Eastwood for Secretary of Homeland Defense
June 12, 2002
By Rich Procter
Hey Wow! According to our Boy Wonder President, weíre about
to achieve the miracle of a new cabinet level bureaucracy
without this whole magilla costing you, the taxpayer dollar
one! What a deal! My guess is that heís got Oliver North secretly
setting up some kind of "office space for arms" deal with
some shady types that elder Bush knows through the Carlyle
Okay so far! But who the heck is going to our first Secretary?
Tom Ridge? I donít think so! Iím thinking that this position
is going to be oh, say about 99.9% PR, and thatís why we need
somebody like Clint Eastwood. Letís do a comparison:
EASTWOOD: Steely-eyed gaze strikes fear in cowering evil-doers.
RIDGE: Dough-faced, "eyes in the high beams" fraidy-cat canít
intimidate in pizza delivery kid.
EASTWOOD: Kicks evildoers ass in film after film.
Obsession with color-coordinated "warning" charts earns respect
from interior decorators.
EASTWOOD: As Dirty Harry, not afraid to "throw out
the book" and defy desk-bound pencil-pushers to defeat evildoers.
RIDGE: Desk-bound pencil-pusher.
EASTWOOD: Lean, mean crime fighting machine inspires terror
in malefactors, will have them scurrying back to Baghdad.
RIDGE: Paunchy, inside-the-Beltway who inspires fits of laughter
in those who wish us harm.
EASTWOOD: Would kick FBI ass, take names, write names
down and throw away the list, lip curled in contemptuous snarl.
RIDGE: Intimidated by G.W. Bush Ė Thoughts of Saddam make
him wet himself.
EASTWOOD: Would find Osama, tell him to "Make my day."
Couldnít find Rush Limbaugh in a phone booth.
To sum up Ė we need somebody who will deter these villains
just through his very presence. We need a wraith Ė an icon
Ė a centurion Ė not a guy who looks like the Assistant Manager
of a neighborhood Taco Bell.