Clint Eastwood for Secretary of Homeland Defense
June 12, 2002
By Rich Procter

Hey Wow! According to our Boy Wonder President, we’re about to achieve the miracle of a new cabinet level bureaucracy without this whole magilla costing you, the taxpayer dollar one! What a deal! My guess is that he’s got Oliver North secretly setting up some kind of "office space for arms" deal with some shady types that elder Bush knows through the Carlyle Group.

Okay so far! But who the heck is going to our first Secretary? Tom Ridge? I don’t think so! I’m thinking that this position is going to be oh, say about 99.9% PR, and that’s why we need somebody like Clint Eastwood. Let’s do a comparison:

EASTWOOD: Steely-eyed gaze strikes fear in cowering evil-doers.
RIDGE: Dough-faced, "eyes in the high beams" fraidy-cat can’t intimidate in pizza delivery kid.

EASTWOOD: Kicks evildoers ass in film after film.
RIDGE: Obsession with color-coordinated "warning" charts earns respect from interior decorators.

EASTWOOD: As Dirty Harry, not afraid to "throw out the book" and defy desk-bound pencil-pushers to defeat evildoers.
RIDGE: Desk-bound pencil-pusher.

EASTWOOD: Lean, mean crime fighting machine inspires terror in malefactors, will have them scurrying back to Baghdad.
RIDGE: Paunchy, inside-the-Beltway who inspires fits of laughter in those who wish us harm.

EASTWOOD: Would kick FBI ass, take names, write names down and throw away the list, lip curled in contemptuous snarl.
RIDGE: Intimidated by G.W. Bush – Thoughts of Saddam make him wet himself.

EASTWOOD: Would find Osama, tell him to "Make my day."
RIDGE: Couldn’t find Rush Limbaugh in a phone booth.

To sum up – we need somebody who will deter these villains just through his very presence. We need a wraith – an icon – a centurion – not a guy who looks like the Assistant Manager of a neighborhood Taco Bell.