writer.